Page 11 | For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

Shopaddict · 2024-11-19T22:15:26+00:00

My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6. we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction. My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”. I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

Original poster

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 23:14

LilacLilyBird · 19/11/2024 23:11

It seems like there's something going on you aren't aware of

What do you mean?

OP posts:

sweetpickle2 · 19/11/2024 23:14

Smokesandeats · 19/11/2024 23:13

I know weddings are expensive but it’s rude to not invite you both. I’d be telling your DH that you’re not happy about being left out and intend to distance yourself from this couple in the future. They only see your DH as a friend, not you.

To be fair so does the OP- it’s been 8 years and she still calls them her DH’s friends, not hers.

SabreIsMyFave · 19/11/2024 23:13

This would annoy me too. That is weird to invite someone to a WEDDING but not their wife (or husband.) Don't invite a partner who they're not married to or even living with fair enough, but a wife or husband??? Weird, and rude.

If someone did do this to me and DH, he wouldn't go to said wedding. And I wouldn't go either - (if I was invited and he was left out.)

Smokesandeats · 19/11/2024 23:13

I know weddings are expensive but it’s rude to not invite you both. I’d be telling your DH that you’re not happy about being left out and intend to distance yourself from this couple in the future. They only see your DH as a friend, not you.

Original poster

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 23:12

LilacLilyBird · 19/11/2024 23:09

My DH and his friend are part of a group, so they all see each other together. Very rarely it’s just one of them. They’re all very close.

We do live quite far from them now too, and busy with work and our families, so meet ups aren’t as common as they used to be, but DH still speaks to the group regularly.

You're saying that 'they' not 'we' see each other together

It kind of seems like you're not part of their group ?!? If this group is a mix of men and women then it's strange your not a proper part of it after all theses years

Which is telling

It’s just 5 men and their OHs. I go to the meet ups with DH most of the time, I have missed some due to being busy. The OHs and I aren’t a part of the group, we’re not in their group chat.

OP posts:

LilacLilyBird · 19/11/2024 23:11

It seems like there's something going on you aren't aware of

Sportacus17 · 19/11/2024 23:10

I’m always relieved when I don’t get invited to a wedding!

LilacLilyBird · 19/11/2024 23:10

Again

They should be your friends by now too and not just his after all the years

'I get on really well with DH’s friends so I know I would have had a great time. I am planning a spa day for myself at home, so that has softened the disappointment/sadness'

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 19/11/2024 23:10

I think it's very rude in the circumstances.
One of my best friends I've known for 10 years plus but we tend to socialise only with each other as her DP is a bit of a hermit (however the odd occasion we've all socialised as couples we all get on well)
I would never dream of inviting her but not her DP to my wedding.

Regardless of cost it's extremely unclassy.

Original poster

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 23:10

sweetpickle2 · 19/11/2024 23:08

Why should they scale down their wedding to invite someone who the OP admits they’re not close to, and who seems to be more bothered they’re missing a night out with their DH than the couple themselves.

The mumsnet obsession with manners is bonkers.

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I said a night with DH AND his friends, which includes the couple!

OP posts:

LilacLilyBird · 19/11/2024 23:09

My DH and his friend are part of a group, so they all see each other together. Very rarely it’s just one of them. They’re all very close.

We do live quite far from them now too, and busy with work and our families, so meet ups aren’t as common as they used to be, but DH still speaks to the group regularly.

You're saying that 'they' not 'we' see each other together

It kind of seems like you're not part of their group ?!? If this group is a mix of men and women then it's strange your not a proper part of it after all theses years

Which is telling

Original poster

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 23:09

dafa · 19/11/2024 23:05

I think it’s just one of those things, it may be a bit disappointing but planning a big wedding is such a nightmare when it comes to numbers & budget.

I went to a wedding a few years ago of an old school friend who I was still close too, husband (of 12 years) had met her a few times, we had a few meal with her & partner but he wasn’t invited. Only partners that knew both the couple the well. I literally knew no one else at the wedding and sat with some work friends, but I was just privileged to be invited when I knew numbers were tight, my husband didn’t care.

To be honest, weddings of people you don’t know very well are pretty boring. It’s not just an excuse for a night out, maybe arrange a nice night away with your husband to soften the blow. It’s ok to be sad, but I wouldn’t make it a think for either the couple or your husband.

I get on really well with DH’s friends so I know I would have had a great time. I am planning a spa day for myself at home, so that has softened the disappointment/sadness

OP posts:

sweetpickle2 · 19/11/2024 23:08

ForGreyKoala · 19/11/2024 23:04

I'm 65 and have never heard of a wedding where a guest's spouse wasn't invited. It's the very height of rudeness. It wouldn't occur to me to invite one half of a couple. If you can't afford to invite partners then maybe scale down other aspects of the wedding. YANBU OP.

Why should they scale down their wedding to invite someone who the OP admits they’re not close to, and who seems to be more bothered they’re missing a night out with their DH than the couple themselves.

The mumsnet obsession with manners is bonkers.

dafa · 19/11/2024 23:05

I think it’s just one of those things, it may be a bit disappointing but planning a big wedding is such a nightmare when it comes to numbers & budget.

I went to a wedding a few years ago of an old school friend who I was still close too, husband (of 12 years) had met her a few times, we had a few meal with her & partner but he wasn’t invited. Only partners that knew both the couple the well. I literally knew no one else at the wedding and sat with some work friends, but I was just privileged to be invited when I knew numbers were tight, my husband didn’t care.

To be honest, weddings of people you don’t know very well are pretty boring. It’s not just an excuse for a night out, maybe arrange a nice night away with your husband to soften the blow. It’s ok to be sad, but I wouldn’t make it a think for either the couple or your husband.

BasiliskStare · 19/11/2024 23:05

"It is very poor manners not to invite both halves of a married couple."

You see I don't agree with this . I was invited to a friend's wedding , DH of 15 years was not as were other DW's DH's , but the bride said it as owing to numbers and put all of us on a table together DH wasn't fussed at all. Weddings can be very expensive.

I can see why you are disappointed and I can but please don't take it as a personal slight.

ForGreyKoala · 19/11/2024 23:04

I'm 65 and have never heard of a wedding where a guest's spouse wasn't invited. It's the very height of rudeness. It wouldn't occur to me to invite one half of a couple. If you can't afford to invite partners then maybe scale down other aspects of the wedding. YANBU OP.

snowlady4 · 19/11/2024 23:03

I think its terribly rude to ask you to save the date and then not invite you. Also think no plus one is rude, but that will likely be the minority opinion on here!
I was actually invited to a wedding on my own and replied with, thank you so much for the invitation and would have loved to come, but with everything involved in attending a wedding (flights, hotels etc,) it would have to be both of us or neither of us. They actually then gave me a plus one!
I think people forget the enormous expense for guests to attend weddings and should be a little more considerate of guests tbh.
What does your husband think?
I'd be offended too if I was you. But, you can do no more than accept it and do something nice for yourself that day instead.

vegaspotty · 19/11/2024 23:01

ElsaLion · 19/11/2024 22:29

Personally I think it is very rude not to invite the spouse of a long-term friend, especially as he has known you both for several years. It's not like you only met your DH a month ago.

This!

KTSl1964 · 19/11/2024 22:59

Maybe they don’t want any children at the wedding so have left you out to look after the child.

MiddleClassProblem · 19/11/2024 22:58

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 22:55

That probably is the case, which is why I’m only sad and not annoyed. I do understand why I’ve not been invited. I’m annoyed at myself for being sad about it

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It’s ok to feel what you feel. And this is fresh so the feeling will pass.

NetZeroZealot · 19/11/2024 22:55

It is very poor manners not to invite both halves of a married couple.
I’m not surprised you are upset OP. Your feelings are completely valid.

Original poster

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 22:55

MiddleClassProblem · 19/11/2024 22:46

So this shows more as to if they have to keep numbers low for costs or venue, why you personally were not invited. They are very much DH’s friends.

My DH has a close group of friends. There are about 10 of them but they all love all over the country now but we visited as a couple or now a family and vice versa, as well as group stuff but it sounds like you don’t have much of a personal relationship with them. It’s not a slight in you but if the are having to keep it small it makes sense as to them only being able to invite people who are essential and close to them.

That probably is the case, which is why I’m only sad and not annoyed. I do understand why I’ve not been invited. I’m annoyed at myself for being sad about it

OP posts:

Original poster

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 22:53

NewName24 · 19/11/2024 22:51

My DH and his friend are part of a group, so they all see each other together. Very rarely it’s just one of them. They’re all very close.
We do live quite far from them now too, and busy with work and our families, so meet ups aren’t as common as they used to be, but DH still speaks to the group regularly.

So, it doesn't sound as if you are close to the bride and groom ?
More that your dh has a long history with them and you sometimes get invited to some things as part of the group.

Don't get me wrong. I haven't voted, as I think YANBU to feel a bit disappointed / sad, but I also think the B&G ANBU in that they need to make a cut off somewhere, and you aren't that close to them as a couple.

I wouldn’t say I’m close to them, he is my DH’s friend. DH isn’t close to the bride either, I’ve spoken to her more than he has

OP posts:

Original poster

Shopaddict · 19/11/2024 22:52

Wishicouldnotcare · 19/11/2024 22:47

I'm surprised you haven't discussed it with him OP. In fact I'm surprised when the invitation came he didn't raise the matter with you himself. I would have thought he would have been upset on your behalf.

Edited

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I wouldn’t be surprised if he already knew, but just didn’t want to tell me. I said I was excited when we got the save the date, so he probably didn’t want to disappoint me. He’s never been one to ask if he can bring me to parties/meet ups unless it’s been obvious I’m invited too

OP posts:

RitaIncognita · 19/11/2024 22:52

I can understand why you are a bit hurt, OP. First of all, it's bad form to send someone a save-the-date and then not invite them to the wedding. I also think it's bad form not to invite a spouse.