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Original poster

For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

315 replies

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 22:15

My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

OP posts:
Original poster
Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 15:37

wombat15 · 20/11/2024 15:35

I didn't say it was just your wedding.

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if she had invited them to her wedding but she didn't

my husband could have invited them but he didn’t.

OP posts:
wombat15 · 20/11/2024 15:35

Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 15:28

*it wasn’t just my wedding! It was my husbands too

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I didn't say it was just your wedding.

SpiggingBelgium · 20/11/2024 15:31

MrsSunshine2b · 20/11/2024 13:38

Yes, it would, which is why you don't say that. You invite the people that you are closest to, recognising that at weddings established couples come as a package deal, so if Ken is closer to you than Dave then Ken and his wife come and Dave and his partner do not. If Dave asks, you can say you just had a very small celebration. Dave might be upset to find that you consider Ken more of a friend than him, but he will not be shocked to find that you invited Ken's wife and didn't expect Ken to come on his own!

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Personally if I was Dave, I’d understand that Ken was a closer friend - that’s natural. But I think it was a bit shit that I was considered such a lesser friend that Dave effectively got two invitations when I got none.

Original poster
Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 15:28

wombat15 · 20/11/2024 15:27

The sort of person who is trying to keep the costs down for their own wedding which is just about everyone. OP wanted a really small wedding with just family. Maybe her DH's friends wanted quite a small wedding and therefore wanted to restrict invitations their actual friends. They might have felt obliged to invite OP too if she had invited them to her wedding but she didn't.

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*it wasn’t just my wedding! It was my husbands too

OP posts:
wombat15 · 20/11/2024 15:27

LazyArsedMagician · 20/11/2024 14:13

What sort of a person doesn't invite someone to their wedding because they weren't invited to a family only wedding? It's only reciprocal surely if they had other friends there?

Also, "OP" is only half of the couple that didn't invite friends - and it's also her husband's friend not hers! Don't you think it would be especially mean for the friend to basically be saying, "your wife isn't invited to our wedding because you, my friend, didn't invite me to your wedding?"

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The sort of person who is trying to keep the costs down for their own wedding which is just about everyone. OP wanted a really small wedding with just family. Maybe her DH's friends wanted quite a small wedding and therefore wanted to restrict invitations their actual friends. They might have felt obliged to invite OP too if she had invited them to her wedding but she didn't.

Mirabai · 20/11/2024 15:22

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I don’t know anyone who behaves like that.

Original poster
Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 15:17

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Nope, I never said that. I never responded to you asking if DH asked if I was invited or not. I don't know if he asked, because I don't know.

Why do you have such a problem with me and keep picking at what I say? I'm going to ignore you after this. You're not being helpful or nice.

OP posts:
CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 15:10

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CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 15:10

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BrunetteHarpy · 20/11/2024 15:09

Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 15:00

Sorry for disappearing! I've only just been able to sit down and catch up.

Wow there are a few people saying that they must not like me. I'm fairly certain they do, otherwise I wouldn't be invited to meet ups and parties. I'm sorry that you don't like me from my OP, but doesn't mean that everyone dislikes me.

We had a party booked, the hall paid for and a date. We sent out invites but due to covid it had to be cancelled. So it wasn't a maybe thing, it was happening. We've not been in the position to re-arrange it.

Our wedding was literally just a legal thing, essentially eloping. Only our parents were there. My brothers weren't even invited. We got married and then went home, that was it, with the plan to have a party in the future (which as I said above, was planned but covid caused it to be cancelled).

There wasn't an apology, my DH just sent a screenshot of his friend saying no plus ones. I'm not sure if DH asked as it was cropped to only show his friend's message. I don't know if DH asked about it, I didn't ask and I'm fine with just leaving it.

I don't want to tell DH that I'm upset, I don't want him to feel guilty for going and not have a good time because I'm not there. I'm actually embarrassed and annoyed with myself for being upset (I'm fine now, just needed somewhere to write down my feelings instead of bottling it up). I've not asked about how he feels, and he's not one to be open about his feelings if something has upset him. We're both the type to just bottle stuff up and deal with it on our own. It's how we've always been.

I’d be asking myself exactly why I was so upset — I’m not intending to be snide, but unless you’d run out and bought an outfit and arranged childcare or taken annual leave or something, I’m genuinely not sure I understand what’s knocked you so much about this.

It’s clearly not a personal snub, or anything to do with you as an individual not being liked by the bride and groom, they’ve just decided it’s simpler to treat this friendship group as a unit, and not invite wives or girlfriends. DH and I have been a couple for nearly 30 years, and married for aeons, but he’s certainly been invited to a couple of weddings solo over the past few years. I didn’t give it a second thought.

Original poster
Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 15:01

@CandidFinch sorry on mobile now so can't quote you.

It was actually handed to me. You're really searching for something that isn't there

OP posts:
Original poster
Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 15:00

Sorry for disappearing! I've only just been able to sit down and catch up.

Wow there are a few people saying that they must not like me. I'm fairly certain they do, otherwise I wouldn't be invited to meet ups and parties. I'm sorry that you don't like me from my OP, but doesn't mean that everyone dislikes me.

We had a party booked, the hall paid for and a date. We sent out invites but due to covid it had to be cancelled. So it wasn't a maybe thing, it was happening. We've not been in the position to re-arrange it.

Our wedding was literally just a legal thing, essentially eloping. Only our parents were there. My brothers weren't even invited. We got married and then went home, that was it, with the plan to have a party in the future (which as I said above, was planned but covid caused it to be cancelled).

There wasn't an apology, my DH just sent a screenshot of his friend saying no plus ones. I'm not sure if DH asked as it was cropped to only show his friend's message. I don't know if DH asked about it, I didn't ask and I'm fine with just leaving it.

I don't want to tell DH that I'm upset, I don't want him to feel guilty for going and not have a good time because I'm not there. I'm actually embarrassed and annoyed with myself for being upset (I'm fine now, just needed somewhere to write down my feelings instead of bottling it up). I've not asked about how he feels, and he's not one to be open about his feelings if something has upset him. We're both the type to just bottle stuff up and deal with it on our own. It's how we've always been.

OP posts:
Parapaderapa · 20/11/2024 14:47

I think it makes more sense now if all the other friends aren’t having a plus one. They will probably put them all on a table together or split it if the bride has a group of unmarried girlfriends who don’t have plus ones. They’re probably trying to save money and think it would be fairer to not invite any plus ones and have it as a bit of lads get together for them.

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:44

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CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:43

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Original poster
Shopaddict · 20/11/2024 14:38

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We were handed it in person, at a meet up where they knew we'd both be there

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 20/11/2024 14:17

LazyArsedMagician · 20/11/2024 14:13

What sort of a person doesn't invite someone to their wedding because they weren't invited to a family only wedding? It's only reciprocal surely if they had other friends there?

Also, "OP" is only half of the couple that didn't invite friends - and it's also her husband's friend not hers! Don't you think it would be especially mean for the friend to basically be saying, "your wife isn't invited to our wedding because you, my friend, didn't invite me to your wedding?"

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I suppose a couple that elopes with just their parents should then expect to never be invited to any wedding, for the rest of their lives. And the ones who got married with only a very small group because of Covid may as well throw away all their formal wear. 😂

LazyArsedMagician · 20/11/2024 14:13

wombat15 · 20/11/2024 14:09

It's not irrelevant. OP could have invited them to her wedding but didn't so why expect an invitation to theirs?

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What sort of a person doesn't invite someone to their wedding because they weren't invited to a family only wedding? It's only reciprocal surely if they had other friends there?

Also, "OP" is only half of the couple that didn't invite friends - and it's also her husband's friend not hers! Don't you think it would be especially mean for the friend to basically be saying, "your wife isn't invited to our wedding because you, my friend, didn't invite me to your wedding?"

MrsSunshine2b · 20/11/2024 14:12

wombat15 · 20/11/2024 14:09

It's not irrelevant. OP could have invited them to her wedding but didn't so why expect an invitation to theirs?

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Neither did OP's DH, but he got an invite.

wombat15 · 20/11/2024 14:09

LazyArsedMagician · 20/11/2024 14:06

I'm sorry, it's weird to only invite one half of a married couple, unless they are very casual friends like work friends. A good friend of 20 years, that is a snub, unless they are having a small wedding.

What you could have done for your own wedding is completely immaterial. You didn't.

It's not irrelevant. OP could have invited them to her wedding but didn't so why expect an invitation to theirs?

wombat15 · 20/11/2024 14:07

Normally I would think it rude not to invite the spouse of a friend but you didn't invite them to your own wedding so I think it hypocritical to complain.

LazyArsedMagician · 20/11/2024 14:06

I'm sorry, it's weird to only invite one half of a married couple, unless they are very casual friends like work friends. A good friend of 20 years, that is a snub, unless they are having a small wedding.

What you could have done for your own wedding is completely immaterial. You didn't.

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:04

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SheilaFentiman · 20/11/2024 14:03

If it’s frequently forgotten then I would say, by definition, it’s no longer basic etiquette.

It is, apparently, traditional to keep the front few pews for family. I wasn’t bothered but my mum was, so we did that.

It’s traditional for fathers to give brides away. Many don’t now, because it’s patriarchal.

It’s traditional for the groom and best man and father of the bride to speak. Now sometimes the chief bridesmaid and bride will also speak.

Which - if any - of these is “basic etiquette”?

Mirabai · 20/11/2024 13:56

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I have yeah.