For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones.

What’s to double-check?

OP said there are five of them in the friendship group. That’s not the same as the groom only having five friends 🙄🙄

Well, why doesn't your husband just call and say, "Thanks for the invitation, but I just wanted to double-check - Mary's not invited?"

his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones.

If you mean that literally - “no plus ones” plural - it sounds like it’s an across the board decision, rather than you being singled out in any way.

I wouldn’t have minded if I’d only been with my husband for a year or so, or that DH hadn’t been friends with him for a long time, at that point I wouldn’t have even thought I would get an invite

There was a similar thread to this recently, although from the point of view of the invited person rather than the uninvited spouse. She was saying the same - “It’s not as if we’ve only been together a few months!”

I'll say to you what I said to them. It’s all very well thinking your partner (or you in this case) is different from all the other partners; more of a friend in their/your own right. What you have to consider is that saying one partner can come is opening the floodgates. If you can come because you’re married, which means inviting all the spouses, does that mean they have to invite partners who are “only” engaged too? Do long-term live-in partners then count too? And if Bob has been with his partner for five years and they’re not married, but Steve is married but only for a year, do they both have equal rights when it comes to their plus one?

I think you need to accept that they’ve chosen not to invite partners and not take it personally.

Personally I think it is kind of rubbish that you aren't invited. You are a couple and I would always invite whole couples to a wedding, even if I don't know the other half, because it's not nice to go to a wedding alone and your partner can't come.

Infact you got married nearly 6 years ago covid was only 4 and a half years sorry not really an excuse you didn't want wedding fine .but you did you. they are doing them

It’s fascinating how some people get everything backwards.

An invitation is a request of your guests. It’s entitled to think you can offend and disrespect them. They are doing you a favour by showing up, you are not doing them a favour by getting married.

If money is the issue this couple are clearly after a wedding they can’t afford.

Not inviting someone's spouse is massively divisive and the invitation should be declined. He's obviously not much of a "brother".

It’s quite staggeringly rude and in your DH’s place I wouldn’t go.

I thought it was still pretty standard to invite married partners, unless perhaps it’s work colleagues who are just invited for the evening.

I think it’s really harsh. I would have cut couples before I would ever have asked someone in a long term relationship to come alone

This may be part of the reason, if they were to invite you, other members of the friend group may be annoyed that their partners aren't also invited (or their partners may be annoyed at you causing bad feeling), so you may be an accidental casualty of them saying 'no partners of friends', plus it makes it cheaper for them, and the guys get to hang out as a group at the wedding, there would also be no politics about 'so and so not being together long enough to warrant an invite etc'.

It must hurt a little though, you should tell your DH how you feel about it, but with no laying of guilt or obligation for him to do anything about it, why should you have to hide how you feel from him? You can tell him you feel a bit disappointed and still want him to go and enjoy himself, one doesn't cancel the other out.

Behave yourself. Peoples entitlement to be included in weddings of people they barely know or have spent time with is exactly what you’re moaning about here. The world isn’t going down the pan because a person that met the wedding party twice isn’t included in the breakfast.

So you didn’t. What you meant to do doesn’t really matter if it never happened. How much effort do you make with these friends? It’s telling they’re still DH’s friends after being together so long. My partners friends are mine now and vice versa because we both make an effort with them.

Inviting a married person without their spouse to a wedding is the height of rudeness imo. "Come and celebrate my union with my person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but leave your person at home please because we dgaf about your union." In your husband's shoes I'd be dropping the insulting invite straight into the recycling, but it's his choice!

Me and DP have been together for nearly a few decades. Fifteen years in, one of his uni mates was getting married. I’d met him a few times over the years, wasn’t my cup of tea as he was a womaniser and serial cheat, but he wasn’t my problem, so I was always friendly with him. Anyhoo, wedding was at the opposite end of the country and DP was invited, but I wasn’t. I was a bit miffed as we’d been together a long time (longest relationship out of the friendship group) and had lived together for a decade at this point.

DP didn’t go to the wedding, not out of protest that I wasn’t invited, but because he’s generally lazy and would rely on me to force him to attend his friends wedding, book accommodation, drive us there etc.

One of his colleagues got married few years back, I’d met the bride and groom a couple of times beforehand, but we were both invited to the wedding, so we went to that - yes I forced DP as I knew once he got there he’d enjoy it, and he did 😂

If we get round to getting hitched, we’ve said we’d invite friends long terms partners. it’s just respectful their relationship. Yea weddings are expensive, but we’d budget accordingly, or at the very least invite them to the evening reception etc.

I think you're disappointed because you were looking forward to going. That's fine.

I think they have invited this group of the groom's friends without their partners because some of them are in much newer relationships and it would have been more difficult to give some a plus one and not all. It shouldn't affect your socialising with them in the future.

You’re deffo not over-reacting. I understand it’s a shock if you were under the impression you were invited and looking forward to it.

Possibly they don’t want the expense of inviting the OH’s of the group of friends because they haven’t been together so long, so don’t know them so well. But to avoid any upset, they haven’t invited any OH’s, including you. But, does seem a little unfair when you’re married and have known them years.

Or maybe your DH offered to go alone, to spend the day with the group of friends, or because he thinks one of you would have to stay with your DC?

You’re right to use the time to enjoy yourself.

I'd have to wonder how many people they are inviting that they can't include you. He has 5 friends, so 10 with partners. So assume 10 from her side. Then 15 each family, there's still up to 10 spaces for a party of 60.

Perhaps you havent been invited to ensure you are the childcare?

Newly engaged myself, and will be having the type of wedding you had. Registry office, my dad and sister will be my only guests, and partners guests will be his son, his dad, his mum, and maybe his 2 half siblings whom he isn't close to. Wouldn't mind his sisters partner and their 3 kids attending also. Neither of our dads have partners, my mum passed 15 years ago. His brother is a casual hook up guy not a relationship type, my sister is single and not interested in dating.

The only person who will absolutely not be getting an invite is MIL's husband. They've been married for over 11 years, but both me and partner cannot stand him. He's been arrested in the past for assaulting my partner, and it almost ended their marriage. The only reason she stayed was because she was pushing 60, has major health issues and couldn't afford to split and start again alone. He loves her, but honestly i don't think she even really likes him, it is an affectionless relationship. I don't care if it is the "done" thing, or thought of as rude for not inviting a long term spouse, especially as the only excluded spouse, he will absolutely NOT be there.

I don't think its a given that all long term partners/spouses should get an invite, especially if its a numbers/budget reason to keep the guestlist small. Imo all attendees should actually have a meaningful relationship with the marrying couple, and not just be there for the sake of politeness as a plus one to an actual close friend or family member.

This and as such I’d question my husband’s wish to attend.

what about the other friends‘ wives?

I don't know... Personally, I'd rather have a low-key wedding and leave no-one out than not invite spouses of best friends. But then again, I don't really 'get' the modern trend of not inviting children, either, so I'm old-fashioned. To me, the best wedding is a warm and inclusive 'the more the merrier' event, not an expensive attempt at elegant perfection (which is usually doomed to fail, anyway).

Anyway, I'd do as a PP suggested and not bother much with this couple. Leave any future gifts and communication entirely to him, as they are clearly his friends and his friends only.

This. They are very crass and thoughtless. So, quite frankly, is your husband for even considering to attend. He should send his regrets and a pleasant card of well-wishes.

I've seen this more recently OP if it helps! I still find it unusual as I live in Ireland where guests typically put money in a card to cover the meal and a gift to the newlyweds. Yet it still might come down to costs, in the excited wedding prep stage they may have had another venue in mind to suit a larger crowd but it ended up being too expensive. I'd chalk it down to that and try squirrel away some money for a night away with your husband.

YANBU for what it's worth, I can't imagine rescinding a save the date I think that is so rude! But don't take it personally. I'm sure you're one of many partners by the sounds of it!

Just let it go.