To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

I feel your pain OP. DH has always been an early bird and I'm a night owl which has been a source of tension throughout our 25 year relationship but in the last few years this has escalated. DH now routinely goes to bed between 8.30 and 9.30pm and gets up around 5am. He has no need to be up so early - it isn't because of his work schedule, he just prefers to be up at a time when no one else in the house is.
He will sometimes complain that he woke at 3am or 4am and couldn't get back to sleep and can't seem to accept that this is probably because he went to bed so early. For context we have 2 older sons and an 8 year old daughter who is difficult to settle so he is often asleep before her which I find frustrating.

We have virtually no time together as a couple to the point that even when we have something important to discuss or a decision to make it can drag on for weeks because he isn't willing to make the time. We go out together about once or twice a year and I'm becoming increasingly resentful of being left alone all the time - as a previous poster said what's the point in being married if you spend no time together? Understandably, our sex life has become virtually non-existent and I think it's only because I'm now firmly peri-menopausal that I can live with that.
I accept that his need for sleep is naturally greater than mine and his circadian rhythms are different but I can't help feeling that there is an element of choice in his actions. He is minimising the amount of time spent with his family and that is damaging his relationships. I should add that if there is a football match on at night or if his job demands it he can miraculously manage to stay up.
I would happily accept him going to bed at 10 or going to bed early through the week but staying up at weekends but he sticks to this pattern even on holiday!

If it wasn't for the company of my 2 sons I think I would be thoroughly depressed by now and I worry about what life will be like once they have moved out.

Agree with every word. There's a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, after all. I feel absolutely wretched if I have to curtail my sleep. I 100% believe that lack of sleep massively exacerbated my PND after DD1 was born. I was always destined to get PND, thanks to being highly progesterone intolerant, but lack of sleep made it ten times harder to cope.

DD1 is just the same, and I've reassured her that when she has a baby we will happily pay for a maternity nurse if she's struggling.

Why do you have to go to bed when he does? Just stay up and watch whatever programme you wan to watch. Don't let him dictate!

Well it’s not that unusual, but it’s not realistic for everyone, and he needs to accept that as a parent he might not get it.

It shouldn’t be a situation where he gets his absolute fill of sleep, but you are dragging yourself along on much less than you need.

I could do with 9 hours a night myself but rarely get it, more like 7.

The clue is definitely in the username. He's selfish, OP.

9 would help me to feel refreshed but I rarely manage that.its not worth feeling tired so I dont blame him for wanting 9 hours. I find things like work/home stress/ schedules etc obviously increase the need for sleep could he cut back on anything outside of sleeping and have more daytime resting if possible if you want more time in the evening but I think 9 hours is pretty standard

Sounds pretty miserable OP 😞 and a bit selfish if you’re expected to deal with your DC every night while he gets his 9 hours 🙄

My ex liked a decent amount of sleep, but even he could be up til 10-11pm. I think it’s about give and take, there’s occasions where he should deal with a little less so you have a life, then other nights you do your own thing and he goes to bed. I’ve always found it bizarre when grown adults go to bed at 9pm. What a waste of life! Basically just work, chores and sleep 🥴

lol! If the number you had said was 3 or 4, then yes YWBU.

I note your user name and that you have DC. Is this his excuse for letting you do all the night wakings and I bet the lions share of everything else?

😬 i think everyone’s different. Sounds exactly the same as our routine, we have a 4 and 7 year old. We both need a lot of sleep so I guess we’re lucky that we’re on the same page.

For those who think 6:15 get up and getting home at 7pm is odd I’m abit confused. I work 8-6 4 days a week so I get up at 6:15, get ready get the kids sorted, drop them at the childminders 7:25, get to work for 8. Leave at 6 and get home between 6:30/7 depending on traffic. Husband leaves at 6am gets home at 4:30pm.

we get the children to bed by 7:30 - have dinner. Watch an episode, go up for a shower at 9ish and in bed asleep by 10. I get OP’s H I’m wrecked if that routine is disturbed particularly over a few days.

on the weekend obviously it’s not as rigid but during the week that’s just how it is.

Look this is just bollocks you have made up. Sleep scientists who have actually studied this are clear. The normal range of sleep needed for humans is 6 to 10 hours. Some need 6, some 10.

Whatever amount of sleep leaves you tired and unable to function, and with low empathy (another fun fact is that empathy reduces with tiredness); you have that amount night after night, week after week, month after month, and see how you get on.

Forcing over-tired people to spend time with you, 'for the family' is not going to help you, them or the family. And its cruel. Its like forcing someone with a mobility impairment to go on long walks 'for the family'.
Looking at practical ways to find quality family time together when everyone is able to enjoy it, as OP has very sensibly said she will, is the workable solution.

It sucks to high heaven needing so much sleep. It impairs my life in so many ways. And on top of that, as this thread shows, you also have to put up with the judgey comments of genuinely ignorant people who think you are just wrong about how much sleep you really need, are ridiculous, are selfish, are laughable etc. Do people who talk like this genuinely never stop to think what the implications are for people who need so much sleep? Its hardly a fucking advantage is it? It impacts negatively and holds me back in loads of ways, socially, career options and advancement, being able to learn and do things I enjoy, I could go on. And then there is the fact that people like you shame me for it. Why are earth would I be making it up? Its hardly winning at life to need more sleep than other people, is it? Its a disadvantage not a fucking boon.

We are all individuals and therefore the amount of sleep we need is different too. In the week I am in bed by 10 pm and up at 6.30 am - 8.5 hours per night. I find it difficult to function on less. I don't have underlying health issues either. I have always needed my sleep, and can get grouchy if I don't. My son who is 14, is exactly like me, needs his sleep and has been the same since a baby.

I think selfish is the right word to use and his actions back this up.

It's perfectly normal. I absolutely need a solid 9 hours sleep, sometimes even a bit longer. If I have to sleep less, I feel shaky, washed out and invariably get a headache. DD1 is exactly the same, she slept through from 10 - 7 from being nine weeks old, and as a teenager she could easily sleep ten hours straight.

Conversely both DH and DD2 function perfectly well on just six hours sleep, often less.

My ex used to demand a nap in the middle of the day at all times when he wasn’t working. So every Saturday and Sunday he would have to go to bed for about two and a half hours.

It meant we couldn’t ever do anything as a family at weekends because his “right” to have a nap torpedoed everything.

It was one of the main reasons I left him to be honest. It’s so selfish to believe your right to be unconscious slap bang in the middle of the day takes priority over everyone else’s comfort and wellbeing.

OP’s other half’s behavior is similar. I would leave.

@Icanttakethisanymore even when it means you're always the one getting up in the night or doing the early starts because precious hubby can't possible have his nine hours a night interrupted?

Even when it means you can't stay up and watch a film, or a box set, or even go out for dinner because he won't get enough sleep?

I guess if you'd be happy to live your life like that, crack on, but lots of people want a lot more from their marriages than to sit in silence, alone every night because their partner would rather snore away upstairs.

So, how did he manage when your were young & in love? how did he date if he was home in his pyjamas at 9pm ? No meals out, no cinema...
I agree a long nice uninterrupted sleep is heaven.. However I survived with a baby who never slept more than a couple of hours for 3 years...

Just to add, presumably your husband considers having dinner and sorting out the children before bed is 'down time'. If you had visitors in the evening he'd probably stay up longer but most of us don't do that regularly during the week. I have known couples go to bed at 10pm every night during the week. What's he like at weekends?

My late husband regularly fell asleep on the sofa during the evening, it never bothered me.

People can't help how much sleep they can function on. Its not a choice.

Those of us who've had to care for small children or the sick and dying would beg to differ.

I'm nd and if I don't sleep, it all goes to shit. I cannot function or concentrate well.

9 is optimum for me, however I have two young kids so I don’t get anywhere near that and I still manage to function (well, because I have to!)

Dh naturally needs much less sleep than I do, it differs from person to person.
i also prioritise having some of evening time to spend with DH as I think that’s important- perhaps that’s what’s annoying you most?

I'm with you, @Honestandkind . A lot of the time I get my chores and my work done, and that's it - no time left for me. And that can really grind you down and suck the joy out of life... 😔

@Areolaborealis

We don't. Its a nuisance but sleep takes priority because being extremely tired is as unpleasant as being unwell. I sleep 9+ hours and it really limits my ability to enjoy evening activities. The kids want to go to clubs but they don't finish until 8pm which is just far too late for us when we need to get up at 6:30am for school.

I’m sorry, you are stopping your kids going to clubs because you want to sleep?

You are teaching your kids that being in bed doing nothing takes priority over doing things that enrich their lives. Don’t you think one night of broken or less than optimal sleep might be a reasonable price to pay? Can’t you just suck it up for their benefit?

I guess I’d rather spend less time with a person who has had enough sleep than more time with a sleep deprived person. The fact it’s 9 hours is a bit incidental, if he is being genuine about his requirements and how he feels when he has less.

I can never manage more than 6, would love 9 but my brain has other ideas. I've come to terms with the fact I'll probably die young because I've missed out on so much sleep over my life 😂

iPad or Tablet. I'm lucky that DH can sleep if I have a light on to read an actual book, but I try to be accommodating and use my Tablet. Local library has many electronic books and I have Kindle as well. Does mean the books I had for Christmas last year and my birthday are still stacked up waiting to be read😂