To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

9 hours sleep is not ridiculous at all.

This. It's best for myself and everyone else when I get 9 hours. Less than 8 and I feel shit. Doesn't mean it always happens, but it's not ridiculous.

I think it’s just one of those things where people have very different sleep needs. 9 hours definitely isn’t outwith the normal range, and long term sleep deficiency can be catastrophic from a health perspective.

Is there a way you can shift your timetable around so that he goes to bed later and gets up later on certain days, so you have more time together?

And, importantly, do you get enough sleep? If you’re getting less than is ideal for you in order to facilitate him getting 9 hours, then it’s not on and something needs to change.

I need 8 - 9 hours to feel how I want to feel the next day! I really feel the difference if I don’t get it. In saying that, I don’t have kids, so it’s easy for me to be precious over it.

I need 8 but 9 would be lovely. I can function on less but it aint pretty. We are all different, I doubt he's doing it to piss you off.

It's on the long side. That in itself isn't so much an issue but being "ruined for days" after any disturbance possibly is. How does he express his ruination? If he's grumpy or lethargic for half the week then yes that's annoying. What does he do to avoid being ruined? Leave the night wakings to you? We all have different sleep needs but if the household is impacted negatively by his that's perhaps something to address.

He isn't forcing the OP to spend 9 hours in bed. She can unwind without him, she just doesn't want to.

The DH needs to sleep 9 hours to feel OK. The OP wants him to stay up later. The two are not comparable.

It isn't reasonable to expect someone to compromise their own physical wellbeing to meet your own social needs.

I'm going against the grain and I think that's a LOT for an adult (illness etc aside)
I'm not saying it's not necessarily normal, but I do think if the household is revolving around his sleep requirements then it would frustrate me.
I also think that you can get used to more/less sleep. I sleep a lot less now as a parent than I did pre kids. And my body has got used to that, and now I function on less sleep than I used to. Am that's my new normal.
I don't live with my BF, and quite often he messages me to say good night as he's going up.....about 10 minutes after I've put my 11 year old to bed!

@Bertielong3 - what time do you wake immorally ? 😁

@NightFeeds - I don’t think I’ve ever slept 9 hours in my life! I am happy with 6 hours a night. Of course everyone is different but when you have young DC, the grown ups in the house need to step up and adapt their needs/wants (sleeping and otherwise) to care for the DC.

Most adults realise sleep will be one of the first things to suffer when you have DC. Not being able to function for days after being disturbed sounds a bit pathetic to me and would give me a bit of an ick.

Yes it's normal.

Most people who have small children are sleep deprived and it does have an impact on how they can function,

Some function reasonably well. Others don't.

It's usually easier for younger people to cope with sleep deprivation - lots of stories of early twenties people pulling all nighters for work or going clubbing and then going straight to work.

I had twins at 23 and me and my ExH sorted a shift system so that each of us got at least 6 hours sleep. It made a big difference, but even so I had two minor car accidents when they were under 5 and my ExH regularly fell asleep at work.

People need sleep.

When I was 20-30ish I could cope with about 6 hours sleep. Now I’m in my 40s I need to go to bed around 10pm otherwise I feel awful and grumpy the next day. I know dh struggles with that in a similar way to you as he would ideally like to stay up to 11.30/12 like we used to (he’s younger than me) but I really can’t manage it anymore.

He might have an underlying condition. Less than 8 hours will ruin me for the next day and too many like that will trigger a bipolar episode for me. I ended up with psychosis twice during the baby days because of lack of sleep from too many wake-ups in the nights and DH had to take over the night feeds for me. If your DH needs that much sleep I'd say don't push it, you might not like what happens.

My daughter is like this, she always has been from childhood onwards, she needs hours and hours of sleep. And there's no underlying condition causing it, it's just her. My son is the opposite and can manage on 4 hours if necessary. Just to demonstrate that different individuals need different amounts, all normal.

Of course it's normal. Actually, if you read up on sleep habits, you will see that people are getting less sleep compared to past times. Screens and our working patterns have meant sleep times have decreased compared to eg a hundred years ago, and it's not healthy or natural. So many people talk about getting by on six hours a night and needing numerous cups of coffee a day etc. - what's natural about that?

I understand your frustration OP but sleep needs are difficult to change and I think you need to learn to live with it.

How old is he op?

I’ve managed with different levels at different times of my life - anything from 7 to 9 hours on average.

I could once pull all-nighters with relative frequency and still be bouncy out at brunch; these days am getting tired by around 6pm, then manage on a “second wind” through the evening 😞

10.30-7.30 say doesn't sound crazy. It's hard when dc start staying up as late as you/him so I do get your need to have some downtime after that.

Everyone has different sleep needs and sleep is incredibly important to general health so you shouldn't try and police his sleeping.

Although if he's leaving all the kids' wake ups to you that's not fair as you also need sleep, albeit less than he does.

I need to sleep from 9:00 pm until 7:00 am.
That is more than 9 hours. Always have needed that.
If I have days of less sleep I do have to stop and catch up as I just crash.
Two of my children have always needed similar hours of sleep.

I don’t think 9 hours is unreasonable (that’s my ideal but not always doable with a job and/or kids). Nor do I see why it means you get no evening together. How old are your kids? Mine went to bed at 7 when tiny (oldest one closer to 8 at age 5 now). If he has to be up at 7, that means bed at 10 so still 2/3 hours before he has to go to bed?

NHS says it's completely normal. If that's what his body needs, why would you want him to feel ill and stressed every day through lack of sleep?

"A healthy adult usually needs around 7 to 9 hours of sleep. However, age, health and personal circumstances affect how much sleep we need, plus some people naturally sleep more than others."

Except it seems it's revolving around him and his needs

Is this new?

If so, worth getting checked out.

If not, I think it’s good that he recognises how much sleep he needs and is able to listen to his body.

I feel like shit if I sleep for 9 hours, makes me feel shattered, groggy and nauseous. Six is optimal for me, but everyone is different and we all have different amounts. If nine works for him that's what he needs.

What time is he in bed? 10-7 for example us different to 8.30-5.30

He wouldn't be taking himself off to bed if he wasn't tired would he?

Do you think he's lying about it or something? Why would he?

Everyone is different.