To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

@horizoner well in my world a meal out would be something like Pizza Hut and if you have the buffet meal that's about £16 I think.

Well, some people do think a 40th birthday is a special occasion. OP should have insisted that she couldn't go when it was being arranged if she couldn't afford to go out. Some people, like me, go out very rarely but when we do we expect to pay for it. The cost of the Uber aside, £50 for dinner out at a proper restaurant is really not unusual. If she can't afford it at all, she should be honest and not lie to her friends. If she really can't be arsed in general, it won't matter if people are offended.

This is the problem with coming up with excuses that aren't genuine! They're your friends, they want you there, so of course they'll look for ways around them. It's only awkward for you, as you're the one telling porkies!

If you'd said "I can't afford that before Christmas" as soon as you were told the place name, fair dos. Now when you try to blag being ill on the day or whatever, the conversation will be "She was coming up with all kinds of excuses, I knew she didn't want to come".

Appreciate that some people might not have that money to spend but the OP signed up for a meal out, so how much realistically would you expect that to cost?

And it's widely acknowledged that a 40th birthday isn't just any old birthday hence why it's called a milestone.

@MadKittenWoman most people don't frequently have £50 to spend on a night out.
Plus 40th Birthday isn't really that special. It's just a birthday.

Bit of a drip feed, OP! That puts a different slant on it. If you couldn't afford it then you should have stood up for yourself and said no when it was being arranged.

This. It is a special event for your friend. Pulling out now is just rude. Is there no one else going who lives near you to save on transport costs? I you have to drive you could have a main course and one glass of something to toast her. Then just tell them that you're paying for your own apart from any contribution to the friend's food or drink.I'm also amazed at the number of people who are outraged that a night out with dinner would cost £50!

That is tricky. In that case you had probably better tell them you can't afford it.

Make an effort to what, pull money out of her arse? If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. No need for the pointless guilt trip. For a lot of people £80 is an obscene amount of money to spend on a single meal the month before Christmas.

@Moveoverdarlin not in my life it isn't.
There is no way I could afford £80 for a night out.
You should be thankful you are lucky enough to be able to afford that.

This would piss me off if it's for a big birthday you should make the effort. Has it been planned for a long time? If so you should have been putting money aside.

OP did say she'd only just seen the menu, in fairness.

I wouldn't have to, luckily. Plus for close mates I agree, you should be able to have those conversations.

It doesn't sound like this group of old friends are that close, though.

Not being able to afford it is a valid reason.

It just is trickier when, I assume, you knew when you accepted the invitation that it was a pricey place, and that it's before Christmas. The time to object or say it's too pricey was at that time.

You can still back out now, but it'll hit harder as you've waited a while to do it.

(And fwiw, I wouldn't want to go, either. I'd rather not spend more money than usual on dinner out unless there's a very good friend involved, or good food I'm looking forward to. It doesn't sound like either is the case here)

I don't get lying to your friends, I really don't.

If they're genuinely your friends, they'll understand and either offer to work something out or look forward to seeing you another time.

I understand that money is an awkward topic, but it can't be more awkward than getting caught out in a lie.

She's said at least twice that they're old friends and not that close anymore.

Best mates, sure. It doesn't sound like OP is happy to flag it, though.

So you've already tried to make more than one excuse to get out of this event? Not sure the organiser will believe you if you suddenly take ill on Sunday morning. Being truthful saying you can't afford it is probably going to cause fewest hurt feelings - it's honest but you've said you don't want to do that. If you don't have the money to cover the petrol and £40 for the food bill split then you can't go, but the handwringing suggests you could afford but would rather not spend on this event. It depends on whether you value that more than the friendship with this group and the feelings of the birthday girl having people flaking out last minute with thin excuses.

I think I'd say I'd got COVID and felt crap and was in bed. Hoping to go next time.

£80 is what some people have to live on for a week.

But it’s still a bit shit if you said you would be going.

Not for a Saturday night out it isn’t. Food drinks and a cab home? It’s really reasonable.

It’s for a friends ‘big’ birthday. Let’s hope the OP isn’t relying on the same friend to celebrate her birthday.

I think you should go. Its so crap being either the organiser or the person who's event it is and people drop out.

I'd drive to keep costs down and explain that I wasnt drinking (dont have to give a reason ) so would just be joining for the meal, and that you will pay for your own.

There was a long thread a few weeks ago from someone who had organised a party and people were just flaking out close to ..its really hurtful.

If you really cant bring yourself to go then I think you need to message the birthday girl and be honest that unfortunately, you had unexpected bill and just cant afford it. Dont insult her by making crap excuses, be honest about your situation

Go but leave before the pudding. That way, you can just leave the money for what you have had-they won't be calling for the bill before coffee and pudding, so won't have got to the dividing stage.

I would rather a friend mentioned that she can’t go for split bill than not come at all. If they’re friends they will understand and surely want you there.

Please don't make up a lie as an excuse. A friend did that to me. Similar circumstances small group of friends for a big birthday.

She messaged me & said her child wasn't well. I had my suspicions at the time it was a lie and found out later I was right. I was really hurt & it definitely changed the friendship

If she'd just said she couldn't make it, or couldn't afford it I'd have been fine with that and arranged to see her for coffee or lunch another time