To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

Supporting your partner, not your pervert 😂

Maybe I need more sleep!

I don’t manage fine. I feel ill with less sleep and don’t think nine hours is that much tbh! Just because your body could adjust, doesn’t mean everyone can!

Right, but when you have children you can't just ignore them, stick a pair of earplugs in and let them scream - you have to get up and parent.

So yes, of course you'd adjust if you had no choice - you might feel tired or unwell or drowsy but that's parenting. You can't just opt out and dump it all on your partner because you'd rather have a full nights sleep.

This is complete nonsense.

i can 'function' on 3 hours.

I usually get 5-6 on a good night

Ideally 7+ would be marvellous, but very rare.

ADHD with delayed sleep phase syndrome and also an Autism Mom, so often have to function on 3hrs sleep if my son is up/about.

I should be so lucky. Im far too busy to sleep for 9 hours. I get 6 at the most. When I was a single mum I worked 12 hour day shifts and there was no way I was getting more than 5 hours sleep unless I wanted to neglect DS.
Your DH sounds rather inflexible and I wonder if he needs a blood test to check all his levels. It sounds suspiciously like he might be lacking in something.

OP, does your husband do a manual job? Or work long shifts?

I used to be amazing on not very much sleep- did great work during all nighters, managed to survive a crap sleeper and full on job… however, now my children are a bit older I can’t do it anymore. I really struggle now when I don’t get at least 7-8 hours but I also get headaches triggered by night waking. It’s been quite an adjustment to realise I need to prioritise sleep more to stay well. In some ways your husband is doing a sensible thing but it will be much harder to sustain that as your children get older. My 8 year old is rarely asleep before 9 - partly she’s wired that way as a night owl but she’s also got activities, homework etc and even my 5yos bedtime has stretched from 7 to closer to 8.

9 hours = going to bed at 10 and waking at 7, that's not abnornal? Especially if they are perhaps active?

And what about if you love them deeply, want children with them, and they are good people?! How can you judge someone on the amount of sleep they need. They are not machines, they are human beings, We are told to be tolerant in the modern world, so tolerance begins at home with your partner.

Tolerance doesn't mean accepting selfish behaviour, though. I'm sure lots of people would love nine hours of uninterrupted sleep every night but unfortunately that's not very compatible with being a parent.

Any grown adult who thinks their sleep takes priority over raising their kids needs a kick up the arse, frankly.

Yeah YANBU op, he’s not a baby why does he need so much sleep?! How does he manage when you go for nights out and that kind of thing? @NightFeeds

I guess I just feel insanely jealous.

for a year or two I survived on 5-6 hours or less. It feels luxurious for someone to expect more than 8 hours. What I would have done for that.

i realise my own experience is clouding my judgement

I would just enjoy the quiet evening if he goes to bed at 9:30 and you can watch whatever you want on TV!

Maybe he could be agree to stay up a bit later at the weekend? Have Saturday as date night?

I take your point more broadly but she isn't complaining about that and hasn't indicated he is a bad parent. It is possible for for him to not do any night wake-ups and still parent equally. Me and my DP don't do 50% of every task but we parent equally. I might do all or most of one thing and he might do all or most of something else but I don't feel hard done by because I know we are both contributing.

I need 9 hours but often wake up for an hour in the middle of the night.

Yes well this is one of the things that can and does indeed often happen.

But even if doesn’t manifest to his extreme, If someone feels they constantly has to pick up the slack or tailor their lives to meet their partners bedtime it can cause resentment as multiple people on this thread have expressed.

Marriage and choosing a partner isn’t an “equal opportunity” venture, you are allowed to “discriminate” for any reason you find important.

I would not choose to marry my partner if he was like that and that’s ok. There is someone for everyone.

Then you'll need to find a partner whose needs match yours, rather than expecting someone with a more flexible sleeping pattern to build their life around your needs.

YABU @NightFeeds .

I need 8-9 hours - preferably with no more than 1 wee in the night. I usually sleep 11pm to 8am or midnight to 9am if I'm off work. Often 9 hours, sometimes 8 to 8 and a half.. 7 hours or less and I am fatigued and lethargic ALL DAY. I don't wake up more/perk up as the day goes on, it ruins my day if I don't get a decent sleep.

I wasn't this bad pre age 45-50, but I have been since my early 50s now. (nearly 60 now...) This is why I don't get how people cope when they have babies at an older age (like mid 40s.) How on earth do they find the energy for toddlers/ infant and junior age children. I couldn't be arsed! 😬

.

As opposed to the curent shit relationship which revolves around DH's wishes at the expense of the OP's wellbeing.

He isn't just taking himself to bed - he is turning off the TV and restricting what the OP can do as well. OP is also doing all the night shifts.

Nine hours simply to function is on the outer end of normal - I'd check for any other conditions. I'd also point out (as some PPs have said) that most people adapt to a more normal number of hours when they have to, notably women with small children adapt to broken nights (as per OP) and slightly less hours overall.

OP - worth checking out for any health conditions as some, such as apnoea, do not always come with stereotyped symptoms.

@Icanttakethisanymore except it is to do with his parenting because he's opting out of every single night waking, and his rigidity means that they never get any evening time together.

If you choose to share your life with someone and start a family with them, you can't just carry on as though you were single with no responsibilities. Part of being a good parent is also supporting your pervert and not just opting out to sleep every night.

I totally understand that viewpoint!

My mum was a single parent and seeing how some of my friends struggled with their stepparents, I was always very glad she never had any men over /moved any men in (aside from platonic friends and relatives).

I think the problem is not needing so much sleep but everyone having to tiptoe around him lest the master be disturbed, and being in a mood for days because he missed out on a bit of sleep.

I love my bed but have some nights when I sleep better than others and just get on with it if I haven't slept well.

Ok, yes, that is insane and abusive. Bit different.

If you want to spend your life organising everything you do around a partner's needs, you do that. That's how an awful lot of the women posting about their marital problems in Relationships started out. Madly in love, unconcerned about basic compatibility and convinced he'd change. A few years later they're doing all the childcare and he's doing what suits him. If you're prepared to do that, go you. But an increasing number of women are wising up.

Nothing destroys love like incompatibility and inflexibility.

I don’t manage fine. I feel ill with less sleep and don’t think nine hours is that much tbh! Just because your body could adjust, doesn’t mean everyone can!

Some people only need 2 hours sleep, some need 12. A lot of it is genetics.
ps it reeeeeaaaaallly sucks being a long sleeper, and not being able to have the same amount of “leisure time” as seemingly every other adult!