Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

Agree. My own husband became a completely different person after baby. My LO is almost 1 year old now and he hasn't done any mornings in the last few months. He was up in his room for TWO WHOLE DAYS saying he needed a quiet moment.

He's also become aggressive and punching walls. The trouble is I'm financially stuck. It would be so much easier if women had access to the money, think we would all just leave

Agree. My own husband became a completely different person after baby. My LO is almost 1 year old now and he hasn't done any mornings in the last few months. He was up in his room for TWO WHOLE DAYS saying he needed a quiet moment.

He's also become aggressive and punching walls. The trouble is I'm financially stuck. It would be so much easier if women had access to the money, think we would all just leave

The second thread in five minutes I've read involving a man being an absolute waste of space. I really don't know what to do with the anger it brings up inside me. What do they think women are, second class citizens who just automatically do everything childcare and housework, who they can deign to help if they're feeling generous? I just can't get my head around it and it makes me sad, actually, that they have such a disconnect in their minds around how they (by they I mean men like this - I know some men are fine) treat the women in their life, and the effect it has on them. It's cruel. It's just cruel.

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

It's the first 12 weeks. It's a massive life changing experience and without sleep and learning how to take care of a tiny human, perspectives on both sides become a bit skewed. As a man, even though I did everything I possibly could it will never be 50% because I didn't carry of give birth and have to go through then feeling of running 5 marathons and the emotional, hormonal and mental stain that came with it for weeks after. However, it's unfair to say that i didn't feel some of the above because I was right there, 24/7 - it was just a different but still valid experience.

And during those early days, both of us running on no sleep, the 'you don't do anything' was repeatedly thrown In my face. I knew (or believed) that I was pulling my weight and would keep reminding myself it was just the stress of the situation. There were times when I too got frustrated and would snap back or sulk. Dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. I felt so lonely, especially as I didn't have anyone to relate to as no other dad I knew did as much. They couldn't comprehend my situation. It's how I ended up on Mumsnet. Our baby's first word was dada (obviously as it's easier) and yet she calls me 'momma' 😂

Who does more or less is subjective, and those first few months, it's hard to see anything straight. Whoever had the baby would end up with a bit of tunnel vision.

I always wished there was a camera crew following us for that first 3 months because both of us would have realised how skewed our perspectives were and how we supported each other to get through it.

It was later when she came back from a girls weekend and sharing baby war stories that she realised how radically different her experience was vs her friends. Their partners are certainly not useless but the penny dropped that I had really tried my hardest.

If it's 'lucky' to have a husband that will willingly cook dinner after a short office shift when the wife has been home caring for and breastfeeding a baby all day then my god I'm glad I'm a lesbian. Get some higher standards for goodness sake!

He sounds like he feels unappreciated. Have you told him how great he's been in tge first few months and how much you appreciate this?

Totally. And just to add to it, she was born to a 13 year old, adopted as a 6 week old baby to her wonderful mom who couldn't have kids. Her Baby shower was hosted in the Hospice as her mum died of cancer 5 weeks before our baby was born. A lot of expectations which I was unable to manage due to circumstances :(

Oh my goodness that's sad, your poor poor wife. I hope she's doing very well now.

He sounds like he feels unappreciated. Have you told him how great he's been in tge first few months and how much you appreciate this?

Good grief I haven’t time to read the ft but people telling you to leave him are imo wrong. You presumably loved him enough to marry him and have a child with him. The issues you are having are weeks old. You write as though everything is bad about him but good about you. Unsurprisingly, You are probably overtired and emotional. He might not be doing what you want him to do or perhaps he should be doing. Is he a nice person? A kind person? You need time together without the baby as soon as possible and to be able to talk to each other and have a brief spell of baby free fun. New dads often feel pushed out by new babies and the intense relationship that mums and new babies have. Think of three of his good points as a starter perhaps.

Oh well have it your way, but the fact remains babies are incapable of knowing what a stereotype is or what century we are living in. They are programmed by biological need which hasn't changed. Also in the real world I have met many women that have done the same as me and they are all happy.

@Daddydog bloody hell no wonder your wife struggled, she completely set herself up for disappointment with those massively unrealistic, rose-tinted expectations!

If you are what you say you are (and no proof of that) you should know that you can't diagnose anyone from a few anon posts on a forum. You should also not be encouraging a couple of part, when there is a 12 week old child involved, unless he was being physically violent and their lives were at risk.

You don't know anything about the OP other than what is here or her partner.

His behaviour doesn't sound great, but there are many people who 'sulk' after rows but who aren't exactly' abusive'. I despair TBH at how labels are so easily attributed to a range of behaviours that are s snapshot of someone's life and no full picture known.

And I don't need pacifying or educating, so maybe stop patronising . it's not doing you any favours for all your 'qualifications'.

@daddydog

Who does more or less is subjective, and those first few months, it's hard to see anything straight. Whoever had the baby would end up with a bit of tunnel vision
I always wished there was a camera crew following us for that first 3 months because both of us would have realised how skewed our perspectives were and how we supported each other to get through it.

You will be thrilled ot hear that there have been multiple studies doing this kind of observation and matching it against self reporting from both partners.

Consistently the results they find is men massively overestimate their contribution but also that women also overestimate the man's contribution (just to a lessor degree). Typically where the man self reports 50% the observations record significantly less than 50%.

This is also consistent with other observational studies across all ages and roles. eg most teachers will have been told about the observational studies in classrooms where teachers and children report boys and girls getting equal attention but the observations consistently show boys getting disproportionately more attention.

This is so normalised in society that when I hear couples saying "we shared housework/childcare equally" I automatically think "maybe but..."