To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

So what happened (or will happen) if you have DC? Do you just expect your partner to do all the night shifts and late evenings? What happens if you both have the expectation of undisturbed 9 hrs? Presumably the solution is to stay childfree.

Yes the normal range is approx 6-10 (actually I thought it was 9.5) but these were observational studies and self reported - not investigations into the follow on effect of the odd disturbed night. Its not normal to insist you cannot possibly cope with even one late night or disturbed night unless there is a health condition. Anyone who really can't function unless they get the outer end of that range every single night without exception should check for relevant health issues.

I'm also wondering what happened with the OP/DH were dating - how did that work if DH had to be in bed at 9pm every night?

I can (and do) function on a lot less than that, but not well. If I get a few days on the run of bad sleep then it takes me ages to catch up and feel ok again. I need a decent 8-9 hours to feel refreshed.

DH is competently the opposite and seems to be able to spring out of bed on barely any sleep at all. We have both always been like it, before and after kids.

I think some people are just made like that.

A lot more people should be prioritising their sleep, it’s so important for your health.

Those of us who are sick would beg to differ.

There are many illnesses and physical or mental problems where lack of sleep will cause almost immediate problems.

If he got woken up, which he often did because he woke up if a bird coughed outside the window, he'd storm downstairs in a furious rage, pull the phone out of the socket, scream and shout, you get the idea.

This is abusive. I bet you don't do that.

How douma ages with work kids etc if you need that much sleep?

I used to need a lot of sleep eg 9 hours when the kids were small and I was running a house and a job. Now I'm retired and with plenty of time to sleep , I manage on 6.5-7.25 hours, plus a 9 hours splurge occasionally. Annoying!

I need 7....but everyone is different.

You seem to be working on the assumption that if he would agree to get 2 hours less sleep a night everything would be fine... whereas I don't think it would. He'd be miserable and so would she, because having an extra 2 hours a day with a cranky bastard just doesn't sound worth it.

I didn't say anything about him having to hours less sleep a night, though.

I said that as a parent you can't just unilaterally decide that your need for sleep takes priority over everything else, which is what he's doing at the moment.

And honestly, if he's not mature enough to cope on less than nine hours occasionally without being a "cranky bastard" then he sounds like he needs to get a bloody grip of himself, quite frankly.

@DragonFly98

do you have an underlying health condition though?

I am unwell on less then 10 as in I shake and can vomit. 9 hours is very mormal,

That sounds pretty nightmarish and completely disruptive to weekend socialising!

Was he always like that or did it gradually creep in during your relationship/marriage?

I always wonder how people end up with men (or women) like that - unless of course it’s something they’re ok with!

Agree! Exercise really helped my husband have more energy.Can by gym or jogging or weight lifting etc

I can indicate he's not sleeping well overall and may be stressed or have an underlying condition.

Or he's just too used to sleeping a lot.

I used to need a solid 8 hours at week and 10 hours weekend. Since having kids I'm just more flexible- no choice.

I have been on both sides of this issue.
i had post viral fatigue for years. Worse than just needing 9 hours sleep, but useful for comparison. I know my then partner found it sad and lonely to be alone after 9pm (or 8.30!) every night. But I honestly couldn’t help it.

fast forward several years, we now have a two year old, my husband has developed some health issues and it’s him desperate to be asleep at 9pm. Often I’m tired from being up with the toddler so that’s fine, but sometimes I would love some adult company after toddler bedtime, and I am sad that I can’t get it.
it has made me re evaluate how he felt when I was ill!

all this to say in a long winded way that it is hard, and it’s okay for it to feel hard. If you’ve ruled out other things - sleep apnea, poor sleep due to snoring or too much caffeine - and he just needs 9 hours then it would be easier for you to accept it. At the same time !!! Yes he should realise the benefit of occasionally throwing caution to the wind and staying up a bit later to do something fun together.

I wouldn't be surprised if lifelong lack of sleep contributed to my breast cancer (though smoking to try to jolt myself awake when I was younger probably didn't help! 😄)

Sometimes I'm so knackered that I'll get scenes from my dreams intruding as I go around the house or the shops... like, just a few frames, like a film... worst case scenario: I was dreaming of Boris Johnson the night before... 😱

So if any of the children wake you need to do all of it yourself?

Surely he knows that isn’t fair.

Does he go to gym op? If not, he needs to start

I think you have to accept that everyone is different. You can't judge everyone against yourself.

You see this time and time again on social media. Just because people haven't experienced it themselves they can't belive others experience it. Usually it's bad menopause symptoms on this website.

He should have it checked out, with a doctor.
However I also need 8 hours sleep, am exhausted by the evening and have always been like this.I function well first thing in the morning , but get sleepy by the afternoon.I live with someone who seems to have boundless energy, and can stay up late, do multiple tasks.

Some of you on here are being unreasonable, I feel terrible if I don't get 8 hours sleep.I start falling asleep around 10pm.( I am great in the morning and can get up really early if needed.)
Even as a teenager I was like this, Very boring and loved going to bed early.
Some people do seem to have more energy than others, I am doing Qigong at the moment, want to improve my energy levels.
Can your husband try something to improve his energy levels?

So do I, thank you for explaining it so clearly @colddays . 🙂

@Areolaborealis

too late for the kids or too late for you?

Have not RTFT so apologies if some of these things have already been said but I’m am the early to bed, early to rise in our household and to make sure I get the sleep I need without having to impose my schedule on everyone else I use ear plugs, an eye mask and we have separate duvets. Occasionally if DH really wants to stay up really late he’ll go in the spare room for the night.
I only need to be up 3 mornings a week though so it’s less of an impact than I imagine a full 5 would be.

You seem to be working on the assumption that if he would agree to get 2 hours less sleep a night everything would be fine... whereas I don't think it would. He'd be miserable and so would she, because having an extra 2 hours a day with a cranky bastard just doesn't sound worth it.

If he genuinely needs 9 hours sleep to function well (and it's clear from this thread that some people do, not just this guy) then they either need to find a schedule that works for both of them or she needs to leave him.

Mine and my DP's sleep requirements are different. I can function on less sleep more easily but I am able to 'catch up' better whereas he finds it harder to sleep longer, even when he's tired. So I probably do about 70% of early mornings but the days I don't get up early, I sleep later (say until 8am), whereas on the days I get up early, DP is up at about 6:30-7ish so I have less time on my own with the kids than he does on his days. That works for us.

I sympathise with this...my father was a light sleeper who didn't sleep very well (and I sympathise with that too, I inherited it) and he'd often nap in the middle of the day. When that happened, we all had to fall absolutely silent for the duration; no normal sounds of playing, no TV or music unless it was so quiet you couldn't hear it, phone off the hook, no conversations above the lowest murmur. If he got woken up, which he often did because he woke up if a bird coughed outside the window, he'd storm downstairs in a furious rage, pull the phone out of the socket, scream and shout, you get the idea. So I really do sympathise.

And I sympathise with OP too... but I do think going to bed early is different to demanding that life stops in the middle of the day because Dad is napping.

OP, does he actually snap the TV off when he goes upstairs, even if you're watching?

When do you get to have your actual relationship? Like talk, go for a meal, a drink, even have sex?!

I have chronic health issues that cause fatigue and often have to have a nap or plan an early night in
But if I was invited for a meal out I would work around that, get a nap in etc
I'm a total mess without sleep but often up until the early hours so I can be sociable