To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

But he's currently making OP go to bed when she's not tired, which impacts her sleep and wellbeing.

So why is his health more important than hers?

Sure but that doesn’t mean there’s a linear relationship between failing to get exactly nine hours a night and a shorter life.

Your post implies that the OP’s husband will die young if he doesn’t go to bed at 9pm every night which is ridiculous.

It’s far more nuanced than that. Sleep is one element of a healthy life but it’s by no means the only element. Having a happy family is at least as important as hitting the exact optimal number of hours of sleep.

People are being absurdly dogmatic about this. It’s not as if an extra half hour is going to push the bloke into an early grave.

No, that was a cross post. Why would you accuse me of something that wasn't even referred to in my post.

Definitely people who need more sleep to be less cranky.

Everyone should other than children being oxygen first. It is kind of obvious who in the thread needs more sleep.

I clearly stated that it didn't excuse him parenting.

That's not the issue. He's making her go to bed when she isn't tired

Would you insist your partner goes to bed at same time?!!

What about your family's health? Or does that not matter?

It's perfectly within the normal range.

Well research shows the health implications of not getting sufficient sleep. So I would prioritise health to be there for my family before anything 🤷‍♀️

I am also going to sit down with him and try to agree a best use of my time when I do not want to go to bed, which is not disruptive to him but also is fair to me. I end up going to bed and lying awake reading my phone (which is too bright for him anyway) and feeling utterly despondent most nights and it’s got to change.

I agree with pp it’s unfair he’s insisting you go to bed at 9pm too, so I’m glad you’re going to raise this with him as it’s not on.

My ex that I stayed with on weekends often went to sleep before 11pm which is early for me on a weekend night. But it was fine as I’d just watch tv or read for another hour or so then crawl into bed with him when I was tired.

I would not have tolerated having to trot off to bed at 10.30pm just because that’s what suited him.

Me too! It’s absolutely not ok

Yes and demanding a grown adult to go to bed with you when they aren't even tired is awful. So controlling! I'd be really depressed if someone basically imprisoned me to the bedroom at 9pm every evening!

I think the issue isn't that your DH wants 9 hrs sleep it's that he's making you go to bed!!!

You are a grown woman and you should get to decide when you go to bed!!! You need to discuss this with him. How did you start with this arrangement of going to bed when he tells you to? I couldn't live like this.

I love my evening when kids are in bed, watching TV, catching up on admin, doing a hobby, doing online shopping, calling friends, watching a movie, going out for a drink, he's basically taking this all away from you!
It's fine if he wants to sleep, that's no issue. But you need to decide your own bedtime!

Some common sense 🙌

I live with Myalgic Encephalitus. I need to carefully manage my rest times, my sleep times and also make sure that I have enough to eat, as I have Type 2 Diabetes. If I don't, my symptoms worsen very quickly. I've had both these health issues for several decades. If I need quickly to change forgone arrangements, afterwards I'll be laid up for twice as long.

Yeah I wonder….they’d both just have to get on with it and sleep less on at least some nights, even if taking turns.

I think it’s worse when the “longer sleep” partner just takes it for granted the other will pick up the slack/change their habits.

In the OPs case, I wonder if her partner has ever acknowledged the fact she cuts her nights short for him or he just takes it for granted. The latter attitude is likely to cause more resentment.

I once had a flatmate who had me tiptoeing around the house until after 9am because she apparently had sleep difficulties that meant she couldn’t fall sleep until late and therefore needed to sleep in. So even me washing a breakfast bowl in the kitchen at say 8am (on a weekday) was too loud! I was ok-ish about it until she became quite entitled and failed to realise she was impinging upon my lifestyle.

I need 8-9. I prefer 10 but obviously work, kids and wanting to see DH gets in the way!

I have hyper but know lots of people with hypo, and the NHS is absolute pants at treating it... sooo many people under-medicated, if at all... One of my tradesmen has it, and he said he went to a client's house and fell asleep on their landing, woke two hours later... and he still had the devil's own job getting his meds increased...

9 hours may be within the normal range and it probably is optimal, sure.

I’m sure if I got 9 hours sleep a night I would br pretty bright eyed and bushy tailed. In reality I rarely get more than 7. It is what it is and I catch up when I can but I would prefer to not have a perfect sleep schedule but to have a full life, an interesting job and a happy family life. Swings and roundabouts.

Its quite a jump from saying 9 hours is optimal to insisting that you have to have 9 hours and to hell with the impact on those around you. That kind of rigidity isn’t compatible with life.

I know some people need more sleep than others and I understand people prioritizing it when they can but I simply don’t buy the idea that it’s biologically necessary to do this every night of the week, particularly if you are inconveniencing your spouse and hardly seeing your kids.

Its a bit like me saying my ideal diet is macrobiotic vegetables with wild salmon and caviar and therefore I demand to eat it for every meal. Not all of life is always optimal for your health. It’s about balancing your wants with your family’s needs and not letting the perfect become the enemy of the good.

Hypothyroidism can be caused by autoimmune disease.

That doesn't give him a get out of parenting clause. He needs to adjust the timing to cover the children on a fair rota.

Luckily my children slept pretty much from day one, scared the hell out of me. But when they were ill we would just tag team.

It is perfectly normal. The range is quite broad. Difference people have different systems.

I manage fine on 7 with a weekend 9 hours on Friday and Saturday night. My partner is roughly the same.

Then why is everyone saying that OP's DH obviously needs his precious nine hours a night and can't possibly be expected to function on less occasionally?

My other half complains fairly regularly about how tired he is of being tired all the time and it does get a bit grating 🙈 we have two very young children so that is just our life at the moment and you do just need to press on.

There is, but many guys/ friends scoff at my bedtime. And actively choose to be up til 11-12-1 scrolling and watching tv, not actually doing something positive. I’d happily stay up for a good read/ late show in the city/ hot sex, but not those things…

Then they know full well that they’ve got to be up at 6 the next morning and then complain they are tired and can’t function 🤷‍♀️ And how they know screens and gaming and late night drinks affect their sleep quality yet they do that every night.

So sounds like a choice of broken sleep and grogginess to me… There’s many lifestyle factors you can manage for better sleep but people ignore them often.

I get home from my workout and nice hot shower between 9-10 and go straight to bed and it’s lovely and makes me feel at my best and happy.