Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

I wouldn’t jump to divorcing him yet. Honestly, some people say this as an automatic response. You need to sit down, communicate and listen to each other. I bet his workmates have been sniping in his ears.

@Comedycook speak for yourself and your own bloody baby but even if it's not difficult it should not all be down to OP.

One of my friends in your situation pointed out to her dh that if he didn't pull his weight she'd leave him. Because that would at least mean she'd get every other weekend off. She meant it too, but thankfully he realised this and stopped being such a twat.

Honestly I couldn't stay with someone who showed so little love and respect to me and their child. And I don't throw LTB around this forum like sweets either...

Looking after one baby between two adults one of whom is home at 4pm should not be this difficult.

@MyKidsAreTooNoisy

OP says Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

How is that not classic shit?

Ah, the male apologists arrive. Of course.

This is not what maternity leave is for. She’s not there to be his skivvy, she’s caring for a newborn, establishing routines, breastfeeding patterns etc., and preparing the groundwork for a return to work. She’s earning more than him and providing a lifestyle he couldn’t maintain if they split, and l think this is an issue for him. He’s clearly been getting a ribbing at work about being ‘under the thumb’ and has stepped back from helping out as a result. So he’s putting his workmates opinions before his wife and baby. Not sure there’s a way back once you see it for what it is.

What's op doing then all day? Many mothers with more than one child manage.

Absolutely. DH seems angry and resentful of you and is acting out. Doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be saved if you’re both open about what is going on but you can’t leave it like this.

Be honest, are you overly critical?

@LeonoraCazalet @Anotherworrier so she should be grateful that he communicates clearly that he won't even warm up her lunch while she breastfeeds his child? why is your bar SO low?

This man was interested in parenting when he felt like it made him a bit of a hero. Now he realises it's hard work and is supposed to be its own reward he doesn't give a shit. If OP won't tell him he's the very very best at it he'll do nothing and let his child suffer. Why are you defending him?

He has an easy office job and is home by 4pm every day. How is changing a nappy during the night impacting his ability to work safely? He doesn't work for emergency services where lives are at risk. Maybe he'll send a dangerous email if he's too tired.

He goes out at least once a week and is training for a marathon. OP earns twice as much as he does and is on full pay during her maternity leave so he can't even use the excuse of being the breadwinner. He is listening to his dickhead mates and suddenly thinking that he is doing too much to help the OP and she should be more grateful.

I think he does do the tea?

It’s very convenient when someone’s moral high ground enables them to avoid doing what they don’t want to do. But he does sound like he does more than most men and you are on mat leave.

Your subsequent posts do make him sound like a dick, but I can’t help wondering whether the mutual stress and exhaustion is causing you both to be tetchy and mean to each other rather than this being the classic MN lazy dad you doesn’t want his life to change.

Hopefully the threat might be enough to put his gas at a peep.

Only problem is that she would have to follow through if he called her bluff.

Babies are hard work. It's not hard work for a week or two and suddenly it all becomes wonderful. Doing things to help you, is in turn helping his child too. Throwing a tantrum because life is not how he envisaged, is stupid. He's a grown adult, what did he think having a new baby would be like?! Or did he think you'd be doing everything because 'you're on maternity leave'? Some days I didn't know if I was on my ass or elbows, whilst looking after my son, and my husband was at work. Life pre-baby has gone. His life is now going to be different. He needs to understand that. If couples counselling helps, then go for it. Either way he needs to step up and be a good partner and Dad, as he did in the early days.

Good God. Imagine one man saying that to another man about his wife. Jesus.

Has he always shown such spiteful immaturity? Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive. Does he lack critical thinking skills to realise that comparing himself to deadbeat dads who do nothing shows very little? Why are his standards for his parenting so pathetically low? Making threats in response to your reasonable requests is bang out of order. The weaponised incompetence is pathetic too.

If this is a pattern of behaviour I think you need to seriously consider leaving this relationship as he will just get worse and no one wants a manchild. Even if this behaviour is new I think you need a no nonsense approach to dealing with it. Choose a quiet time when baby is asleep and make it unequivocally clear how his behaviour is unacceptable, the impact this is having on you and what needs to happen moving forwards e.g no more threats, he needs to parent his child 50:50 and likewise equally contribute to household chores/cooking. You sound brilliant OP, stay strong and do not accept less here. Don’t doubt yourself. Consider your options, always. He is complacent and needs to know you are absolutely prepared to walk away if he doesn’t get a grip and start behaving like a decent human being.

Gosh. You sound like two totally exhausted parents struggling with a very young baby. Maybe he feels like you’re getting at him a bit and nothing he is doing is good enough?

It seems you’ve both got resentful without actually communicating with each other.

And you should be grateful for what he does just as he should be grateful for what you do.

Regroup with him, have a proper chat. It seems like you work as a good team when things are going well. This stressful period isn’t uncommon, don’t lose your relationship in the process.

A lot of posters will go in on your other half but it’s important that his POV is considered too so please remember that all the advice and judgment is very one sided after anonymous people hearing only one side of things.

Good luck.

He sounds perfectly fine to me what he is doing. I would probably react the same way as he does if I had someone commenting on what I did. I think you are overthinking this and it is coming from a place of being at home with a baby. How do you think our mothers and grandmothers coped with larger families? Sit back, enjoy the baby, enjoy being at home, and thank your husband for what he does but don't do more than you have to. Earning more is not an entitlement over your spouse. Do what you need to to get by whilst baby is small and enjoy those days. They go too quickly.

I agree - discussing split if the workload is one thing. Saying “I won’t do anything then”. I wouldn’t even call it childish as most children I know wouldn’t say that.

@PrimalOwl10 what about her ability to care for her child safely? That's just a given isn't it. But more potential for danger there than most people's jobs. I despair of this bullshit.

Just wanted to send huge hugs OP. I had similar with my DH and couldn't cope with the atmosphere, so did pretty much everything. You need couples counselling now. Go see your GP today and if you can, talk to friends/family. You need and deserve support x

What on earth makes you think that he'll want to look after his child 3.5 days per week when he won't even put something in the microwave for 90 seconds?

I think all these PPs saying to divorce him are mad. Yes it’s unacceptable and YANBU but it’s early days and you say this is a recent change. Do you really want to set yourself up for a lifetime of 50/50 custody, sharing Christmas etc. I would speak to him honestly about how you feel, at a time when you are both calm. Think about what it is you’re asking from him and how you can explain how it’s making you feel without it turning into an argument. Think about what your boundaries are I.E were you fine with the drinking before but it’s him lying about it / not helping that’s not causing the issue. Consider counselling if talking by yourselves doesn’t work. But I really wouldn’t rush to contact a solicitor.

Some men really do do absolutely nothing which can make those who do a basic amount feel they’re getting a raw deal. We have friends who were beyond useless and once (only once) my DH compared himself to them. I hit the roof and (in my sleep deprived state) told him would it be okay to break someone’s arm because Dave murdered someone last week?!… not my finest hour but the point was made. We had rows in that adjustment period of the first year but never ever did he threatened to kick me out or leave me. I think that’s a massive red flag. Leave him.