To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

It's very normal and research based.

But I assume you don't force your partner to go to bed with you? Or refuse to get up to do any of the night wakings, which is what OP's partner does to her?

If my partner interfered with me wanting to go to bed once the kids were asleep I would have an issue with the relationship.

We have a 2 year old. Both work full-time. I work 8-4:30pm. These years are physically tough. When my child is in bed about an hour later I go to bed. Occasionally I stay up but most of the time I need to rest and sleep.

It's kind of a double edged knife, has this always been the case since you've been together or is it a more recent ish thing, he may need to do fbc at the docs see if he's lacking in b12 or iron deficiency or something else underlying, I know I sleep a good 8hrs daily not so much the weekends but definitely in the week, otherwise it's knocks me sideways some people deffo suffer through lack of a decent sleep would talk to your partner if its a more recent thing encourage them to have an mot at the gp

I think I'm doing well on 5 or 6 .

Was about to say the same. 6 is good but I do flag by the afternoon. Would love 9 :)

By the experts? 9 hours. Just about every life and psychological system needs 9 hours. Lots of great research out there. To have less makes you open to dementia, cancers, depression, ruins your mental health et al.

People vary. I live with someone who appears able to manage on 4 hours during the week but much longer at the weekend.

My job is very mentally draining, if I’ve had a particularly busy day using my brain I need more sleep. Maybe it’s just this rather than something physical?

Completely normal. I need 9 hours to be completely with it the next day. However once I get my twins to bed it’s half 8 and I also need a few hours downtime too. So I have 7 most nights. But 9 is optimum for me.

Some people need more sleep than others, and 9 hours is a fairly standard amount. Though obviously not great if you have young children and he decides nothing should disturb his precious sleep and you are up all night instead, then that would just be shitty.

@Toptops

No, it’s the amount he wants, not the amount he needs.

That's the amount of sleep he needs.

Yep, one toe on the floorboards and I’m awake

You should not have that sort of conversation with him.

You should not seek his imprimatur as to how you can spend your time in the evenings.

His response to you sticking up for yourself and not looking for his approval of your wishes or needs will tell you exactly what you're dealing with here.

Tell him flat out that being told when you go to bed is not on and must stop.
Tell him you'll be going to bed when you feel like going to bed.

Very often, people who can't sleep unless there's dead silence or have other very rigid routines around getting to sleep or staying asleep, or who try to impose their will on those they live with when it comes to sleep are either using control as a means of overcoming underlying anxiety or depression, or they are just controlling by nature.

The rigidity is a big problem here.
The ducking of partnership in the home and as parents "because wrecked" is also a big problem.
The idea that a grown adult can be told when she should go to bed to pander to another's issues is huge.
These are relationships issues that need to be tackled. The basic issue is inequality. He has put himself first.

Two words - noise machine.

What actually happens 99% of the time is that the man snores on obliviously while the woman manages to get by on broken sleep for months, and never sleeps heavily again for the rest of her life.

No he wants her to go to bed same time as him. Still doesn't solve issues of not having time to relax together if she stays up

Yeah, for all I'm defending the 'long-sleepers club', it's absolutely not on for him to send you to bed like a child...

I agree with previous posters, separate bedrooms are fantastic, if you can possibly do that. And very trendy these days, doncha know...

nah, it’s absolutely unacceptable that he thinks he can tell her when to go to bed. She should read a paperback, watch tv, text her friends, make a call or whatever the heck she wants to do at 9pm when he goes off to bed.

You need to say No to being forced to go to bed, not allowed to read, or watch TV.
If HE wants to go to bed at the same time as the children, you are not stopping him. You already know he is not interested in any interaction with You. He has to accept you are a living breathing individual adult, You will decide for yourself when you go to bed.
I paint, I sometimes paint till after midnight. Sometimes I do admin or reply to emails, chat to a friend, read, do my nails.
I enjoy the calm, at least I feel there's a purpose to my day, not just expedite the day & sleep until the next. wasting basically 20 odd hours of my life a week. Thats the equivalent of a whole day lost,
H used to play this bullying game, and the onus was, I should be wife & do the same...
Basically he is selfish, he is not interested in my wellbeing or interaction.
So please just tell him factually, he needs his sleep so jog on.

But lying in the dark on a kindle from 9pm every evening may not be what the OP wants to do with her time every day, nor should that be required of her. Although I agree that the Kindle is better but not much use if you’re not a big reader or the books you want to read are in hard copy.

Get a kindle, it’s not like a phone to stare at so not going to wreck your sleep pattern and won’t be so bright as to disturb him. I need minimum 9 hours (10-7) to feel not like death so I think it’s not abnormal. I’ve always envied people who have 6/7 hours and wake up fresh as a daisy I’d love to have more hours in my day!

And yes, telling another adult what time they will go to bed is beyond nuts! Just say "no"! Weirdly controlling and quite bizarre.

Just off to read this article with interest. Thanks for posting!
I do this and beat myself up thinking I can't get to bed at a decent time and it's uninterrupted sleep.