Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

Youve just got past the honeymoon period when all the presents and congratulations stop and you get down to daily grind plus sleep deprivation.

I think most people go through a transformative process where you have to fully grow up, accept there's another person who takes precedence and you're not number one any more.

Pregnancy probably makes women undergo this sooner or more smoothly as you've already had your body taken over. Plus society trains women for selflessness.

It either takes men longer or they just don't get there, a la Homer Simpson.

He's basically being a spoiled baby but I wouldn't give up on the relationship right now when you're both exhausted. He might have it in him to develop emotionally and step up to the new role, in time.

Even a well-meaning, committed father might find it hard to actually adapt. If yours turns out not to be well meaning or committed then show him the door.

usual question from me. What does he bring to the party?

Do you have supportive family? Do you earn enough to support yourself as a single mum? If yes, leave now! He wont get any better. Do not be tempted to have any more kids with this prince of a man…My (usually very smart) friend ended up on her own with three kids as she convinced herself each time that he would be a better dad this time round. He wasn’t.

This.

I am currently divorcing a similar man. He believes because he isn't down the pub every night he should get a gold star. Because he's not beating me up, I should be happy. He would rather I didn't work. He wants a 1950's housewife. Things got worse when we had children, I was more vulnerable. He grew up looking at his parents marriage and thinks this is the way it should be.

I grew up believing I was second best as my mother was treated second best. My mother on telling her I was divorcing DH said, well he isn't beating you is he! FML, what an eye opener.

Luckily I am getting out. I won't let my daughter think this is acceptable. My mother's reaction has caused untold damage to our relationship.

OP nip this quickly. These aren't good signs. Leave this go on, he could get worse and ultimately you will look at him one day and go, what a twat and any respect and love is gone.

I really hope you are doing ok with your lovely new baby.

Physical violence is NOT the only type of abuse.

And someone who initially was 'good' and then changes knows exactly what he's doing.

I'd tell him quite clearly if he wants to be a deadbeat dad and partner like the bozos he admires so much at work, he can do it under a different roof.

You don't think what he's doing is abusive?

It's not her responsibility to try to sort out his abusive behaviour. Only he can do that.

It's still making a point.

You are talking nonsense. No one is ‘diagnosing’ anything - you do not need to be a mental health professional to gain access to and read guidance about couples counselling. Likewise what constitutes emotional abuse. I’ve not encouraged the OP and her OH to ‘part’, read my posts properly. You are in the minority here and thank god you are, you are incredibly ignorant about abuse and rather than educate yourself you are like a dog with a bone. It is very concerning you seem to want women to minimise abuse and stay in unhealthy relationships at such a vulnerable time post partum. The snapshot of information provided by the OP is enough to show the behaviour in question is abusive - any further information is not needed as it will not excuse it.

Have you missed the fact that the vast amount of posters are in agreement with what I’m saying? I won’t be engaging with you further.

He's a vile piece of shit, frankly.

And he knows exactly what he's doing.

I'm so sorry.

That info was not in the initial post!! I’m not arguing that she should stay - all I said was more information came out in subsequent posts… which is exactly what you’re now referring to.

If he's not even doing 1% why would he do 50% upon separation?

You can't give someone custody.

He is trying to act like an alpha when he's not even a beta.

Love this (and everything else Pinkpurpletulips said).
OP, send this moron packing back to his mum. You and your baby deserve better.

It really isn’t.

Most people telling the OP to leave have been in that position, we know he won’t change.

A man who gives his wife the silent treatment for being asked to heat up her lunch because she is FEEDING THEIR NEWBORN is not a good man. A man that refuses to help with HIS baby is not a good man. A man that goes out drinking leaving his wife alone with a newborn is not a good man. We see the patterns, we see the red flags and we know it doesn’t get better.

This is not a man who is trying his best, it’s not an exhausted man pulling his weight who needs a bit of grace.

Yes it will be hard to leave, but it’ll be harder to stay.

If you are what you say you are (and no proof of that) you should know that you can't diagnose anyone from a few anon posts on a forum. You should also not be encouraging a couple of part, when there is a 12 week old child involved, unless he was being physically violent and their lives were at risk.

You don't know anything about the OP other than what is here or her partner.

His behaviour doesn't sound great, but there are many people who 'sulk' after rows but who aren't exactly' abusive'. I despair TBH at how labels are so easily attributed to a range of behaviours that are s snapshot of someone's life and no full picture known.

And I don't need pacifying or educating, so maybe stop patronising . it's not doing you any favours for all your 'qualifications'.

I hope you’re ok op. I think you should possibly tell him to fuck off for a few days and think about whether he wants to be a parent or not

I think it’s very easy to say on an anonymous forum to just leave, don’t bother trying to work anything out, but much more difficult in real life with a small baby

Comparing himself to dads who do nothing like it’s a race to the bottom?! Fucking hell, he should be disgusted in those men not using them as a baseline.

He will never get better, I would be taking steps to leave. You and your child deserve so much better, there is no benefit to being in a relationship with him.

Has it? It was clear to me from the OP that he's abusive.

I had a somewhat similar experience with my partner when we had our first. I felt like he was leaving everything to me and expecting a pat on the back, he felt like I was being controlling about how things with our daughter were done and that I didn’t trust him. I think with hindsight we were both just exhausted and we weren’t giving each other a bit of grace (note I say both of us). We had some discussions about it, we both made changes to our behaviour and I feel like it’s all worked out well.

At the moment you are most likely both very tired and stressed out. Whether you recognise it or not you’ve probably been fairly short with each other. If he’s saying you think he does everything wrong he could just be gaslighting you and trying to get out of doing anything. It could also be that you have been constantly trying to offer benefit of your experience on how to do certain things while sounding irritated or short and that he’s very much hearing as constant criticism/lack of trust. Only you really have any idea if the second is a feasible option.

If so think you need to make it clear you feel hurt, angry, overwhelmed & whatever else and you think maybe OH is also having some of those feelings. Explain you want to look together at how you can resolve the issues making you feel that way and work as a better team moving forward because this is a really busy and tiring phase of life and you need each others support.

It’s definitely worth sitting down with something like Fair Play as a help and discussing what household/family tasks you have and what would be a fair division AND what free time you have and what would be fair in terms of how that’s used. Try not to get into unfairness of what’s happening now and focus on how the future should look. If the way things are now are the barrier to getting to the desired future state that will become apparent very quickly. So, for example, if in the week there is really only the opportunity to free up a couple of hours a day for leisure on average then it would clearly be unfair if he both uses one of those each day for his marathon training and then uses another 3/4 going out one evening a week. It would also be very clear that to facilitate you getting your time he needs to give up some of his.

I hope it turns out this is just a blip with you both being tired and ratty with each other and you are able to resolve it. If it’s not that and your OH is totally unwilling to make changes then you need to think about whether you are prepared to continue as you are or if you’d be happier going it alone.

It will only get worse.
start gathering financial papers etc and if by the summer you aren’t happy and he isn’t being the parent and partner you hoped for leave him
dont have another child with him.

I think lots more info has come out in comments that changes the narrative quite a bit!

If you can afford to leave him leave. He won’t change. Hire a home help / nanny and be properly supported.

Completely agree. I'm baffled as to why people are suggesting it.

His behaviour is awful and I suspect it's part of a longer term plan to wear OP down into submission.