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Original poster

To think my mum has a form of agoraphobia?

41 replies

inigomontoyahwillcox · 20/11/2024 08:47

My parents live about 250 miles away from me, I live close to where I grew up (moved here with DH and DD 13 years ago), they live up north where we moved when I was in my teens. Their journey to ours is a 3 train journey. They are in their early 80s (81/82) but in good health for their age.

We moved here 11 years ago and they have visited once, which was when I almost died due to a serious medical event back in 2018 - even then it took them 10 days or so to come down, and I'm not joking when I say I nearly died (it was a resus/ICU job).

Over the years since then I cannot remember the amount of times my dad has queried whether we would like a visit from them at some point in X month, of course I say yes, but every single time I either never hear anything more of it or when I enquire when the month in question is coming up I'm told of a variety of reasons why they won't be coming by mum, such as having a dentist/doctor appointment or she is feeling under the weather.

I, of course, go to see them when I can, but this hasn't been for a good while now as every time I suggest we or I come up, my dad says "oh, we were thinking of coming down to you then actually", that doesn't happen of course and I can't make last minute arrangements to go up when I was originally intending (job, kids, other obligations) so we just don't see each other!

The driver in all of this is VERY much my mother. They had intended on coming down in September, then decided that, as they were also intending on coming to us at Christmas, they wouldn't. Last night on the phone when I mentioned Christmas to my mum she gave me a variety of non-committal responses such as "I can't think of that at the moment as my tummy is playing up" and "it's very complicated getting down to you" (it isn't - it's a train journey and me collecting them from the station). So I know, with 99% certainty that they won't come down. I've explained that it's been 6 years now, she said there's always a reason why they can't, I said they aren't going to get any younger or less infirm (I use the word loosely, they aren't infirm at this stage), no real response to that. It's becoming quite hurtful and also sad for them as their whole life revolves around their small town - which has dwindling friends in it as they pass away or move away (to be closer to family ironically).

About 15 years ago mum was mugged on her own street, they didn't manage to get her handbag but they did fracture her shoulder. It must have been a terrifying experience for her. I'm wondering if she hasn't psychologically recovered from that and that she is suffering from some form of agoraphobia? I doubt she would ever acknowledge she had a problem or seek help for it - but her's and dad's lives are being severely limited and they are becoming isolated due to her apparent inability to leave their home town.

Do you think I am way off the mark here? Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
TherebytheGraceofGodgoI · 20/11/2024 10:36

nokidshere · 20/11/2024 09:43

I think you are missing the point really. A 250 mile trip to stay in someone else's home when you are in you 80s is huge! It's possible that they really do want to see you but it's just too much for them. When they say it they probably mean it but when it actually comes to it the reality is very different.

A 3 hour train journey involves getting up, getting ready, eating, packing, getting to the station, on the train with limited access to a bathroom, getting to yours at the other end. That doesn't include walking the length of stations, navigating lifts, carrying or dragging suitcases, up and down stairs, escalators or lifts. And then you have to do it all again to get home.

At age 80 you are more likely to have food issues, bathroom issues, sleep issues. And I don't mean illnesses I mean just the change in diet and behaviour that comes with getting old. Because 80 is old. At 80, for most people, your world really does become smaller.

Talk to them, tell them it's ok if they can't manage it but you'd like to stop arranging and cancelling.

Absolutely this. Saw it with my Gran and now my Mum as she has reached that age. It’s too much for them to cope with.

EdgeofSeventy · 20/11/2024 10:11

I moved a 7 hour car journey from my family. My mum & husband visited once a year, driving here, and I visited at least twice by air as I don't drive and the train journey was very complicated.
When they told me this is the last time we're doing the journey I understood and increased my visits there.
It sounds like you're not able to have a direct conversation with either of your parents about why they don't want visits.
I'd be very worried about what was really going on there.
I perhaps wouldn't ask to visit and go by yourself and see them.
Expecting them to visit by train in their 80s is a bit much though, however easy you may think it is.

ItGhoul · 20/11/2024 10:11

It does sound a lot like your mum has some form of anxiety about travelling, yes. I'm guessing she hasn't even really admitted this to herself. My BIL's mum is similar.

nokidshere · 20/11/2024 09:43

I think you are missing the point really. A 250 mile trip to stay in someone else's home when you are in you 80s is huge! It's possible that they really do want to see you but it's just too much for them. When they say it they probably mean it but when it actually comes to it the reality is very different.

A 3 hour train journey involves getting up, getting ready, eating, packing, getting to the station, on the train with limited access to a bathroom, getting to yours at the other end. That doesn't include walking the length of stations, navigating lifts, carrying or dragging suitcases, up and down stairs, escalators or lifts. And then you have to do it all again to get home.

At age 80 you are more likely to have food issues, bathroom issues, sleep issues. And I don't mean illnesses I mean just the change in diet and behaviour that comes with getting old. Because 80 is old. At 80, for most people, your world really does become smaller.

Talk to them, tell them it's ok if they can't manage it but you'd like to stop arranging and cancelling.

Overtheatlantic · 20/11/2024 09:34

Have you thought of driving to collect them for Christmas? I’m nowhere near their age but find train travel very faffy and inconvenient, and anxiety inducing.

Catza · 20/11/2024 09:29

It's quite possible. My great aunt broke her arm in her mid 60s and essentially stopped leaning the house after that. She would only go down to a shop next door and will agree to be driven in a car under duress but only for things like visiting a GP. She would come up with similar plans that never came to fruition. We just always assumed that we are to visit even if she insisted she will make a journey.

SassK · 20/11/2024 09:21

You've chosen to live a considerable distance from them. Perhaps they're making excuses because telling you straight that they simply don't want to travel would offend/upset you.
We're all allowed to live a life that others might not understand. Lots of people are very happy to stay in and around their own town/shire (I personally don't like sleeping in any bed other than my own).
I think you have to accept that, for whatever reason, they don't want to travel. Let them know they're welcome but leave the ball in their court and stop pressuring them.

Goldenandsilverlight · 20/11/2024 09:08

Next time you suggest going to see them and they say ‘oh, but we’ll be coming to see you then’, why don’t you reply ‘No, that probably won’t happen, will it, so I’ll make the journey’.
By now you know what will happen so don’t go along with it.

Or is there some reason they don’t want you to visit? Kids too much for them, or very set in their routines etc?

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 20/11/2024 09:07

OAPapparently · 20/11/2024 09:04

I think my first thoughts would be

  1. can they afford to visit you? Train journeys are expensive and they could be embarrassed to say they cant afford it.
  2. Is there a reason they chose to move so far away when you were in your teens? Is there something about where you live now that is traumatic for your mum that you don’t know about?

No finance issues - they are b comfortable in that respect.

They moved because of my dad's job. I'm not aware of any issues whilst we were living near here - and it is far enough away to not really remind her of the place we lived (completely different town/county but only 20 mins drive away). But who am I to say I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 20/11/2024 09:05

MargotEmin · 20/11/2024 09:02

My parents live a similar distance and don't really show much interest in coming to visit me, they've come to visit twice in 15 years. It's never really struck me as an issue to be honest, long distance train travel/ driving isn't for everyone. They don't even really go on holiday very far these days, just camping in the hills and countryside in the surrounding counties.

The issue I would have in your shoes is them dithering and messing you around. Not the actual outcome if you see what I mean.

Yes, I do want to just say please stop making arrangements and cancelling.

OP posts:
OAPapparently · 20/11/2024 09:04

I think my first thoughts would be

  1. can they afford to visit you? Train journeys are expensive and they could be embarrassed to say they cant afford it.
  2. Is there a reason they chose to move so far away when you were in your teens? Is there something about where you live now that is traumatic for your mum that you don’t know about?
MargotEmin · 20/11/2024 09:02

My parents live a similar distance and don't really show much interest in coming to visit me, they've come to visit twice in 15 years. It's never really struck me as an issue to be honest, long distance train travel/ driving isn't for everyone. They don't even really go on holiday very far these days, just camping in the hills and countryside in the surrounding counties.

The issue I would have in your shoes is them dithering and messing you around. Not the actual outcome if you see what I mean.

Wolfpa · 20/11/2024 09:00

My MIL started doing this and it turned out to be the early stages of dementia.

if you are concerned talk to them, see what is going on.

Lunedimiel · 20/11/2024 08:59

Trauma response? Being assaulted so badly your shoulder is fractured may have left an outsized need to manage environmental threats and to feel safe in one's surroundings.

LilacLilyBird · 20/11/2024 08:55

Anxiety

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 20/11/2024 08:53

It’s their life.
Whatever their reasons they may not be fully communicating them, but also, are you listening to them…or are you trying to get them to change their minds.
Do they have any conditions you don’t know about that make a 3hr train ride difficult and staying away from home hard. (Like IBS/incontinence etc).
Is it ruining their life, or are they content.
You are absolutely right to be upset they can’t come, but also, I’d probably just be the one to start visiting them. After all - it’s an easy journey.