Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

362 replies

Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 12:42

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 20/11/2024 20:23

supersop60 · 20/11/2024 19:21

As in 'not well'.
Is OP going to get worse over the next few days?

Show quote history

@supersop60

why can’t she go and not drink? Or go and order something cheap and just pay for her own meal? Etc etc

supersop60 · 20/11/2024 19:24

ilovesooty · 20/11/2024 19:15

Evidently yet another poster advocating lying about illness rather than facing up to the situation and dealing with it.

Show quote history

Mm. I would rather lie and say I was ill, than admit I was broke, and then have to rely on 'charity'. It's embarrassing.

supersop60 · 20/11/2024 19:21

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/11/2024 19:08

@supersop60

eh??

Show quote history

As in 'not well'.
Is OP going to get worse over the next few days?

ilovesooty · 20/11/2024 19:15

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/11/2024 19:08

@supersop60

eh??

Show quote history

Evidently yet another poster advocating lying about illness rather than facing up to the situation and dealing with it.

SouthMumof2 · 20/11/2024 19:12

You should go… sounds like you have a nice group of friends and it’s an important birthday. Life is too short not to see friends, socialise and have a good time. Can always cut back on Christmas if needs be?

Friend of mine just been diagnosed with cancer at 38 … you don’t know what round the corner for you or any of your friends. Go and enjoy life whilst you can!

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/11/2024 19:08

supersop60 · 20/11/2024 18:01

I think you're looking a bit peaky, OP.

@supersop60

eh??

venus7 · 20/11/2024 18:56

Cynic17 · 19/11/2024 12:46

Absolutely don't make an excuse! As suggested, just "sorry I can no longer attend. Have a good time". Don't apologise, either!

'Sorry' is apologising!

Rasputin123 · 20/11/2024 18:56

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/11/2024 12:45

This virus that’s going round is a (convenient) bastard. You don’t want to give it to anyone else, even if you could manage to stagger along.

Having only just recovered from this awful cough, sore throat, chills and extreme tiredness this would be a good one as no one will want that.

Alternatively, you could still go drive and put your big girl pants on and just speak up first and say not drinking and only paying for my share of food.

Mrsgreen100 · 20/11/2024 18:50

Don’t lie tell the truth, being strapped for cash is totally common thing
no shame

Needmorelego · 20/11/2024 18:49

@Skyrainlight sigh ....why should she have to lie.

Skyrainlight · 20/11/2024 18:43

There's a stinking cold and cough going around at the moment, I've had it for over a week. That could be your excuse.

Nanny1965 · 20/11/2024 18:23

Just be honest and say you had a re think and financially it's not do able. So you won't be going. Simple as that

asrl78 · 20/11/2024 18:08

namechangetheworld · 19/11/2024 20:29

Yeah, every single one of the thousands of people out there who are literally on the bones of their arse are wasting their money on 'nails and fags'. Jesus wept.

She did try to decline the invitation, several times, as per the OP.

Quite frankly, if anyone over the age of about 12 was so invested in their birthday party that they would fall out with a friend who couldn't afford to attend, they're probably not worth spending much time on anyway.

Show quote history

You can tell who gets their news from the Daily Mail :-).

supersop60 · 20/11/2024 18:01

I think you're looking a bit peaky, OP.

SereneFish · 20/11/2024 08:45

Sortumn · 19/11/2024 17:04

Unexpected bills/costs come up all the time. Things break, memberships auto renew and so on.

This month I suddenly realised I needed two new front tyres.
And then there was something I really need but was making do without in a black Friday sale at a price I couldn't pass up. So that was also a pleasant surprise/also unexpected.

Show quote history

Yes, they happen. But they haven't happened to the OP and so it's a lie. Confused

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 08:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

oviraptor21 · 20/11/2024 08:41

Whippetlovely · 19/11/2024 19:37

In which case they should say no in the beginning. It's not tone deaf at all, I don't know many people who can't save twenty quid a month, I'm sure they waste a lot of money on crap they don't need fags, nails ect too many people say they are skint when they aren't. I would think nothing of a friend saying in the beginning they can't come but lying because they didn't plan when they had loads of notice would piss me off. Your a shit friend if you pretend your kids ill to get out of plans.

Show quote history

The difference in this case is that OP said no and was then railroaded out of it.
I'd be upfront OP. Say it's too much money and you don't want others to fund you. You risk losing the group but maybe they're not such good friends if they're that insensitive to your situation.

ilovesooty · 19/11/2024 23:57

Magnastorm · 19/11/2024 23:39

This is why you don't make excuses or some bullshit lie.

If you don't want to go, you just say "sorry, I can't go", and you don't.

Show quote history

Exactly. But since you didn't decline firmly at the time you should be honest if you pull out now.

If you lie people will know you're lying.

The number of people suggesting lying and feigning illness doesn't surprise me. There seem to be a lot of people whose default is to lie rather than communicate honestly.

Magnastorm · 19/11/2024 23:39

Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 17:56

I tried to make an excuse initially, but the organiser just had a 'solution' for any potential reason not to go. It was awkward.

This is why you don't make excuses or some bullshit lie.

If you don't want to go, you just say "sorry, I can't go", and you don't.

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 21:59

@LuckySantangelo35 well yes obviously I understand that people like different types of restaurants. But you were the one who claimed "no one wants Pizza Hut".....well I'm one who would 😂😂😂🍕🍕🍕
(actually going for a meal out on my birthday doesn't exactly excite me - I'd rather do something else)

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/11/2024 21:42

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 21:31

@LuckySantangelo35 I love Pizza Hut. My next big birthday is the big 5 0 next year. I would be very very happy if I went to Pizza Hut.
(not sarcastic - genuine)

@Needmorelego

ok but you have to concede it would be most people’s idea of a good venue for a 40th or 50th birthday meal out with friends!

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 21:31

@LuckySantangelo35 I love Pizza Hut. My next big birthday is the big 5 0 next year. I would be very very happy if I went to Pizza Hut.
(not sarcastic - genuine)

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/11/2024 21:16

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 18:53

@horizoner well in my world a meal out would be something like Pizza Hut and if you have the buffet meal that's about £16 I think.

@Needmorelego

nooone wants Pizza Hut buffet as their 40th birthday meal with their friends!!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/11/2024 21:09

Nikitaspearlearring · 19/11/2024 13:38

It really isn't.

Show quote history

@Hoppinggreen

if you wanna lose all your mates maybe

Honestlyhon · 19/11/2024 21:01

This thread is now why I am decline things even when I feel like a dick doing so. I got invited to camping for a night a while ago for a "fun wine girl's night". Fuck no. I don't even drink. I said no thanks and explained why - I won't sleep and won't enjoy it.

Yes, I felt a bit weird and even mean saying it, but because I had been honest there was nothing anyone could say. Now I don't have to make up an excuse or live in dread of it coming up.