Who's in the wrong ? Big fight with H

How old is your DC?

I called him today as I yet again had bad feedback from nursery regarding my youngest.
It keeps happening and it's upsetting and stressful.

It keeps happening?

If its been an on going thing have you actually made an appointment for a discussion with the nursery staff yet or do you just keep asking them to leave it as the timing isn't appropriate for you?

I wouldn't even bother calling my DH unless I knew exactly what the "bad feedback" was about.

It's wrong to even say, or think you should put the nursery staff in their place if your DC is the one causing problems and being given "bad feedback" yet you're still not bothering to find out why.

IF you explained that you didn't because you want to have a meeting with them and talk about it properly before deciding how to handle it (which i assume is what you've done) and he then continued to badger/harass you, and asked you repeatedly why you didn't do what he thinks you ought to have done, then the problem is 100% with him,

You probably shouldn't have told him to fuck off, but honestly, in my experience with a dickhead bully exh, the best thing to do in that situation is just stop responding, then all they can do is argue with thin air.

So you had this conversation in front of your child?

Agreed. Can't say I have ever told my DH to F**off, not alone twice in the same argument.

So his ploy is to put people in their place including you and not to parent his child's behaviour.

Sounds like he is a bit of an idiot who thinks that everything is someone else's fault whether that means blaming the nursery staff or blaming you rather than thinking about how to improve things.

Hold on. You had this phone call about your child, in front of your child? The phone call included him aggressively questioning you, and you “losing it” and telling him to fuck off. Then you both continued the shouting and swearing at home loud enough for your kids to hear?

do either of you have any self awareness at all??

This is really horrible and I hope you are OK. It's stressful worrying about children and mothers always seem to get the blame. Sometimes children just have an off day (as we all do) or maybe the nursery isn't the best fit for them, it could literally be anything. I hope he doesn't say this sort of thing in front of your children too! It doesn't sound like he deals with stress well at all.

he asked me again why didn't I tell them that our child is really young etc

Does he really think people who work in a nursery don't know how young children behave? Just maybe they know more about it than he does? Tell him that it really would do him no harm to take off the blinkers and contemplate the possibility that other people might know more than he does.

Oh no darling, I think you're right. I'm just not cut out for this. I guess things will be all fine now you're taking over all the nursery comms and pick ups to do thing properly. It really is too bad, I enjoyed that all so much.

As you know he is going to say unhelpful stuff, do you have to tell him every time nursery gives you bad feedback? Not suggesting you don't tell him anything, but maybe just not everything.

And maybe not over the phone when you are pushed for time. There is a time and place for most conversations, but rushing from nursery to another child pick-up isn't one of them.

His attitude is not helpful, and isn't helping. Definitely get an appointment so you can talk to nursery properly.

Sounds like there’s a lot of aggression and extreme reactions in your relationship. It all sounds very stressy. Can’t you both just bring everything down a few notches? You might find the poor behaviour at nursery magically resolves itself, too.

I think this is a sensible approach.

Was he at work when you rang him?

I would've waited until he got home to be honest.

What @PTSDBarbiegirl said.

You are right in that there is no need to "put people in their place" I too would have told him to fuck off.
My dh has a bad habit of telling me what I should be saying when i'm on the phone dealing with complaints or whatever, at no point does he ever offer to call these people and deal with stuff. You can imagine the hand signals he gets

He's twat. Does he not realise that the nursery worker will have a better idea of him on what is normal child behaviour? If he starts 'putting them in their place' you'll be lucky if you aren't asked to take your child elsewhere surely!

It is strange that he thinks that the way to handle this is by putting the staff in their place.

To discuss their child I'd guess

What was he doing when you rang him? How did you not have time to talk to nursery but managed to to DH and have time to have an argument all before bedtime of a nursery aged child?

Baby is mimicking his behaviour, he’s an arse who doesn’t understand how to connect with children. Get out while you can.