To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

They tend to really prioritise sleep, and sleep train their babies once they're old enough. Until then, take it in turns to get sleep. Like all parents do really. Most people can survive on less sleep than they really need to function optimally for a time.

I wonder how many people here with an "auto immune" disease just have hypothyroidism which they don't want to disclose? It can be treated effectively but it does take some figuring out.

YABVU

Everyone is different and everyone has to manage their sleep in a way that works for them. If he knows he needs 9hr why would he deprive himself by forcing himself to sleep less to appease you? I don't know what you mean by the idea you get no downtime as he goes to bed after the kids. Why not? Do you insist on going to bed at the same time or something?

Exactly. I'd also love to know what happens when two people who "need" nine hours of sleep marry and have small children, lol.

I think very few people “choose” broken sleep. It’s more a case of having to wake up for kids, stress or other factors such as insomnia causing their sleep to be broken.

And there’s a happy medium between staying up late and insisting on a 9pm bedtime every night as adults.

But OP's DH is also dictating when OP goes to bed. That's not okay.

But OP’s DH is telling her she can’t have the time to herself and must come to bed at the same time as him. Because he can’t be disturbed.

What happens if you do disturb him OP? How does he express his annoyance- are you afraid of him?

That's easy. Just spend time together when both around. With my sons dad we often did stuff during the he day together due to work My daughter and her husband spend a morning together, or go for lunch etc as one of them usually working an evening.

But if both people are working the same bloody hours and still not spending any time together it's a bit off

He does not like it if I come to bed later than him as it disturbs him.

This is the most concerning point. He can go to bed early, that's fine. You absolutely should make every effort not to disturb him when you come to bed. But he cannot dictate when you go to bed.

How does it affect everybody else? I’ve been at work all day, cooked a meal. Dh washes up and enjoys watching tv with dd and taking the dog out for a last walk we when I’m in bed at 9 reading and sleep by 9.30/10.00.

I’m up at 6 and in bed at 9. Hasn’t even occurred to me that I needed to ask dh for permission. We both enjoy time to ourselves. 34 years together.

He does not like it if I come to bed later than him as it disturbs him

I think you need separate bedrooms and start to live a separate life and get out more

Only way friend can survive when her dh goes to bed

How convenient he needs this and must have it.
Even children know you can’t always get what you want.

Separate bedrooms is the real true solution if you can do that.

Luckily we've always had a spare room and DH would sleep there if he had an early start to catch flights, or long drives where he had to up by 5.30 am some days. Or even when one of us was ill and needed more sleep.

Thats fine but have you thought about how much that control over your sleep affects everyone else around you

I wonder if the tv disturbs him and he needs a silent house that is why he turns it off.

My mother was like this and insisted we all go to bed at 9pm latest. I would spend hours wide awake lying in bed. The very idea of staying up till 9.30pm or 10pm was unheard of.

Except she too couldn’t sleep and would take sleeping pills to knock herself out. It was quite frankly ridiculous

I get at least 4.5 hours sleep. Sometimes more depending what work has been like. (Very physical job)
I think that men want more sleep as they get older whilst women need less

Menopause has a strange effect on your sleep cycle

I am absolutely precious about my sleep and the quality of the sleep I get. My life just seems so much better when it’s under control. I get your husband.

It sounds like a small price to pay if he is otherwise a very good partner & dad.
I would like the utter predictability of it in some ways. My old housemate was like this, by 8:30pm he was making go-to-bed plans. He dealt with anything early in the morning & his DW could sleep in. They made it work.

Just a thought, is there any way you could sleep separately? Then you can do as you please in the week day evenings. Sleep in the same bed at the weekends?

I’m more 8h but yes, regular good quality sleep is one of the most important things for a human being’s health and wellbeing.

Don’t understand the people that choose broken sleep and being up late for no pressing reason

Does he look after the kids on his day off, is that why you have different days off? Or is it just because of your different work schedules?

I'm guessing you work in some kind of industry where you don't have much flexibility over hours or the option to wfh/get another job in the same field that lets you wfh.

But the thing is, his compressed hours mean he's out for the same time as most people working 5 days a week, with a commute.

I commuted for a few years and was out from 7.30am to almost 7pm , 5 days a week. That's normal for many people commuting. It's not as if he's getting home at 8pm or later.

This time of year, we’re all in bed by 9.30pm in the week. We’re up at 6am. I couldn’t function otherwise. I do have some health issues but also, I don’t want to spend the day feeling awful. It’s this time of the year too - the need to hibernate is strong!

I think the compressed work is making him really tired! That's why I don't do it

He works compressed hours 4 days a week and it impacts him most on the nights before these long shifts

Honestly, I'd be seeing if there's any way he can do normal hours over 5 days. Compressed hours are tough, especially if you have a commute. I can do them due to working from home but I couldn't in an office. I'd be good for nothing by the time I got home, which sounds like he is.

I think it's either that or you need to accept you won't spend any time with him on 4 to 5 nights of the week.