Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

Well I’d he telling him if he wants to do nothing then he can carry on and bugger off and be on his own because you’re not going to wipe his ass for him, you’ve already got one child and you don’t need another. He’s neither use nor ornament now is he? He’s just adding to the mess and making the atmosphere tense which the baby will feed from.

Don’t agree. OP is the major earner here and has fully funded her own maternity leave. She’s not dependent on him financially and provides him with a lifestyle he wouldn’t be able to afford on his own salary. And he’s still behaving like a twat. How is that not relevant ?

Absolutely it gives her options which she would not otherwise have. That is a huge positive for the OP. My point is that her earnings should not factor into his decision making re being a decent partner and parent.

What a fucking cunt your DH is. Make a stand now, or this is your life ever more. And yes, consider consulting a solicitor. And maybe leave and stay with your parents if you can.

Are you bottle feeding or breastfeeding, op? If the former, I'd be calling his bluff and suggesting shared leave so he gets a taste of what it's like to be a full time parent to a baby. I know it's likely not what you want, and you don't have to go through with it. But it might shock him into realising he doesn't actually do very much. Essentially, the novelty has worn off for him now he understands that raising a child is exactly that and he has years of this ahead. It's easy to play the great dad act when you're basking in the glory of a newborn, not so easy to sustain that beyond the newborn age.

On the assumption that you love him, value what he brings to your relationship, have something worth fighting for, I won't say LTB. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he could genuinely be struggling to adapt to the reaponsibilities of fatherhood, and that you are both likely suffering from a smidge of sleep deprivation (used by many countries as a form of torture!) I would suggest a proper conversation with him to calmly explain how you feel and give him the chance to open up about how he may be feeling. Communication between couples often goes out the window with a small baby that demands so much of you. You need to find a new balance now that it's no longer just the two of you. Do you have anyone who can look after the baby for a couple of hours while you both perhaps have a meal and a talk?

A bloke being an arse to his high earner wife doesn't mean it's OK for a high earning bloke to be an arse to his low earning or not earning at all wife.

Being an arse is wrong.

Hth.

Amazing how some women are prepared to facilitate it too. I’m gobsmacked at the number of posters who think that maternity leave is the same as SAHM. It’s not. And OP’s income is relevant here because her ML is fully funded.

@NamelessNancy the relevance of her being main earner is a) their household income will be massively impacted if she falls to bits (like they won't be able to pay the mortgage impacted) and b) if she wants to tell him to bugger off, she can.

How is that not relevant?

The implication, though, is that he'd have a valid point if the earnings were the other way round. He wouldn't so it's best not put out there.

Many women on low wages are made more vulnerable to twats like this by that sort of narrative.

Suggest couples counselling as a priority. Can anyone care for Your baby for an hour whilst you do it? Can you ask your Mum or a good friend or sibling? Some offer online sessions or home visits to make the logistics easier?

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/professional-body/BACP?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD6u42SjLklxBw9_h96lhj2PRx6G8&gclid=Cj0KCQiAi_G5BhDXARIsAN5SX7pNr0xKl6d3fxIk4Ce08zGmo5WjPOtSZdXZldGcTBhxRReL00Nik3saAgGIEALw_wcB

How embarrassing for him that he wants a SAH-wifey, but he's not able to secure a job that pays SAH-wifey money, so he needs you to be the breadwinner too 🙄

The hypocrisy here is outrageous. He wants a 1950s home, with a 1950s wife and mother, but he earns HALF the wage of his wife and he's home by 4pm every day, so not exactly worn out from work 🤷‍♀️

He believes that you should be 100% responsible and competent and his input should be below minimum and he grumbles about that.

Jesus Christ, this is so depressing that men of fatherhood age still act like this.

The relevance is that it may already be an issue for him. If his so called friends know about their earnings mismatch he may already have taken stick from them and now they’re ‘emasculating’ him further by taking the mickey out of the fact he helped out so much at home. There’s clearly enough of an issue for him to have changed his behaviour so dramatically, and I think it’s a toxic mix. He’s not ‘putting up and shutting up’, he’s refusing to help out with his own child. He also clearly isn’t bright enough to realise that if he pushes this far enough to cause the breakdown of the relationship, he’ll have to shoulder 50% of the responsibility alone and without the considerable resources OP provides.

time to add him to the list of his twatty mates going through a divorce.

He does sound like that to me. He’s out drinking every week, he’s signed up to a marathon and now he’s refusing to do anything. His life hasn’t changed in comparison to the OP. He sounds exactly like the classic MN lazy dad, validated by his shit mates who are also MN lazy dads. The bar is honestly so low for men it is depressing.

Probably because they have a partner who treats them as an equal. Not a subordinate with who you can withdraw your “help” the moment something is said you don’t agree with. He wants a certificate because he’s 10% less shit than his shit mates.

"He sounds like he does more than most men" is SUCH a cop out. Stop accepting the bare minimum just because it's a man!

Imagine if a woman decided to just stop doing everything with a newborn around.

What a bastard!

First useful post, this is a totally terrible time in terms of feeling like there's not any light at the end of the tunnel and what with winter coming everyone is going to feel terrible.
He's clearly gone in with good intentions but lost the spark of enthusiasm, and you aren't able to resolve it together.

I am old. Your post makes me really sad @MincePieFan88 I thought things had got better for women.

My advice is, sit him down, talk to him. Tell him as calmly as you can how his behaviour is making you feel. He will probably be defensive and hostile, but still give him a chance to change.

If he doesn't shape up, get out of the marriage.

Eta : just read @CinnamonJellyBeans post. It is bang on.

This

My ExH was like this. He never once did a night feed, even when I begged him. We had 2 under 2 years old. He was out shagging other women when I was at home with the babies. I left him eventually. Kids are now adults and worship the ground he walks on. Me, not so much.

Remember this, write it down and if you ever consider a second read it and do not do it. I just don't understand men like this. My dh was just as in love with our kids as I was and would race home to be with them as he missed them. They change so much in the early days he just didn't want to be away from them. I don't say this to make you feel like shit but just to share not all men are like this. We all have different boundaries and you are in the thick of it with a 12 week old baby. I'd be having a sit down chat where you both speak honestly and go from there. It's his attitude and overall thinking that needs a rehaul. He isn't helping you by changing a nappy, this child belongs to him too and it's just the bloody basics. Yes saying please snd thankyou as well as appreciating each other is normal in a healthy relationship, you don't need to wax lyrical about a father doing some parenting when you do it every single day. Work is not a get out clause as far as I'm concerned, when he's home he ought to step up as you are a team. If he agrees, counselling could help. Ultimately I'd ltb, you make twice as much money and have choices.

Oh well have it your way, but the fact remains babies are incapable of knowing what a stereotype is or what century we are living in. They are programmed by biological need which hasn't changed. Also in the real world I have met many women that have done the same as me and they are all happy.

Agree. The problem isn’t him caring for the baby. He does that. It’s the housework and his shocking behaviour.