To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

@CandyCane457 that's why I think the OP should simply be honest - "I can't afford it".
That's the reason.

I would drive, not have any drinks, and ask for a separate bill. It's totally fine to pay for just yourself! Times are hard for a lot of us right now, and parting with a lot of cash for no real reason is unnecessary.

The best excuse is Covid. Tell her a day in advance you’ve got Covid and feel wretched so can’t join, let alone the danger of spreading it and you’ll take her out for a drink when you’re better.

She won’t mind. At birthday meals only 2/3 people get to talk to the birthday person anyway.

I know some people love it, but I’m not really a fan of the ‘no excuse needed’ just say “sorry I can’t make it anymore” thing, it’s not for me. If someone text me saying that about my birthday meal with no reason, I think I would find it a bit off.

I think your best bet here is to drive so no money on taxis. Also means no money on drinks. So then when it comes to splitting the bill, you can easily say “I didn’t get any alcohol drinks guys so I’m just gonna pay for my meal and you can all split the rest between you.” You’re killing two birds with one stone there really, no taxi cost and it’s an easy, obvious way to not take part in bill splitting. Also you say it’s a small group so I think that would be really easy. May be harder in a bigger group to take your meal off and then split. I often don’t drink with meals so my friends and I do it that way.

The kind of company I keep wouldn't mind at all if I had been in the OP's shoes. They would just be glad I could join them.

Drive, say you’re not drinking for the whole of November as you need to get in shape for Christmas and therefore you’ll bow out of the drinks orders (and just make sure you drink water). Then only need to pay for your food and contribute to the tip.

that’s if you want to go of course and are trying to find a way to make it work

This ^^ is the right approach, and is what I would do.

Just tell them beforehand. It needn't be embarrassing.

Don’t feel bad. No one else will.
I’ve ducked out of all sorts, no one gives it another thought.
Tummy bug, virus, suspected Covid. Just remember which you use!

I misread - you earlier said "I could drive, it's a long way" which I took to mean I could drive but it's a long way!"

So I would drive, yes, a 20-mile Uber is not ideal.

Honestly, life is too short to do something that causes you stress. £80 is a long money if you don’t have it. I would message and say I’m sorry I was hoping to make it but its just not going to work out. Hope you have a great time etc.

I'm in the honesty camp. You either go and be honest - drive, keep things to your own budget.

Or you don't go and be honest - I just can't afford it before Christmas

I think you should go though - have some fun, and only spend what you can feasibly afford

These people might be friends but they aren't the boss of you. Either tell the truth or say you won't be able to make it but you'd love to have a lunch to celebrate her birthday another time.

That sounds exhausting

How many people are going? What happened when you tried to pull out before and what excuse did you give? Do you know how everyone else is travelling there? Do they all drink, have kids? Just trying to work out if any taxi costs can be shared or if any of the others won't be drinking or may also be financially strapped.

Been up all night throwing up haven't you? Got this flu thing that's going around. You feel dreadful but you'll get together with her when you're better.

You say that the event was arranged as a save the date and details of the venue which is expensive to eat/drink and expensive to get to was confirmed much later. You say you initially tried to decline but it was made difficult to do. I think this changes the scenario. You didn't realise that you were signing up for an expensive meal and drink plus transport costs for the "unique" venue. How did you try to decline? Were you talked into it by somebody - the organizer? Frankly, I think the organiser should have been much more thoughtful about costs especially if you're not terribly close friends these days. I mean the birthday person and the organiser aren't really hosting a birthday party. They've just booked a table at an expensive restaurant. Are presents expected too? In your circumstances I think the only sensible thing is to feign a positive covid test.

I agree, driving and paying for your own share I would have thought would be £30 max
Unless you have had some bad financial news why did you agree to go in the first place and think a 40 mile round trip Uber would be cheap ?
Another who finds it off that people are happy to lie to their friends at the drop of a hat

It would if you did it well and set the scene properly first.
Maybe they wouldn't 100% even then but they might give you the benefir of the doubt.

Bailing on people is so common, that I don’t think you would be believed.

Oh gosh. How tricky.

Don’t lie to your friend. That’s not on. Either tell her you’re so sorry you just can’t afford it, or drive and discretely have your own bill.

Whatever you do, don’t text the night before saying you’ve got a tummy bug or something. That’s not the way to treat people and she will know you’re lying and think you just can’t be bothered to go, which will hurt her feelings.

This is literally the mantra of the flaky.

If you’re dropping out of a special birthday party don’t you think the person will be hurt anyway? You get to have the feels because you’ve not hurt their feelings whilst they’re sitting at an empty table on a special birthday (there have been a few threads about this which have been heartbreaking).

The only decent way to do something like this if you really can’t go is to phone the person and explain, honestly what the issue is. Otherwise I’d expect to be ghosted TBH- people see through this pretty easily.

I don't need to lie about something like this to my friends, because they'd completely understand! My friends would not be hurt if I couldn't afford to do something, no true friend would.

Ye gods, if someone said this to me/ a close friend about not coming to a special birthday celebration I would assume I’d mortally offended them. Or that their personality had changed dramatically into utterly rude and flaky.

I think it would be a shame not to go just because of the costs. Agree with others that the better idea would be to drive and maybe say you had a massive late lunch and so will just order a few soft drinks and maybe a starter. I know it’s utterly dispiriting to organise something like this and only have a few people turn up so I’d make the effort to go unless it is genuinely impossible.

As clary said. Drive, don't drink, and tell them in advance that you are skint and have been wondering if you should cancel because you can't afford it, but you might be able to manage if it's ok to have a separate bill as you will be driving and not drinking.

Then it will be fairly cheap and they will probably leave you out of any group cocktail purchase for the birthday girl.

What are you going to do OP?

What have you decided?