Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

Yep, cognitive dissonance at its finest. My DH loves me and is a great father and yet he treats me like a servant and doesn't want to help me with the baby when I'm clearly struggling. They can only the square the circle by gas lighting other women to believe that this is completely normal and acceptable.

I have a husband that willingly does his fair share and is a truly involved father. Men like this exist! Don't be fooled into thinking there is no alternative other than these useless, selfish children that are masquerading as men.

Oh you're not missing an opportunity for another dig, are you?

You've not even bothered to read my post properly.

FWIW some of your posts are offensive and personal attacks, considering you are a supposed professional in your work. You can't bear anyone disagreeing with you so it seems and have to make it personal.

And FWIW your posts about the signs of abusive relationships aren't borne out in real life. I have close friends in marriages that according to you had signs of 'abuse' and yet funnily enough, they had couples' counselling at the Tavistock, so maybe all those psychs and counsellors were wrong (in your opinion.)

I wanted to become a bit of that misogynist prick, until I read you make twice his salary.
You really don't need him in your life, at your home and to "help" raising his child.

This poster has concerning beliefs around acceptable behaviour in relationships and very low standards for men. Any attempts to reason with her or present a different viewpoint will likely be ignored.

If she does that she does 100% of childcare and he does none for that period. That arrangement is only beneficial to him

He will also fall even less out of the routine of pulling his weight and potentially genuinely lose confidence with soothing the baby etc.

It’s because they can’t face how unequal their own life journeys have been, so they double down on it rather than confront the depressing reality of how much shit they’ve tolerated over the years.

So you earn two times his salary, are on fully paid maternity leave and trying to care for a 12 week old pretty much alone? I think I might shout that at him.

The only reason I was Mary bloody Poppins was that I earned hardly anything and was going to be a SAHM and OH was on a six figure salary and paying every bill. I didn’t mind going all the hight feeds and still doing the chores as he was getting up and working every day.

in your position I would be raging.

You've missed out half my post or at least misunderstood. I said in comparison with my circumstances where my H wasn't home till 7pm, along with many other mums whose partners work long hours. Not all new mums have a partner who works short hours. Of course he should cook if he's home by mid afternoon.
My standards are very high thank you. My DH is wonderful and our children are adults.

It never ceases to amaze me just how low the bar is for some women on MN. I mean Mariana Trench low.
They may think they're the defenders of men but it's actually hideiously insulting to have such low expectations of another adult.

No joke, for sure. The dude can’t pay a bill, is out drinking with his buddies and training for a marathon, and threatening his wife not to lift a finger when she has a newborn. If I were she, I’d see if my job let me have a transfer back to the Uk, leave, get a nanny, go back to work, and file for divorce. Go for sole custody on the basis of emotional abuse.

The silent treatment is grounds for divorce op...

Good morning Mr Tate.

If it's 'lucky' to have a husband that will willingly cook dinner after a short office shift when the wife has been home caring for and breastfeeding a baby all day then my god I'm glad I'm a lesbian. Get some higher standards for goodness sake!

He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long).

You are incredibly lucky to have a H who does a full day's work (presumably) and comes home to cook dinner. I think you said he was home just after 4pm?

I'm not saying 'woe was me' but my H was home at 7pm every day for years and I cooked dinner every day when he was working. And managed 2 young DCs including a baby.

So what if clearing up takes ages? Does he clear up or are you complaining he makes a mess and then leaves it to you to clear up?

You cannot expect to keep to the same standards with meals, housework etc when you have a 3 month old baby.

You've posted some things that make me feel sympathetic towards you but also some where you may appear to be a bit unappreciative.
He probably doesn't appreciate how exhausting it is to give birth and how you feel now. This is all about how you communicate with each other.

There is a saying that the biggest challenge with a newborn is getting through the first year without getting divorced. There's a lot of truth in that.

I once read that if your partner expects you to do everything for the house & baby whilst you're on maternity leave then you're less likely to get the balance back when you do go back to work.
Now is the time to pull him up on it if you need more support.
My husband definitely also went a bit big headed when he realised he was doing more than other male partners that we know.
But I just politely explained to him that I wouldn't want to be with those men, and I know he doesn't want to be with their wives either! So if he loves me and wants to be with me, then he needs to keep supporting me and helping to raise OUR child.
The first year is so so tough, on you both and your relationship, but he doesn't get to just do the bare minimum because others are doing even less than that!
Being at home all day with a baby is exhausting and its not always easy to fit in chores around that. So you can't do it all alone without losing your mind.

If you leave him are you going to end up stuck living it that country?

I burst out laughing upon reading this, funniest thing I’ve read on MN today!

He's probably gone and spoken to his mates and they've said why are you doing all of that it's the "womens" job.

I wouldn't be lifting a finger for the prick from now on.

😂😂😂

@OneBlackHeart encourage your DD to focus on her career. Money certainly doesn't solve all issues but it certainly helps the power balance in a relationship if it's more equally distributed and gives options.

Congratulations on trying to break the cycle. Not easy!

He sounds like he feels unappreciated. Have you told him how great he's been in tge first few months and how much you appreciate this?

You have a newborn baby. It's hard. I doubt either of you are covering yourselves in glory. Don't listen to the daft people who think you should leave him. That's idiotic. Just try to communicate and get through this tough time for both of you.

Explain to him that if you’re on your own then so is he.

• equal payments on the house and bills starting today
• dont cook his dinner
• dont wash his clothes
• book nice days out with the baby that doesn’t include him

you get the picture! After a week he’ll see life on your own is pretty miserable and his only choice is to pitch in or leave. It’s that simple!

Is there any relevance in the fact you aren't in the UK?

I'm only asking as there can be cultural differences in marriages and how some men see ' women's work'.

TBH many women 'do it all' if their partners are out at work, although it would be different if you're talking about weekends.

I had 2 DCs under 2 and DH out all day from 8am-7pm. No family nearby.
But when he was around he was great.

The striking thing here is that you aren't in this as a couple.
He wants to carry on his life as if there wasn't a baby.

This begs the question of was the baby planned? Did he want a child?
How was he before the baby arrived?
Is his behaviour now a complete personality change (or did you ignore read flags before?)
Did you lay out your expectations? (ie I don't want you going out drinking every weekend - or whatever he does- once the baby is here as I need you 100% on board in the first few months.)

In terms of the house insurance and utility bills- as a couple one (or both of you )needs to take responsibility. Who did it before?
Use your phones or some device to set reminders to pay your bills.

Don't allow him to sulk.
Tell him you want to talk.
I appreciate you're exhausted but he needs calling to account and told he has to change his ways.

Could have written this too. It feels like good men enjoy being part of their new family unit, then somehow society tells them they're "so awesome for doing anything" and they become self-congratulatory whilst dialing back what they do. The first month with our newborn was great. 9 years in and he tells anyone who will listen how great he is at being a dad and is loved by the whole community, whilst leaving all the difficult bits of parenting to me. I don't have a magic solution but I do think you have more power here, because his life would change for the worse without you.