Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

@daddydog

Who does more or less is subjective, and those first few months, it's hard to see anything straight. Whoever had the baby would end up with a bit of tunnel vision
I always wished there was a camera crew following us for that first 3 months because both of us would have realised how skewed our perspectives were and how we supported each other to get through it.

You will be thrilled ot hear that there have been multiple studies doing this kind of observation and matching it against self reporting from both partners.

Consistently the results they find is men massively overestimate their contribution but also that women also overestimate the man's contribution (just to a lessor degree). Typically where the man self reports 50% the observations record significantly less than 50%.

This is also consistent with other observational studies across all ages and roles. eg most teachers will have been told about the observational studies in classrooms where teachers and children report boys and girls getting equal attention but the observations consistently show boys getting disproportionately more attention.

This is so normalised in society that when I hear couples saying "we shared housework/childcare equally" I automatically think "maybe but..."

It's just very different. We do want kids but we maybe we don't have the same biological yearning? If it happens, amazing and if it doesn't, It doesn't. My partner would say that every inch of her being yearned for a baby. To raise kids and be the best mom ever. She put so much stock into it, she became convinced that even before we tried it, she would be infertile. So many tears, so many arguments and fears about a scenario that had not even happened. On our very first attempt, boom - pregnant! She then had 9 months of building an incredible bond with our baby that I didn't. Even when I felt the baby kick I was worried at why I didn't feel anything tingle inside me.

However, the very moment our 1st daughter was born, some genetic memory instantly activated. I realised that was my purpose in life was always this beautiful little soul. Where as for my partner it was the reverse. This wonderful dream she had was suddenly shattered with the stark reality of a nightmare baby (just clueless parents). She said on reflection it took her a long time to identify and process those conflicting emotions. She said it was like mourning the passing of who she was before and dealing with the uncertainty of not knowing who would emerge. All of which manifested itself during this period in statements like 'you do nothing! '. She's the best mom ever but lives with so much mom guilt that she isn't. Which is why it can never be 50/50 as a man, I don't feel that.

Well done OP, it sounds like you addressed things in a very clear manner and firm boundaries are now in place - he knows what the expectations are. Don’t accept less (I don’t think you will). Always be prepared to walk away and have an exit plan. I do hope this chat has been a boot up his backside and he is willing to step up and stop the ridiculous man child behaviour. It is not what you and your baby need. You absolutely must prioritise your wellbeing. Take care OP.

Plenty of women threaten to do nothing anymore and get celebrated for it.

Threaten to do nothing for their grown, adult, lazy husbands. Not their tiny new babies and post-partum wives.

Wither he is working or not he should be doing 50/50 in my opinion. He will need to when you go back to work and looking after a baby IS full time. Since he has already started doing less it will probably continue or get worse. If he’s going to threaten to do nothing, me personally would already have his bag packed n told him to fuck off

@MincePieFan88 You're a better woman than I was and am. Don't forget that to be the best mum you can be, you really do need to look after yourself.

Be proud of your talk with him and of yourself. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

Having done 90% of everything in the family, relationship, and household for 90% of the time, while watching the man maintain a social life, complete with an entire weekend day away every week to participate in his sport.

OP's husband has scraped through the first three months and is now living not just as though there is no baby to be responsible for but even as though he is a single man.

Yeah, those women have been doing everything and are at the end of their tether. Not one single one of them is out drinking every week with childcare on tap 24/7 and also Training. For. A. Marathon.

id love to see an actually reasonable gender swap example here one day instead of all these utter bullshit comparisons of apples and brutalist period apartment buildings.

Plenty of women threaten to do nothing anymore and get celebrated for it.

You both need to sit down when you are calm and talk it through.

You would be amazed at the number of men who seem keen on having a family but tire easily of it once the novelty has worn off- many simply see it as'womans work' with them on back up for fun day trips etc and they don't expect their lives to change one bit - I appreciate there are some men not like this at all but sadly I think they are in the minority . The big difference is some women say 'sod this' and split up along the line whereas others put up with it for years and years - and some women it seems genuinely don't give a shit being essentially a single parent if it means they get regular money in , holidays and a decent home- I'm now 62 and can count on one hand the number of blokes I know who have been both an involved parent and a true partner when it comes to domestic stuff - not just the bits they enjoy

The trouble is that most men don't really want babies. Most of them just go along with it because it's the done thing and they'll look like monsters if they say no. The ones who do actually proclaim their desire for kids have mostly failed to grasp the reality. Namely that they are no longer the centre of attention (which most men expect to be) and worse still, they can't enjoy a quasi singleton lifestyle any more. Men will never want babies as much, or in the same way, as women do.

It's the first 12 weeks. It's a massive life changing experience and without sleep and learning how to take care of a tiny human, perspectives on both sides become a bit skewed. As a man, even though I did everything I possibly could it will never be 50% because I didn't carry of give birth and have to go through then feeling of running 5 marathons and the emotional, hormonal and mental stain that came with it for weeks after. However, it's unfair to say that i didn't feel some of the above because I was right there, 24/7 - it was just a different but still valid experience.

And during those early days, both of us running on no sleep, the 'you don't do anything' was repeatedly thrown In my face. I knew (or believed) that I was pulling my weight and would keep reminding myself it was just the stress of the situation. There were times when I too got frustrated and would snap back or sulk. Dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. I felt so lonely, especially as I didn't have anyone to relate to as no other dad I knew did as much. They couldn't comprehend my situation. It's how I ended up on Mumsnet. Our baby's first word was dada (obviously as it's easier) and yet she calls me 'momma' 😂

Who does more or less is subjective, and those first few months, it's hard to see anything straight. Whoever had the baby would end up with a bit of tunnel vision.

I always wished there was a camera crew following us for that first 3 months because both of us would have realised how skewed our perspectives were and how we supported each other to get through it.

It was later when she came back from a girls weekend and sharing baby war stories that she realised how radically different her experience was vs her friends. Their partners are certainly not useless but the penny dropped that I had really tried my hardest.

Tell him he’s not ‘helping’, these are his responsibilities as a husband and father. He isn’t doing you some kind of favour. If he still doesn’t step up then I would resort to things like not washing his clothes/not making his dinner/not tidying away his things/don’t make any appointments for him eg dentist.

Basically, anything at all that you’ve been doing for him should stop RIGHT NOW. Just sort out yourself and the baby. If you’ve got a personal account and you pay for things like Netflix/Disney plus then log him out and watch it when he’s out or, if he’s in, watch it on your phone with headphones.

Make life as uncomfortable as possible for him until he gets the message that you’re a team and he needs to step up.

This is crazy.
If he fucks off, at least the OP wouldn't have the burden of him.
What does he actually do to make your life (and the one of his kid) better?

He has a new baby and a wife that cares for the baby and pays the bills, he goes out drinking weekly and is marathon training. If he is feeling unappreciated on top of all this then he is too incredibly stupid to tie his shoes.

I agree with this but also I wouldn't even bother inviting him to explain what he is good for in the household because he would likely only do what he's already done, which is to sing his own praises about his efforts as a new dad in comparison to his friends, therefore OP should feel lucky that he "helps" at all.

I think OP should just divorce him, save herself a boring and frustrating conversation and just cut to the chase. The only worry I'd have is that she might be worse off financially, but that is better than being tied to that dead weight for the rest of her life.

And what about him telling her how great she's been in the first few months and how much he appreciates it?

That she's been taking care of a baby, paying all the bills, been doing all the life work, which gives him the ability to go out drinking and train for a marathon?

Why is it the menz who should need to have their fragile egos pandered to while the women get on with it without any acknowledgment and indeed are taken completely for granted?

Has he said the same to her?

Just compare what each of them has done/achieved

He can get lost

What a ridiculous post

The only person making personal attacks and spouting unhelpful, uneducated and potential dangerous advice here is you. Why don’t you have a go at responding to other posters who have also called out your ridiculous nonsense.

@Haroldwilson You have a low bar

So your DH was a great father for a few months when everything was a novelty and he was getting praised and now cba! He is telling you X and Y don’t help with baby, it’s perfectly normal and your expectations are set way too high by naming lazy b*stards to strengthen his argument that your in the wrong! He is happy to train for a marathon but god forbid he has to put himself out for his wife or baby.
He is showing you very early on after baby was born that he won’t be supportive nor a hands on dad and will be pursuing his own interests and you are expected to toe the line else you are given the silent treatment/ argument.
You and your baby are worth more than the few crumbs he is begrudgingly giving, your effectively a single parent whether he lives with you or not so go to your mums as he is a man child who won’t change.

@MincePieFan88 When I was a child I complained to my mum that I didn’t get pocket money/paid for doing household chores and that it was unfair. She looked me in the eye and said we all live here, we are all part of the household and we all pitch in. No one gets paid for that. I then piped up with: ‘ but all my friends get paid for chores.’ And this was a new discovery for me after friends talked about how much pocket money they got for the chores they did at lunchtime at school that day. She replied: I am not their mother and they don’t live here. If they did live here I would not be paying them for chores. Do I get paid for housework? Me: ‘No.’ Mum: ‘Then why should you?’ She added that this was our home and we all pitch in to look after it.’

Fair point. And she was right. Explain to your husband that it doesn’t matter what these other men do or not do in their own homes. You don’t live with them. This is your shared home. He lives there too, he is part of the household and everyone pitches in with chores, bills, parenting, and maintaining the family home.