Who's in the wrong ? Big fight with H

But it isn't a big issue according to the head and SENCO.

Why it's dangerous

It's not illegal to use a hands-free phone while driving, but it's just as dangerous as using a handheld phone:

*Research shows that using a hands-free phone while driving creates the same risks of a collision as using a handheld phone. Drivers using a phone, whether hands-free or handheld, can:

Take up to a second longer to react to hazards

Be less likely to notice hazards

Fail to see up to 50% of the information in their driving environment

Have slower reaction times than drivers impaired by alcohol

Enforcement
Police can stop drivers who they deem not in control because of distraction, including through the use of a hands-free phone.

Having slower reaction times then someone drink driving is pretty terrifying. With your child in the car, while arguing with your husband in the phone, you were as dangerous as a drunk driver.

He sounds like a dick.

Nursery workers know age appropriate behaviour very well- and better than your H. If they are raising stuff with you it means that it’s an issue and potentially a big one (aggressive behaviour to other kids at any age is absolutely not on).

Sounds to me like you need to book an appointment with your H to discuss things properly with nursery- then he can see how far he gets. But in general terms if you go around “putting people in their place” instead of trying to listen to legitimate concerns your DS won’t get very far. Certainly it won’t go down well at school at all.

It really isn't perfectly safe to talk on Bluetooth while driving, and there are loads of studies that demonstrate that. They're is no way that having an animated conversation about your child's behaviour (and talking to your child as well) leaves you able to concentrate on the road. It extremely foolish and dangerous.

That aside, it's also a terrible way to communicate about a problem, and no doubt led to the fractiousness of the interaction. If you've something difficult to discuss, you choose a quiet time, face to face, when you can focus properly, not when you're both multitasking. And when the child isn't present.

This. You needed further clarification about your dc and failed to get it twice. Your dh dies sound a bit if a know all know though.

So you were both driving whilst having this conversation or one of you was?

I just want to say that mumsnet can be a very good support system for mums generally - it may seem like some of what has been said isn't very helpful but a lot of it comes from those who have been in your shoes and just want to help you unpick the whole thing and reframe it into something workable that can actually guide you through the storms - one parent has to stay rational and supportive if the other is losing their cool - two parents losing it at each other is no help to anyone. Try to break the habit of ringing each other at work to let off steam - by the time you're both home in the evening 6 other things might have happened to distract you and the urgent issue will have lost steam in hindsight.

Fair point OP, it isn’t illegal. It is not recommended though as it can impair the drivers ability and given the situation you’ve described there would have been a lot of distractions.

Which is it he wants you to do? Take the blame for your child’s behaviour, or put the nursery people in their place? Two totally opposing views. He’s a bully and he’s pressing your buttons. Why don’t you suggest he organise an appointment and then he can put them in their place as he sees fit.
You however handled the brief meeting as you saw fit at that point in time.

When he repeatedly asked you the same queation did you say to him 'can you stop asking me that, I've already answered that question' on repeat? Does he realise that he asks the same question again and again and that everyone has different ways of dealing with things (and no one is necessarily wrong)

He sounds aggressive. If I got that call from nursery I'd be concerned and want to hear more. The thought of "putting them in their place" wouldn't enter my head!
Is tgis how he navigates life in general? Confronting people and putting them in their place?

It's a situation that's gone tits up overall. The nursery sounds weird. Toddlers are often aggressive without it necessarily being anyone's fault, it's a stage. Your husband is a patronising wanker who can do this himself if he's so clever. And finally, where I would draw the line is him directly accusing you of fuelling any negative behaviour in your kids - whether that's true or not it's a toxic discussion. I actually think that about my DH, but I broach the topic more in a "I wonder why DS is shouting at you, could it be that he didn't like you shouting at him, but I get it, we all lose it sometimes" etc. Not what I'm actually thinking....

Is your child 2 or 4....not many 2 year olds can constructively describe events that happened a few hours ago let alone be unbiased and admit what they did ....it's still a conversation for a time you can fully attend not when you should be concentrating on driving. But inappropriate to involve your child at that level anyway.

We argued in front of our now teens ONCE when they were primary age and it upset them and they still remember it.

We are not “perfect” but Dh is a litigator so very good at not having arguments - we just discuss things. Calmly like reasonable adults. We now have calm reasonable teens and I have never once been contacted by any third party about their behaviour in 18 years.

But are you guys seriously telling me that parents never argue in front of their children ?

No, people are telling you that parents SHOULDN'T argue in front of their children, especially if those arguments involve shouting and telling each other to fuck off IN FRONT OF YOUR TWO YEAR OLD. Jesus H Christ.

Ok, I’m prepared to get flamed here (tin hat on and ready) but am I right in reading that you had a 3 way phone conversation with your DH and 2 year old son, on the phone, in the car, on the way home? Because that in itself is a reckless act. Why would you do that whilst driving?! You are not just putting yourself and son in danger but other road users too. If you have such little lack of self awareness of how dangerous (and illegal) that was, you may need to rethink your stance that the arguments you have with your DH have no lasting impact on your child. It sounds to me that you act impulsively and in the moment when faced with a crisis and maybe finding ways to learn how not to act on impulse and stepping back in the moment, may be more helpful for you, to have time and space about how you might want to deal with a difficult situation?

It’s not a mystery as to where the toddler gets their aggressive behaviour from is it? And on what planet is it seen as a positive to argue in front of young children? It really isn’t. .

OP I've been in your shoes over the years with an unhelpful reactive DH. All i learned was to very carefully manage what I tell him and when - I don't raise anything tricky or complicated during the workday as he just explodes and overreacts like yours did, often at me like yours did. Dont discuss anything before he's eaten, or if the children are in the room either to cushion any impact. Dont expect much of a helpful response about anything.
It's quite lonely but much more peaceful - you clearly know how to deal with issues more appropriately so just give him a brief high level update after you've sorted it next time and save yourself the bother 😏

Your youngest would have heard you say fuck off down the phone? Kids copy. You guys sound like you need to work on your communication style.