For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

I did read your post - you thought couples should go to weddings together.
This thread is about weddings. Not other things that people might be invited to or do.

Perfectly fine for one person in a couple to go on their own.

I have wondered if the wedding 'industry' really got going after Lady Di's wedding.

What @SheilaFentiman said.

I'm guessing you haven't tried to arrange a wedding recently @Mirabai ?

Buying a sit down dinner for 50-100 people is expensive whether you are doing it in a stately home or the nearest holiday inn.

And not everyone has the capacity to self cater, especially if they are getting married near the home of one set of parents rather than their own home.

Admittedly, when I got married, many decades ago, it wouldn't have been the done thing, but 'costs per head' weren't so ludicrous back then.

Only because people expect lavish weddings. That’s why costs have increased (separate to inflation). The obsession with pretending to be an aristocrat for a day in a stately home venue you can’t actually afford.

^ This. It’s peak narcissistic entitlement.

The idea that because the day is special to you, you are doing your guests a massive favour by inviting them, lies at the core of the gauche narcissism around weddings.

It’s based on a failure to understand or be aware of basic principles of social etiquette.

An invitation is a request for the honour of your guests’ company on the occasion of your marriage. You have asked them to celebrate with you, and they have put themselves out to turn up for you, perhaps even travelling far. They did not ask if they could attend. Nor are you the queen (or bridezilla) sending a favour for a private audience at court.

I read threads like these and wonder why people bother getting married - or rather having a wedding - at all. So many people seem to treat everything as an affront! I get that it’s a form of self-selection, as no one starts a Mumsnet thread to say they went to a lovely wedding where nothing went wrong. But the complaints just seem endless.

Not invited? It’s hurtful and a snub, even if you don’t actually want to go (or, as in one case on this thread, don’t even like the groom!) Invited? It’s all a big expense and a hassle if it’s more than half an hour away. Kids not invited? They’re not “acknowledging” your family unit and clearly don’t understand how difficult and expensive childcare can be to arrange. Kids invited? Oh, great - that’s FOUR outfits and TWO hotel rooms to pay for. And God forbid it’s not on a Saturday…

Whatever happened to being pleased to get a nice invitation, or finding a polite way to decline if it’s unwelcome or inconvenient?

It also seems quite dramatic against what OP has posted, which is more “I’m sad, would have been fun but oh well. I’ll do something else fab that day instead”

“A trail of hurt feelings” seems very dramatic when we’re talking about friends’ spouses you see a few times a year.

It's these sorts of threads that reinforce the fact to me that I am getting old.

I'm mid-Gen X. I wouldn't consider a spouse to be a 'plus one' at a wedding, but a unit. 'In my day' living with someone would also fall into this category as well as - probably - a long-term partner not living together. But the area does get greyer there. A few people did have the 'no ring, no bring' policy but it was pretty rare and nearly 30 years later that would be VERY hard to enforce.

This is a very weird situation OP, you've known them for a while now. I'm fascinated by posters trying to justify it. The B&G have obvs found a way to but I have to say I wouldn't cross the road for this pair in the future, so to speak. If it's convenient to meet up fine, if not I'd not bother. They obviously don't consider you a proper friend but a DH-hanger on.

And as for the idea a PP suggested that they're going to mix up tables of male and female friends whose partners weren't invited cause it's 'easier' - WTAF.

Expecting to do everything as a couple feels like a hark back to times when women were not allowed out without their husbands.

Did you even bother reading my post properly in your rush to post and berate what I said?

I stated clearly that it's fine to do stuff with friends separately too. 🙄

Maybe try reading posts properly before responding in future eh?

How about because you're going to leave a trail of hurt feelings and annoyed friends and relatives? Is that a good enough reason to show a bit of basic courtesy to your guests?

That is a very strange way to turn things on their head.

There is only one person getting things backwards here. It is quite clear that the people who are hosting are not 'having a favour done for them' by inviting people to what is their very special time. That's hilarious.

Perhaps you have a limited social circle then?

Admittedly, when I got married, many decades ago, it wouldn't have been the done thing, but 'costs per head' weren't so ludicrous back then.

I have 3x adult dc and several nieces and nephews in their 20s and just tipping into their 30s and this has very much become more of a thing in the last few years. People go with the friends from wherever they know the person from. So it might be you were friends at school, or University, and those people who were in that friendship group from that time, go together, without current partners who they weren't with at the time. The same way it has always been with - for example- inviting colleagues in the evening, and the colleagues themselves go, rather than colleagues plus partners.
None of them think it strange, and indeed, the two who have got married felt relieved that etiquette has evolved from 'back in the day' when it would have been seen as less acceptable. It makes much more sense to invite 6 of your actual friends without partners than to have to choose which 3 of the 6 close friends you have, but to invite their partners who you don't really have a relationship with.

"there's a lot of basic etiquette for weddings which is frequently forgotten because the bride and groom forget that they're not the most important people in the world" I don't think most brides and grooms (or couples) getting married think they're the most important people in the world, but more that they're the most important people at the wedding- which they are? If I'm getting married I'm not doing something I don't want just because someone else has decided it's "basic etiquette".

They invited him because he is their friend though and people usually want their friends at their wedding. Plus ones are invited more out of politeness/obligation. There is an extra cost to that and I can see that someone might not feel so obliged if they weren't invited to your wedding.

What sort of a person doesn't invite someone to their wedding because they weren't invited to a family only wedding? It's only reciprocal surely if they had other friends there?

Surely someone who had a family only wedding can understand how someone might want a smaller, no partners wedding?

It's not about whether I'm capable of spending half a day without my husband. He's more than happy not to come with me to a girl's night or a pottery painting party or similar. I'm very happy to stay at home when he goes out to play pool. That's not the same as a wedding. Why I would want to attend a party, especially one where the main focus is on the joys of coupledom and love, without him?

You and your DH didn't invite the man who your DH sees as a brother to your wedding so you can't complain when you are not invited to their wedding. They are probably trying to keep the numbers/cost down.

From now on if you and the other female partners who weren’t invited, don’t feel like going to any of their social events in the future at least you can easily decline or cancel as you feel since it’s clear you’re not considered so central to the group by the men !

I don’t think it’s personal to you as some suggested, since other partners haven’t been invited to so just enjoy your day at the spa.

I do still think it’s weird and rude that they sent you a save the date though and didn’t apologise later when it turned out they couldn’t invite you.

If you were Ken, and were aware that Dave, Bob, Nigel and Gaz, your entire friendship group, were all also invited without their girlfriends or a +1, I’d see the logic and not start grandstanding about how the bride and groom must not really want me there if they Didn’t Invite My Life Partner.

I mean, surely you can be apart from one another for half a day without it constituting some kind of friendship-ending insult?

Hi OP, this is another wedding story that emphasises how there is always someone who is going to be upset about something! I'm not married but several of my friend's weddings had partners who were invited to evening only.
I'd let this go (as I have had to do re a family related family wedding).
Take care

If I was Ken and was invited without my wife, I'd assume that the couple didn't actually want me there anyway otherwise they wouldn't have excluded my life partner, and would decline. I suppose that works out fine as that leaves space for Dave.