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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

362 replies

Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 12:42

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 19/11/2024 18:04

I actually think you should be honest OP. Is it someone else who has organised it or the birthday girl? Either way I’d send a message saying this is quite awkward but you are struggling at the moment ask if it could be agreed in advance that everyone pays their own way, particularly with drinks. You can get around any additional awkwardness with drinking by driving and saying that’s why you’re only having soft drinks / tap water.

If you really don’t feel you can go then I at this stage I’d probably go the sickness route. If you were feeling charitable you could transfer £10 to the organiser to pay for a cocktail for the birthday girl on you.

Tbry24 · 19/11/2024 18:03

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 17:59

@Moveoverdarlin oh to be able to live a life where spending £80 wouldn't make much difference......
80 quid is a LOT of money

I agree that’s a weeks shopping in my home

Tbry24 · 19/11/2024 18:02

Sorry about the comments saying it’s not a lot of money. For the people posting that it depends on what income you have, for some £5 is a lot of money to find at the end of the month.

If you have enough fuel to get you there and back I would drive. I would only drink water with my meal, fine as you are driving. And just order a main no starter or dessert. Tell your friend in advance you can only afford to pay for your meal.

Hope you have a good time.

He11oKitty · 19/11/2024 18:02

I think it’s really shit that posters would cancel on the day of the celebration or close before it with some obvious lie. Honestly. That way leads to no invitations to 50th parties.

OP why don’t you just message the birthday girl, tell her you want to come but your budget is x and is that still ok? Then drive, don’t drink, and pay for your share plus tip and contribution to her night (if you can). And you know, it’s nice to celebrate with people. If you signed up for a survey or market research website you could spend an hour after normal work/kids bedtimes for a few days and you’d have made enough to pay for it.

Aavalon57 · 19/11/2024 18:00

I hate that sort of thing where rather than listening to you, they come up with unwanted solutions.

PeloMom · 19/11/2024 17:59

‘I’m sorry I’m not able to make it’ no need to provide reasons

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 17:59

@Moveoverdarlin oh to be able to live a life where spending £80 wouldn't make much difference......
80 quid is a LOT of money

Moveoverdarlin · 19/11/2024 17:59

Is £80 for a Saturday night out really considered that pricey nowadays? Food, drinks and a £30 taxi home? I think that sounds cheap as chips. Can you drive to cut down on the taxi cost? Or get someone to pick you up? I hate it when people that drop out with a few days to go, it will really take the shine off for the others.

CandidFinch · 19/11/2024 17:57

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CandidFinch · 19/11/2024 17:57

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Original poster
Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 17:56

I tried to make an excuse initially, but the organiser just had a 'solution' for any potential reason not to go. It was awkward.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/11/2024 17:54

‘I’m sorry, but I’ve looked at the menu and the prices, and it’s going to be a bit too much of a stretch for me, what with Christmas coming up. I hope you all have a great time!’

Moveoverdarlin · 19/11/2024 17:53

Cynic17 · 19/11/2024 12:46

Absolutely don't make an excuse! As suggested, just "sorry I can no longer attend. Have a good time". Don't apologise, either!

I think that is so rude. It’s a small group, and a big birthday so presumably you’re relatively close to the birthday boy / girl. Surely they are owed an explanation? And you should definitely apologise for dropping out.

Is £80 really going to make that much difference to your Christmas? You should go, be grateful to be asked and celebrate with your friend who thinks enough of you to ask you.

Mamasperspective · 19/11/2024 17:51

sickness and diarrhoea that has started Friday morning ... nobody will pressure you to still go

CandidFinch · 19/11/2024 17:51

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rocketgal · 19/11/2024 17:51

Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 17:47

The added difficulty is it a 'food for the table' kind of eating rather than order your own main. So it's a set menu of dishes that comes based on the number eating. So there's no option to just have a cheap something.

Can you afford it OP if you just pay for food and drive? What was said when you tried to decline before?

Honestlyhon · 19/11/2024 17:50

Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 17:47

The added difficulty is it a 'food for the table' kind of eating rather than order your own main. So it's a set menu of dishes that comes based on the number eating. So there's no option to just have a cheap something.

Why did you agree to go in the first place? You’re letting your friend down. Do people not have values anymore?

CandidFinch · 19/11/2024 17:50

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Honestlyhon · 19/11/2024 17:49

99point6 · 19/11/2024 17:15

There was a rather sad thread recently where the OP had gone to great efforts to organise her 40th birthday bash and the amount of no shows and cancellations was something horrendous. If driving and paying for your own meal is within your means, then that would be preferable to dropping out at this stage.

Agree, so much snakey behaviour on this thread.

Astrabees · 19/11/2024 17:49

If this was my birthday celebration and you said you couldn’t afford it I would just pay for you so you could come. Have you seen all the threads on here where upset people have gone to the trouble of arranging parties and meals out only to have some no shows and late cancellations that ruin the evening (a couple where no one turned up at all) Tell your friend what the problem is, drive yourself, don’t drink. I’m sure you will have a good time and that your friend will be leased to see you. Some kind person will probably buy you a mock tail. I have been at various times the best off and the poorest of my group of friends, they always understood.

Original poster
Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 17:47

The added difficulty is it a 'food for the table' kind of eating rather than order your own main. So it's a set menu of dishes that comes based on the number eating. So there's no option to just have a cheap something.

OP posts:
Ttcagainnow · 19/11/2024 17:44

If they are good friends then just be honest- money is tight so you're going to drive to save on travel cost and pay your own bill. It's really that simple! £80 is a lot you're right!

Tink3rbell30 · 19/11/2024 17:33

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 17:14

@Tink3rbell30 how is literally not being able to afford it "not a good excuse"?

She said she can pay for her own. So do that instead of making up lies.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/11/2024 17:32

Gingerlingerlonger · 19/11/2024 14:48

To be honest, I'd rather be suspected of feigning illness than have the stress of being pushed to pay more than I can afford for a bunch of friends I'm not that close to.

OP, you obviously don't want to go and clearly cannot afford to. So don't go. The sun will still rise and set the next day. It's not as big of a deal as being made out by the majority here. People do actually catch viruses, get called into work or have family emergencies etc. People who can't understand this, and always assume others are lying, don't deserve this much angst.

Just contact a couple of days before and tell them you have caught something nasty, don't want to spread it to the group and don't want to steal focus from the birthday girl by looking so obviously unwell.

You start with "to be honest", mention people who "always assume others are lying" and therefore "don't deserve this much angst" and go on to tell the OP to lie! Why not advise her to be honest if she's not going or come up with a way to make the evening affordable?

Tink3rbell30 · 19/11/2024 17:32

StaunchMomma · 19/11/2024 17:09

Some people find it embarrassing to bow out of rounds and bill splitting.

I'd personally rather not attend something rather than have to do that.

It's not OP's fault they've picked an expensive place to eat out.

Show quote history

Friends would understand though. Better to be honest than a liar, always leaves a bad taste.