To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

@Cynic17

ffs, of course she should apologise!

Oh enough!! So we're on the 4 Yorkshire men sketch now?!! 'Bones of my arse?!! I'd have loved to have arse bones!! Me dad sold 'em to rag man when ah were 2, didn't need 'em oop chimnee'!!

I find it rather depressing that so many of you feel the need to lie instead of being able to say that an evening out is out of your budget.

You need better friends.

No ones on the bones of their arse what a load of shite. People in the UK don't know what being on the bones of their arse means.

Yeah, every single one of the thousands of people out there who are literally on the bones of their arse are wasting their money on 'nails and fags'. Jesus wept.

She did try to decline the invitation, several times, as per the OP.

Quite frankly, if anyone over the age of about 12 was so invested in their birthday party that they would fall out with a friend who couldn't afford to attend, they're probably not worth spending much time on anyway.

I would email the birthday friend and be honest. I would apologise a lot and suggest a birthday drink for the two of you. She will be disappointed but a genuine and sincere apology goes a long way.

@namechangetheworld the OP said she is more strapped for cash than what the friends would be aware of so I don't think they are well aware and she also said they'd try to make it cheaper if she told them so I think it's a bit unfair to make out like they're well aware and don't give a shit

In which case they should say no in the beginning. It's not tone deaf at all, I don't know many people who can't save twenty quid a month, I'm sure they waste a lot of money on crap they don't need fags, nails ect too many people say they are skint when they aren't. I would think nothing of a friend saying in the beginning they can't come but lying because they didn't plan when they had loads of notice would piss me off. Your a shit friend if you pretend your kids ill to get out of plans.

And after being honest her friend will inevitably respond "oh don't worry, we'll all chip in for your share!"

Her friend will more than likely then forget, or be too drunk on the night to remember, and then the OP will be stuck in the shitty situation of being forced to awkwardly beg them for money, or pay a bill she can't afford.

She should 100% tell a white lie to get out of it.

@CandidFinch yes that's a valid point 🙂
However the OP can't afford £80 so if her friend cared that much she would choose a cheaper place to go to.
Unless this is a BBF since they were in nursery type friendship I doubt the birthday girl isn't that bothered if the OP is there or not.

No, 'everyone' can't put aside £20 a month, especially in the run up to Christmas, and it's tone deaf to suggest otherwise.

And plenty of people will be happy with a meal down the local pub for a 'big' birthday, if that's what fits their budget. Sounds like the OPs friends are well aware she's less well off than them, and didn't consider her finances when booking this - which makes them sound like crappy, thoughtless friends.

@CandidFinch jolly nice for you 🙂

Anyway....
Whether you think £80 is cheap, normal or expensive it doesn't matter.
All the OP needs to do is be honest.
No crappy lies about being ill.
No "I had an unexpected bill".
Just straight forward honestly.

The ‘food for the table’ setup sounds unusual, is it a Chinese banquet or something.

I would just message the organiser and tell her money’s a bit tight pre Christmas, you don’t want to let friend down but won’t be drinking / doing rounds.

Drive yourself, split the food, abstain from drinks, and if the organiser knows you are not splashing the cash they will hopefully hold back on the grand shared birthday gestures.

@horizoner sorry I might be wrong but I think the OP said it was an "off the beaten track" place.

FFS…

How is a half hour drive awkward? You're making it sound like she's got to go to the other side of the country!!

@MadKittenWoman yes but if I wanted to have certain friends there that badly I would make sure we go to a place we could all afford or I would pay for my friend.
I think I said upthread - what is more important to the birthday girl. Some food? Or friendship?

@Whippetlovely again it depends on what is normal in your lifestyle.
In my family and friends a meal at a pub is exactly the type of thing we do on a "milestone" birthday.
So if I was asked right now if I am available to celebrate cousin Bobs birthday next March I would probably say "yeah ok" . If I then found out nearer the time that's it's actually in an awkward to get to place and will cost about 80 quid I would have to say "Sorry Bob - but I can't afford that".

In your world, if you're happy with that, then that's great. In other worlds, people have different tastes and expectations, as I'm sure you can agree.

She said she was told awhile ago to save the date. She should have said no end of. People that make excuses are shitty friends. I've just spent 200 on a weekend away for a 40th it was planned months in advance so ppl can put £20 a month aside, you make the effort for people. Anyone with a brain knows a big birthday doesn't mean it's going to be down the local pub.

@MadKittenWoman that's what I have been saying since the start - tell the truth that it's too expensive and not make up a silly "I have COVID" lie.