To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

For comparison, my DH had a senior managerial role with lots of overseas travel.

His usual bedtime was 10-30-11pm.
Up at 7am. Out of the house by 7.45. In the office by 8.30.
Home usually at 7pm. Dinner at 7.30.

Except he chose to be a parent - he can't just opt out because he'd rather sleep!

Has he been like this since you met him, or has this somehow developed as his job has got more demanding/commute longer or something?

What is he doing that keeps him out of the home till 7pm as standard, and up again at 6:15? Does he work in a safety-critical environment where fatigue is very strictly monitored and could have serious consequences (manufacturing, construction, driving, surgeon, pilot type thing?)

If not, could he work from home sometimes and maybe benefit from not having the commute?

To be honest he sounds like a total bore.

To answer your question, DH and I work in reasonably high pressure city type jobs. We go to bed between 11 and 12 and get up at 7. DS is 8 and goes to sleep about 8:30/9. That gives us plenty of time to spend together in the evening. And DH is fully involved in evening bedtime routine for DS, and does half the school runs.

People really fetishise sleep in our culture at the moment and, don't get me wrong, sleep is important, but there's a lot of silly neurosis about it.

I have a friend who insists on leaving social events at 9pm because she claims she won't get her 8 hours without it. It's ridiculous and it makes her look like a complete drama queen. Yes its important to regularly get a decent sleep but no one died from having slightly less than the optimal number of hours and the upside of having a bit more fun occasionally but only getting 6 hours vastly outweighs the marginal benefit of hitting a perfect 9 every night.

I actually think getting more than about 8 hours a night regularly isn't great: you teach your body to be very dependent on sleep and need more and more of it to function, making you lethargic and listless.

Op - is he generally healthy? Does he exercise?

Is he overweight? He sounds quite' sluggish'. Does he have energy?

Seriously, if he's in bed and asleep by 9pm I'd be suggesting he goes to his GP for a man-check up!

Unless he's working in a hugely physical or high powered job, where he's pushed to the limits, it's odd he needs to be asleep by 9.

Why does he turn the tv off? Do you go to bed at the same time?

My ex partner needed to go to sleep absolutely by 10 at the latest and got up at 7/7.15. Without this he was also tired for days and also he would sleep in the day some time too.

I think some men are like this. I have other male friends too who literally get home, eat then have a bath and are in bed tucked up going to sleep by 9.

Personally I like it because I'm a morning person. I also need to go to sleep at that sort of time if possible.

We had a young child. Her bedtime was bath 6.30/6.45, story and song afterwards, asleep by around 7.30. Then there was maybe a bit of time downstairs and we were usually in bed ourselves by 8.30. Then you get up to an hour just together, that's the downtime together. Then sleep.

I found that routine very good. Maybe it's something you could consider?

He's out of the house a long time.

My ExH worked similar hours except he left at 5am back by 7pm.

He would do stuff in the evenings but wouldn't usually bother coming home - so if we went out to choir rehearsal or cinema or whatever he'd get a sandwich on the train and we'd meet in town.

You have a 3yo, and yes as they get older they will do activities that start to go into the evening - rainbows or beavers that finish at 6, cubs or brownies that finish at 7 etc, but these will be after school and start earlier that your dh gets home.

My ExH was never home early enough to do any of the chauffeuring around for our kids until they got significantly older because he wasn't home until 7, or 7:30 or 8 if the trains were delayed.

He slept in on weekends, usually until noon or 2pm.

It might be reasonable for you but 9 hours is within the bounds of normal and he doesn’t function well on less so it’s not reasonable for him.

I need about 9. With age I've become completely incapable of functioning beyond 9PM. I can happily fall asleep earlier when DC allow.

People can adjust their sleep patterns.

Extending your 'going to bed time' by half an hour gradually can work.

I think if he gets up at 6.15, actually going to sleep at 10pm or even 10.30 is reasonable.

If he needs it, he needs it. People have different sleep requirements.

I think it's odd and it would piss me off. Does he expect you to go to bed at 9pm with him? That's a child's bedtime and getting up at 6.15 isn't even ridiculously early.

So you never go out in the evening for a drink/meal/cinema, don't go to the gym or any classes, or take the kids out late? What about when he's on holiday?

Sleeping too long is a risk for strokes, believe it or not.

I think the sleep medics say that between 6 to 8 hours is best.

Anyone like the OP's H needing over 9 hours needs to have a medical IMO to check they've not got any issues going on.

I can't get over him turning the TV off and announcing bed time! Is he really turning it off while you're watching?!

Also - is he actually going straight to sleep? He's not just scrolling on how phone for an hour? I'd say if he's not falling straight to sleep he doesn't necessarily need the sleep as much because if he was tired he'd be asleep before his head hit the pillow.

These are long days, how many days a week? Is it a long commute or long shifts? What is he doing?

I'm also a 9 hour person, but it doesn't mean my DH would have to do all the night wakings.

Heck, my Dad even did 50:50 night wakings back in the 80s because he's not a selfish arse!

What job does he do and how long is his commute? One of my family members is a teacher with at least an hour’s drive at both ends of the day. They go to bed around 9.30 and get up at 6 at the latest. They wouldn’t want to be doing all that driving on not enough sleep.

I’m surprised at the OP really. Early to bed and early to rise is generally regarded as the virtuous sleep pattern. Night owls who sleep late in the morning usually receive most of the hate.

Reading your other posts, I'd say 9pm is very early for a youngish adult man.
If he's up just after 6, he ought to be able to stay awake to 10pm or even 10.30

This makes you sound like a waitress.
The main source of frustration for me is DH acts like he wants downtime he will ask for dessert or a glass of wine and pop the TV on and I will be lulled into chilling out and then 10 minutes later he will snap it off and be like “bedtime!

Do you trot around after him providing for his every whim?
Can't be get his onw pudding and wine?

I also need about 9 hours. I sleep 10.30pm to 7.30am in the week. At the weekend I go to bed much later and usually have an hours nap in the afternoon to make up for it. This is how I have been most of my life. When I had young babies (twins who slept poorly) I just about coped but it was hell.

Me too…9 hours and I feel great. Less than that, I’m catching up on sleep on the weekends.

I often have disrupted sleep as I take a senior dog out for a wee in the early hours. Can't use a dog flap as he's bigger than me!

I always have a nap or around 20/30 minutes later on in the day and then feel fantastic.

The issue here is not how much sleep he needs but maybe your lack of understanding.

What time do your kids go to bed?

I can warn you that when they are teens, you're likely to be in bed long before they are.

I need about 8 hours, can manage on 7-ish but feel crap on less.

I'm in bed between 10.30-11pm and awake by around 6.30 but get up at 7.30, maybe a bit earlier in summer.

So he gets up at 6.15am and is out all day until 7pm. What time do you get up and then get home in the evening? Why is he out so late?
My DH goes to bed at 8pm from Sunday to Wednesday as he starts work at 6am Monday to Thursday. At the weekend he stays up much later so we do have time together. He only works part time so is home by 2pm on work days. He does his share of jobs round the house when he gets home so that on the days I work I come home to a lovely tidy house, all laundry done, and tea prepped.
However, when DC were little and we both worked PT, we were like ships that pass in the night! Sleep was crucial and we took turns to have a lie in at the weekends.

Perfectly normal. I’m fine on about 6 hours, I’ve never needed much. DH needs more than me and that’s fine. Presumably you knew this before you got married and had kids sooooo……

I get 8 hours and it doesn't feel enough - think i need 3 weeks