To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

Oh, OP, I feel for you. I have a similar thing. I often struggle to sleep but lots of things that help me get to sleep disturb DH, including a reading light. I do use a Kindle now though. Not that I’m suggesting you want to spend every evening in the dark from 9pm reading a Kindle silently.

I dunno, I think it's unusual to need that much sleep. Of course very usual to prefer it, but to be so rigid about it and to be "ruined for days" if he gets less or is disturbed...that seems to me like it's a sign of either an underlying health issue or that his treating his wants as needs.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Graves Disease. In fact, when I was in flare it was amazing because it was like being on steroids, I was racing around the place... also shaking and losing weight and hair, mind, but hey, energy! 😄

You're saying he wants 9 hours in bed rather than 9 hours actual sleep. I think this is reasonable - it takes a bit of time to fall asleep then he may wake briefly in the night or wake before his alarm goes off. So he's probably getting 8-8.5 hours sleep which is well within the normal range.

Does he have a long commute, if he has to get up at 6.15 and isn't home until 7? That's tiring too.

Depends what you mean by “function”. I need nine hours to feel ok. But I can struggle on with less, and very often do it’s just that I feel like shit. So many people have chronic low mood and stress that seeps into family relationships - I can fix it all by just getting enough sleep do why wouldn’t I when I can?

Everyone is different. I need more uninterrupted sleep than my husband and really feel it if I don’t. We also have small children so I don’t always get it, but boy I notice a difference when I do.

Why does it annoy you so much? Just let him go to bed and do your own thing?

As I've said, I think he should do his fair share of might wakings - it shouldn't all fall to you.

What else are you picking up as a result of him taking himself off to bed early? I think it's fine to need more sleep, but that isn't a get out of jail free card that allows him to opt out of doing his fair share of the work.

I just feel like other people manage to go to work, the gym, have hobbies, have a mid week social life etc and we can’t even manage to watch a Netflix series in the week.

You can still do all those things, just not with your DH. Go out and have a mid week social life, find a hobby, join a gym, watch a series by yourself. Unless he’s stopping you, I’m not really seeing the issue?

A glass of wine before bed would make me feel like I needed more sleep! That’s madness if he’s a big sleeper.

To be honest, left to my own device, I'd sleep 9-10h to be my best, happiest self. But, I have a 4yo and a 6mo so that's just not possible, and it's more like 5-6h of broken sleep. That's just how life is with young kids, I'm afraid. I think you could both compromise and get a little bit more time together in the eve, maybe like 1h. So you'd pick DC up form nursery closer to 5-5.30pm so they could go to bed closer to 7-7.30, and DH gos to bed closer to 9.30pn so it'd only be 1/2h less than he'd like, but I'm sure his grown ass can handle that (if I can handle 4h shaven off my sleep 🙄).

The other factor is, how alert and on-it does he have to be in the day?

My optimum is 7 hours, I've never slept more than 8. I can still function on a lot less (and can even still pull the occasional all-nighter like in my 20s) but it won't be pretty. A full-on working day involving social interaction, concentration, meetings? I'm firmly ringfencing my 7 hours. A slow working day that I can guarantee goes on autopilot? That's why I went to an all-night election party in July.

Why should she? Fine if she might want to read a book but otherwise it’s just lying next to someone asleep and not wanting to disturb them.

Unless I’m ill, if I went to bed at 9pm it would be a waste of my evening, and would also make it really hard for me to get to sleep.

Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days

Are you having to tip-toe around so not to disturb him?

Little one is 3 now and tends to wake once in the night which I deal with

I'm guessing this has always been the case?

He is BVU if his rigidity about it means that you're the one who has to deal with everything that occurs between 9 and 6:15 and can't relax in your own home.

Having different sleep needs is normal but I'd see the gp for a health mot just to make sure there is nothing underlying.

I prefer 8 and can function on less. He has little children. He just needs to deal with less sleep like everyone else.

You haven’t said if he eats healthily and exercises. I fine if you’re in reasonable shape you can function on less sleep. He sounds like he’s taking advantage. Like so many men do.

Is it just luck that he needs more sleep and therefore you’re the one who has to cope with less? I think not.

She could go to bed with him?

I used to manage on 7 in the week but then weekends I could end up sleeping 11 or 12 hours! Now I get around 8.5 every night, same at weekends. I think for me it's much healthier.

So if he was also lying in for hours on weekends, then yes that would be annoying and concerning. But if he sticks to the same sleep on those nights also then it's clearly what he needs. I can understand it's frustrating for you though when you just want some company.

@NightFeeds "DH gets home around 7 and wants to be in bed by 9 to get up at 6:15."

So he has a 2 hour evening? I just don't think that's sustainable. And why does he turn the TV off and say "bedtime!". Is he expecting you to go with him? How are you going to manage with a new baby? And it won't be long before your older child is doing activities which means he won't be home til later-what happens if he's "ruined for days" because he has to pick up from Cubs then do bedtime because you're busy with the baby?

It's amazing how different people are. On another thread, woman complaining her DH doesn't do a night feed for baby. My DH is physically ill if he doesn't get around 8 hours,he's been retired a couple of years, but still goes to bed at 9 ,up before 5, which was his working pattern. I've never slept 8 hours in my life. I worked nights for over 30 years,if I was lucky, I slept 3 hours in the day, I just couldn't sleep any longer. I think I run in caveman mode. In the summer inspire of blackout blinds and an eye mask,I'm awake by 4, when it's light. I'm happy, and healthy on 5 hours, and it's not in one stretch (bladder prolapse gets me up) I've tried going back to sleep, and I feel absolutely dreadful, like I've been beaten up and drugged!

Well it will if it is a biological thing he cannot control and he needs 9 hours sleep to function properly the next day. No different to anyone who has a medical condition, you have to adapt to their needs if you are in a relationship with them.

It's not fair that you do all the night wakings.

How has that been put on you?

That does sound very lonely. Has this need for sleep got greater as he’s got older? Does he need to be awake at 6am or could it be shifted to 10-7 maybe?

I can probably count the number of times I’ve slept that long as an adult on my fingers but I realise some people genuinely need it to function. But I’m having to try very hard to imagine a life with so much time spent asleep. DH and I only manage an hour or so most weeknights but it does make a big difference at the end of the day to have that time together.