Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

Again, whats the relevence of main earner here? It's all be fine if he was Mr Big Man bringing all the cash in? The couple are a team and should each pull their weight regardless of who earns what imo. SAHMs and those on low wage shouldn't be expected to put up and shut up just because the partner earns more.

Men like this are bullies . You are vulnerable and “need”him he is using this against you .
Also I bet he has felt inferior to you and now feels he’s some sort of god because you are needing of him . He’s also bored of parenting already .

My advice is don’t let ANYONE take the joy of your child away from you .
He is ment to behave your back .
Deep down he knows he’s being shit this is his issues.

He has shown you who he is .
Id leave before I’d be treated like this and before your son is 5 and he has ruined all the happy early years for you.

I’m glad that works for you but I absolutely disagree that the mother doing the lion share of the work is better for newborns. Your post is full of gendered stereotypes and assumptions. Why on earth aren’t men competent at taking care of vulnerable new born babies and need to wait until the baby is older? Baffling. Baby needs to bond with both caregivers and women running themselves into the ground and putting themselves at greater risk of PPD is not helpful or to be advised. My DH is fabulous with new borns and took excellent care of DC from the start, as he should. His masculinity proved no handicap. My DC have been settled from early on and I’m sure that is largely because both parents were present but equally able to get rest and re-charge.

If you earn 2 x his salary normally and have a fully paid mat leave he should be doing all the housework. Don't let him shirk it. If needed stop contributing to his expenses

No one tells you just how hard it is 💐

it’s a huge change for you both.
my DH and I were not dissimilar tbh. I had a lot of “I can’t do anything right” from him 🙄
Retrospectively I was a sleep deprived and he wasn’t having the easiest time of it from me either.

i don’t have the good answers but both of us found first time parenting a shock to the system and it took a year or so for normal service to resume and no 2 was still hard

as easy as it is to shout divorce I think it’s premature but i would also really push for couples counselling now

also get a cleaner if you can afford it as a joint expense.

if / when you go back to work it hasn’t resolved realistically you will need to stop doing his laundry and buy in ready made dinners or batch cook for yourself and baby which is what I resorted to. I hated it, He felt pushed out etc but it was the only way I could cope with being a primary carer and house manager AND social secretary with a high pressured job.

i would reiterate it is SO hard. We have 2 under 3 now (<2 years between them) I am now a bit more circumspect and know a lot of the “issues” will resolve simply if I wait (the kids get bigger)

I also think the training for a marathon is a joke with a newborn

What a load of 1950s misogynistic bollocks. He’s at work all day - he doesn’t facilitate OP napping, or doing anything else for herself during the day because he’s not bloody there !! He’s controlling and abusive when he is there and refusing to help at all because his loser mates told him he shouldn’t. It’s his child too, and on this evidence giving him a free pass now will mean he never steps up.

But @Wishingplenty he wouldn't even heat her lunch for her! That wasn't even for the baby!

And were you the main earner when you raised those kids?

There are some men who think maternity leave means their wife is now a housewife and like to play the Big I am, with the little woman at home, as if he's some incredible provider who has facilitated this...unfortunately even when their wife returns to work, this narrative persists.

This is coercive behaviour.

It is notable that it has started when you are vulnerable. The reason why it never happened before is because he has never been in a more powerful position than you. He is denying you any help as a means to control you. He thinks about how he can reinforce this with anecdotal evidence from his colleagues.

Your husband will go on to become more abusive as the demands of having young children render you more vulnerable. If you lose your job, or become ill, he will also weaponise this to his advantage. There is something fundamentally wrong with a person who does this and I think you need to examine the dynamic between you.

Like PP have said: You don't actually need him at all. You could play the same game: "do as I say, or I'll walk". You could just walk now, before he gets all the money you are paying for that mortgage. I do not think you are going to be happy or cared for in this marriage.

I think some men like the idea of separating and only seeing their child/having to do all the hard work every other weekend.

Is he maybe envious that 2, maybe 3 of his friends are going to be single and he’s trying to orchestrate that life too? I may be completely wrong and don’t want to upset you but just a thought.

I perhaps have a slightly different opinion. I strongly believe that newborns are more settled in the long run if mum does the Lion's share of the work, which does include all the night feeds.

That way someone has had a full night's sleep and yes unfortunately that is the man. Then he is able to help during the say refreshed and then in turn he allows you to nap throughout the day while the baby sleeps. This will work out better in the long run for everyone, because the newborn baby phase is the absolute shortest stage in a baby's life, and moving forward men then can slowly increase their involvement and become a more equal parent. Invest the time now and down the line everyone is happier and contented. I truly believe making men do the equal share from the start does everyone a disservice because newborns were never ment to be cared for in such a way, and if woman were honest men are far better at taking care of slightly older babies when they are less vulnerable and fragile. I am on baby number 3, and this is the route we have taken for all our children and although we have had our problems, we have never argued about feeding newborns etc or lack of sleep or chores because I have never expected that a man replace that special mother and baby bonding time.

Please leave him asap.He not going to get any better and you and the child will suffer for it.

Then stop doing anything for him and tell him it is over and that plans need to be made to separate

@MincePieFan88 Sorry to hear this, after your DH was being such an equal parent to begin with.

Two things to say:

Not pulling his weight around the home is a common occurrence. He should do his fair share, and actually a bit more while you’re breast feeding, because you’re immobile a lot of the day. In my experience, it often depends on how their own parents were. If his mother did nearly all the housework, he may slip into that learned behaviour subconsciously. You can only keep talking about this, including via counselling. Did he do his equal share before or just since the baby was born? Do you have different standards of what should be done when? Hopefully, you can work this out. It’s common to hit a bit of a wall at 12 weeks, when the novelty of a new baby starts to wear off and the reality of having a permanent house guest for the next 18 years kicks in.

Second point is more serious. He’s showing abusive behaviour. The silent treatment. Threatening not to help at all. Suggesting you expect too much compared to others. Gaslighting you in front of others by presenting himself as a martyr. Keep a close eye on this. When you hit problems, you should be able to maturely and calmly let him know how you feel and what you suggest would help. And he should be able to maturely respond by showing empathy and giving his own suggestions in order to find a solution you both think is reasonable and fair.

Set clear boundaries in the face of abusive behaviour. Call it out.

Who cares what the op is doing all day? Her DH is refusing to heat up her lunch while she breastfeeds her baby and is threatening to stop helping with anything baby related unless she gives him more respect and thanks. How on earth do you think that is OK?

“Thank your husband for what he does?” Lol. How’s life in the 1930s?

YANBU

The first year with a baby is fucking tough. My H was very hands on and even then I nearly told him to go fuck himself several times.

You sound pretty switched on so I’m sure you won’t be putting up with him and his shit for much longer! Xx

Well evidently it can be and is for many people.

This, sorry but his behaviour isn't acceptable

I could have written this myself...... although mine started during pregnancy when he had a tantrum about going to an NCT class one evening. I stupidly continued the relationship for a few more years.
Luckily he did something monumentally stupid just before DD was 5 which gave me the strength to leave the relationship.
During the last few years he'd regularly tell me I wouldn't be able to cope by myself, guess what..... 3 years on im doing great and I'm even in the early stages of a new relationship who I think may be Mr Right!

Oh do fuck off the 7% who clicked YWBU...🙄

He listens to a couple of bitter rejects who weren't up to scratch and prioritise themselves over their partner or family. So many men these days aren't up to the job and it's always women who have to take up the slack.
Then they wonder why their wives no longer want to sleep with them.
It's pathetic.

These are the sort of arseholes who when they are divorced get their mothers to look after the baby while they go to the gym/bike riding/play on their decks...

And before anyone starts I know NAMALT I'm married to one of the excellent fathers and husbands in the world, and I brought up two fantastic fathers and partners. Doubtless they have their faults but they manage not to be useless cunts to their DC and their DW. It's not a lot to ask is it?

I'd have to assume that the posters on here defending his shitness either are men or women with a very low bar of what is expected from a partner.

YADNBU OP.

I'd be asking him to leave for a few days so you can both have space.
Tell him you can manage without him. You're being treated like a single parent so you might as be one. At least you'd get some down time when he has the baby for his visits.
He's not bringing anything to the table other than disrespect OP.

Everything should be split evenly when you are both home. My husband and I have two kids. He makes double my salary but he has to do the school run and pick ups etc because I'm a teacher and he works from home. He also makes the dinner (& unloads the dishwasher, breakfast dishes etc) because he's working from home & has more time. When my two were babies we took it in turns to get up. When they got a bit older we both had a sleep in day at the weekend. It has to be equal because your child is equally your responsibility. We both have the same down time. If I go out one weekend with friends then he's perfectly entitled to go out with his (but we never take the piss and neither of us went out or did hobbies during those first six months). In my circle of friends and family, partners do their fair share. Though I should say my mum thinks my husband and BIL's are wonderful because they cook dinner and know how to use a washing machine.

Wise advice. 👍

Refusing to heat up her lunch in the microwave while she breastfeeds the baby is perfectly fine is it? Threatening to do absolutely nothing to help with the baby is also absolutely fine? Why does she need to thank her husband for what he does? It's his baby too. Should he be thanking the OP?

Your views would be outdated in the 1950s.