For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

You seem really hyper-focused on the idea that this is all because of OP's husband's conniving. It's a huge and weird leap. No indication of it, no evidence of it, nothing to suggest their marriage isn't fine. Why the need to create suspicion out of nothing?

Of course it bloody isn't, I didn't say that. I gave an example of how numbers might shake out. To be clear, I also don't know that they have 15 family members apiece or that they all have partners or that they have 60 spaces and 10 left over. But thanks for the rude 🙄🙄 emoji to accompany your complete literal interpretation despite me using words like "assume" in the broader comment.

When you said we got the save the date what did it actually say?

This was my thought too - I think it’s really rude. But it sounds from other posters as though times have changed a bit and this is more of a thing these days. But it seems odd
to me to have a wedding, which is basically the most public announcement of “we are a firmly established couple” and then not respecting that your friends are also part of a couple. But it is what it is. I’d just disengage, plan my own thing and let my DH go with good grace. But I wouldn’t be treating the groom like my brother in law from now on, just as a “DH friend”.

How does your husband feel about not being a groomsman for the man he regards as his brother?

If the wedding is too small for them to be inviting partners, it may be too small for groomsmen and a half-dozen bridesmaids.

What happened to taking your budget, working out who you wanted to invite and picking your venue accordingly?

But it sounds like that’s exactly what they have done…

I had a rather sad conversation with a friend recently who said that she turned down many invitations when she was with her now ex, because his standard pattern at such events was to get very drunk, potentially embarress them both at the wedding and then be abusive towards her when they were alone.

She would have quite liked to have been invited without her spouse, but all her invitees were unfortunately of your way of thinking and wouldn't dream of it. (And she was too ashamed at this point to tell them why she wanted to come alone).

Completely ridiculous and rude not to invite you, If it's a cost thing, FFS they should save and do the wedding when they can actually afford to do it properly. I can't stand such stinginess!

So why has DH not asked why you are not invited?

My guess is that the groom sees DH as one of his group of friends and he's invited his group of friends to the wedding. Despite all the people on here saying it's terribly rude not to invite both halves of a couple, inviting friends' groups without partners has been common at recent weddings I've been to. I would also say that, in at least some cases, the friends group wanted it that way (which might be why DH is not forthcoming about a reason).

If they addressed the save the dates to you both that is rude. Otherwise, no it's not - cost is a huge issue, and even if DH is very close to the couple, if you're not also it makes sense they'd prioritise closer friends than family. I wouldn't want a wedding where half the guests were partners I hardly knew.

Honestly if one of our guests had alluded to us they'd rather be invited without their spouse I'd have said no, we're inviting both of you or neither.

Don't make me the bad guy because you fancy a day of 'freedom' or whatever. That's a you problem.

If they are doing this to other guests as well, then that is their plan. I would just go and do my own thing for the day. Why do you need to pamper yourself or feel sad? You are an adult. This is their choice, deal with it, hope your partner has a nice day, and move on.

Unless this is a tiny wedding of circa 15 people, it’s unacceptably rude.

You don’t celebrate your marriage by disregarding someone else’s.

Op I think this is odd too.

Assuming there haven’t been many weddings in your circle, I suspect that the B&G will look back in embarrassment in future years.

It reminds me of a kid’s birthday party where the parents had never been to one and didn’t realise the expectation was to feed the kids!

As someone currently planning a wedding, I actually think it's quite rude to not invite long term partners. I've just had to factor that into my numbers🤷🏼‍♀️ guest enjoyment is a huge factor for me and I know I'd enjoy myself more with my partner there. Even if the plus one is just for the evening. No way would I send a save the date and then retract it!

How does your husband feel about not being a groomsman for the man he regards as his brother?

Moving forwards, as you’re the only two pairs in long-term relationships within the group, would you consider meeting up as couples or inviting them to your home for a meal?

YANBU OP. It's rude to only invite one half of a married couple to a wedding (personally I think it's rude to only invite one half of any established couple but appreciate that others have a 'no ring, no bring' attitude).

Assuming that it's a cost-cutting exercise on the couple's part then they'd save a bit more if it was us, as the invited one would decline.

A wedding is a celebration of marriage and it's rude and bizarre not to respect the marriages of your guests.

Which 5 other people should the groom take off his list then, do you think? Cousins? Great aunts?

to @BananaSpanner

I also suspect that your husband knew about it in advance and think it’s a bit of a shame he’s so chipper about it.