To ask how to come to terms with this financial situation

I agree about not relying on an inheritance. People think about care home fees but stuff like my sister remarried at almost 70, all manner of things can happen.

At the moment I don’t have enough equity even for that though and I’m paying mostly interest so far

Everyone mostly pays interest at the start, but in 15/20 years time you’ll have paid off more and gained a good bit of equity.

In terms of career, don’t think about it just now - give your head and heart time to process where you are now. There will come a point when you can focus on your career and see possibilities, you need time though to adjust to where you are now. Catastrophic thinking won’t help though.

There's a lot of over 55 housing being built. You only have to have 70% to not have any additional fees. There will be more solutions for you as a homeowner. There's equity release etc.

You can survive on that it’s just getting your mindset adjusted to paying for everything alone. Three of my friends are divorcing. They are a decade older than you at least. All will be worse off though two of them will still be better off than the majority it’s still a monumental mind shift.

The easiest way to make some money once your DD has left home is to rent out a room.

Assuming you are the only beneficiary of the will and, under current regulations, you will "only" pay around 150k tax which leaves you with plenty of change from 900k to pay off your mortgage and then some.
As others have said, though, everything may change in 30 years time. There is really absolutely no point worrying about it right now. You do need to maybe get yourself an appointment with a financial advisor to talk about a plan going forward.

Re inheritance, your parents can jointly leave 1 mill between them before IHT starts, so I think you can rest easy knowing you've got that potential financial cushion on the horizon.

(Appreciate it may be split between siblings).

OP, kindly, I think you might want to see a GP for this stress x I also worry incessantly about the future sometimes, and I get it's difficult in a position where you can't save either, but this doesn't sound healthy.

You'll have your pensions - check you're up to date with NI credits if applicable, that gives me peace of mind even if something happens to my private one!

You may well inherit. It may be taxed, but that doesn't mean you're left with nothing! I know you shouldn't count on it, but if you're worrying about worst case scenario you can also acknowledge that's a possibility!

Build equity for 20 years and then downsize - either to a flat or worst case, to rent somewhere?

If all else fails, there'll be social housing. It may not be incredible, but you wont be an OAP living on the streets 💐

You're catastrophizing and you're not thinking logically.

You are 39 years old. You have decades in which to pay off your mortgage. It sounds like you may well receive an inheritance at some point too.

Worst case, you get to 65, want to retire, still have a mortgage - it will be tiny at that time and your house value will have increased significantly. You just downsize then, using your equity to buy outright.

The issue is your 'reasonably well off' background is what you are setting as default. Your situation is better than most people. I agree about looking at your nutrition and try something like meditation. You will have options at 55 re downsizing etc. You might meet someone else etc. Surely there'll be some inheritance? Just set your DD up to do the best she can. The majority of young people don't have a leg up, just the ability to live rent free and support is enough.

i get through the month just about but there’s no buffer. Last month I only saved 60. It makes no difference to anything. I can manage but the stress is awful and I don’t know how I will cope with this now forever more

Yep, I get that. At the moment you’re adjusting to a huge change in circumstances and that can feel overwhelming. Not having a buffer is stressful, but that can change over time. What are your earning prospects like - are there development opportunities or promotion prospects? I’ve found over the last year that as I’ve put myself out there different opportunities have come along that I couldn’t have foreseen, especially given my age. I know it’s hard when you feel overwhelmed but you’ll be in a different place in a year/five years time - you have room to grow and develop your skills and earning capacity.

Hi OP, you are focusing on still having to work and potentially struggling when you are 70 - 30 years from now!

Losing sleep, waking at 3am every night, feeling anxious to this degree about something that may or may not be an issue in 3 decades time is not normal or healthy and it will rub off on your child of you don't address it.

Focus on the here and now, the home and security you are giving you and your child. It's amazing that you own a home but if you are struggling with the repayments of a large mortgage, maybe consider downsizing to something more manageable? If you can't move right now because of schools, maybe you can downsize in 10 years time, who knows. Address what you can fix right now, 30 years is a hell of a long time and you have no idea what will happen between now and then.

Definitely consider talking to someone about your anxiety.

If you can save and own your own home that is better than many.

So you're 39 and work, so presumably you will improve your salary over time as you're promoted or move jobs.

You will also (hopefully) inherit some money from your parents.

By the time you are 70 you will have built enough of an equity and your child will have left home for you to be able to sell and buy a comfortably small flat/house. You are not going to end up with nothing and nowhere to live.
Your daughter will make her own way in life and doesn't need any cash injection to do so. It's nice to have but it is not a must.
Besides, you may also get inheritance.

People just have to work longer. I know somebody who was working into their 80s. It's not nice but for some it's a necessity.

If your parents are well off, you may inherit at some point? Obviously it's not a guarantee.

How are your finances month to month, are you getting by and managing the mortgage payment? The mortgage is huge if you take it in one chunk, but you’d be needing to pay rent if you didn’t have a mortgage and each payment you make brings it down a tiny amount.

It’s hard being the sole earner, and yes there are no doubt thoughts about what you’d do if something happened to your job. So think through a plan, you’re trying to save, which is great. If the worst happened you could take a payment break on your mortgage while you find a new job, and negotiate with utilities etc. Are you working in a sector that tends to be insecure?

You’ll be ok, I’m in a similar position but 10 years older so financially I’m definitely not where I thought I would be but it’s ok.

Honestly, being in rental is far more precarious.