To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

Nine solid hours? From 9pm? And you have to go with him so you don’t ’disturb’ him?

No. That’s not normal.

Thank you, he only moved in with us because my mum gave him an ultimatum. It's why I'm often seen giving very strong opinions on some of the threads about people moving their partners in. It's awful how many children have to put up with living with their parents' unsuitable partners although I'm aware some bio parents are terrible too.

Now sometimes I have two sleeps. One from 9pm-12pm on the sofa, then I go to bed and I'm awake for an hour or so, then I go off to sleep again and get up in the morning.

It's what people often did at one time.

www.bbc.com/future/article/20220107-the-lost-medieval-habit-of-biphasic-sleep

That sounds awful and it’s why I made the point upthread about people needing to consider if this is someone they can really spend their life with.

It’s a shame your mum inflicted this man on your household and equally that he didn’t have the sense and decency to know that someone with his sleep “needs” maybe wasn’t suitable to move in with a woman with kids.

I've told you my reality. There's not much else to say

Sometimes I could sleep the clock round when the kids were small. I'd go to bed when they did.

Perhaps try and have one night where you do something together.

Of course it’s normal, for many people. Some need 5 hours, some need 10 like me.

As they say sometimes “love” just isn’t enough. It’s so important to use your judgement and consider compatibility in a variety of things before marriage especially when you’re thinking of having children.

Some women or men will be happy to pick up the slack or arrange their life to meet their partners 9pm bedtime or whatever but it’s perfectly valid that for some others that is just not acceptable to them and they would feel it’s having a negative impact on their life as a couple and on family life.

It’s about deciding if you can have a healthy and happy life together. It’s not about judging that person as a bad person or something.

How does he actually feel if he gets less than 9hrs? has he ever tried? does he help at all with bath/bedtime/cooking?
Does he literally sleep 9hrs or just an excuse to get out of helping.
Why should you not get 9hrs? he's took it for granted you'll wake through the night and manage in less sleep, seems very selfish.

Pensioner is a term that covers people from 60 to over 100. You will find that the pensioners who need a nap are usually well over 75 or even 80 if they are lucky enough to get to that age!

@Honestandkind

No. I need 9 hours before I can ever enjoy walking on the beach. Even with no children. Function - yes of course I'm mature. Enjoy - Unfortunately not

I'm sorry but I think this is mainly psychosomatic. I understand wanting to get 9 hours but feeling you are not enjoying life without it is something you have trained yourself to believe.

I can't believe there's an evolutionary basis for needing 9 hours a night. Primitive men and women wouldn't have had this luxury.

No, it's not. My husband got up for a feed last night, me after. I hate how people write about men on MN

I’m in bed by 9, asleep by 10, up at 7, out the house by 8 back by 6-7.

I couldn’t cope with someone pestering me to stay up later or go to the doctors because 9 hours isn’t normal 🙄I’m a light sleeper so couldn’t take a reading light or tv on in the bedroom either.

If we’re doing something at the weekend or it’s a special occasions maybe I’ll stay up later but it doesn’t stop me being tired and “powering down” at my usual time.

I think it's normal for some people and not for others. I can survive on 6, I'd prefer more of course but with two small children in our house who tend to not sleep week, I've learned to manage on 6.

I'd be more concerned about him dictating the evening. Surely he doesn't announce bedtime and then expect you to also go to bed at the same time? It's not quality time together but is there a reason you can't continue to enjoy solo downtime in the evening with a treat/tv and then go to bed whenever you want. If he's making you go to bed at the same time then I'd have a real problem with that.

I use to go to bed at 10 and get up at 6. It bothered dh who didn't get up until 8 so wanted us both to stay up. Now dh gets up at 530 so we go to bed at 930! ( I might read on my phone in bed for a bit)

I would stay downstairs if you want longer though. Enjoy free choice of telly!

Same. Funny how it's always the woman who has to learn to cope on a few hours broken sleep whilst tiptoeing around their male partner not being able to cope with anything less than 8.

If your little one is in nursery, I assume you both work full-time. Do you both really need to do that financially to make ends meet. If not, is there any flexibility on either side to finish work earlier, especially thinking about picking little one up earlier and getting them relaxed/less stimulated earlier.

We don't know what he does for a living, but if it's physical that could account for it. I have two small jobs, both physical - one wears me out more than doing an exercise class. The other one I only do one day a week, but others there tell me they physically hurt after a day at work.

No. I need 9 hours before I can ever enjoy walking on the beach. Even with no children. Function - yes of course I'm mature. Enjoy - Unfortunately not

I agree, I would find this a real turn off.

You both need to compromise a bit. My DH and I have different natural sleeping patterns, different schedules and I do night wake ups so we both meet in the middle so both of us get a reasonable amount. I wear a mask to block out the light if he turns it on to read, he comes to bed a bit earlier etc. If one of you is being all-out selfish and the other one is suffering that’s crap.

A grown healthy man needing a regular daytime nap would put me off immensely! Like being married to a pensioner.

I came here to say this. I don't cope well either, but I have no choice.

@Completelyjo

”teaching your body ti be very dependant on sleep”? That’s just fucking nuts, it’s literally like saying you’re teaching your body to need food and water. Sleep is a basic biological need and 9 hours is within the boundary of normal

The comparison with food and water is a completely false equivalence: I'm not saying anyone can function on no sleep. But claiming that its essential to hit an exact 9 hours every night is an indulgence when it comes at the expense of family's wellbeing and your marriage.

No one needs 9 hours a night. They may want it and it may be optimal for their body. And by all means they should do it when they can. But if they are throwing a grenade into their family life by insisting on the need to do this they need to grow up and get things in perspective.

We're all different. So please don't suggest I'm not normal and need help because I like to sleep from 10pm to 7am

But DH doesn’t turn the TV off when he goes to bed. That’s quite controlling. I just stay up and watch something/have a bath/read a book