To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

One of my friends pleaded sick pet at a 40th birthday get together. We've never really let them forget it and in 6 years since I don't think we've seen them but we've not dropped each other entirely.
Eeeshk 'you can't sit with us' mean girling still going on?!

Just message the group on the day and say you’ve got a migraine and it won’t shift or there is loads of cold bugs going around. I’m sure they’ll understand if they are close friends. Mine would

And you’ve never let them forget it?

Jeeeez

Why say you’d go in the first place? £40-50 for a meal out and drinks is pretty standard and you knew from the start when it was in relation to Xmas. Whatever you say now doesn’t make you look great and saying you are ill people probably suspect you are lying whatever anyone says. People like this are very annoying, just say no in the first place.
You should either go or you should be honest and say that you have now changed your mind and decided it’s too expensive especially with everyone splitting the bill, they’ll probably say for you to pay for yourself only and then you should do that rather than let people down at the last minute, how would you feel if it was your birthday?

Good for you. £80 not including drinks is not a cheap night out for me!

These are old friends so in other words friends you have had for a long time and you can’t just be honest with them? Are you sure the friendship hasn’t fizzled out?

Separate bill please for the dinner..,as not eating much/dietary restrictions don't leave much option and your bill is significantly cheaper..Or not eat and eat at home before going out ...and ask for seperate bill or bar tab just for your drinks so you can tally up units/ costs.
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I think OP is getting a hard time here. She accepted a save the date invitation. She did not know that the friend's "orgsniser" was going to book somewhere hard to get to and expensive. When she did find out she tried to back out but it seemed they wouldn't take "no" for an answer and kept discounting her polite excuses.

It's not going to work that she just pays for what she eats and drinks water because it's not a la carte but food for the table and possibly I would think some chipping in for alcohol for the table. I imagine people might order a few extra sides as well and who knows how much alcohol is going to be bought for the table. And they will possiby want to cover the cost of the birthday woman's meal. It is not the sort of place where she can drop in for a drink at the end, not to mention being miles away.

I think taking into account the transport and the ordering for the table it's likely to turn into a very expensive evening. I think the organiser has been tone deaf to have set this up this way just before Christmas and refused to listen to OP's attempts to decline.

Let's be clear the woman is not hosting a gathering for her birthday and inviting her friends. She has simply booked an expensive restaurant in a not very convenient location and invited her friends to pay for what is no doubt going to a very expensive affair. This is just before Christmas in the middle of a cost of living crisis. I don't think OP should be going short at Chistmas and having to skimp on presents, food and/or heating to go to this dinner for people she is no longer that close to.

Given the fact that they seem to have the sensitivity of bricks, just tell them you have covid, feel dreadful and wouldn't of
dream of infecting them all.

No I think it's crap to cancel on someone's special birthday.

I'd message the organiser and say you're looking forward to it but money is tight. Is there another way to do the bill? I'd say you're driving if anyone wants a lift even from the train station or whatever. I'm sure they will work something out for you.

Could you say that you can't afford it because you've got an unexpected car bill? It's a half truth, and something that has actually happened to me.

@TheMamaLife

”enjoy your night in” well, she isn’t really is she - a night at home in front of the telly is hardly comparable to a night out with friends is it?! Poor Op

I think "something has come up" would simply mean a clash in plans with something else, I can't think how else to phrase it without it being too exact (therefore a lie) or far too formal like "due to circumstances beyond my control" .

If the person organising the event wants to query it they could ring her if so worried, (and THEN maybe OP would have to admit she simply could not afford it if she wanted to be honest) but I think she would have to be incredibly pushy to do so, most people would simply accept the reason given. I have seen similar responses to my "something has come up" in group texts before and thought nothing sinister about it.

I think a lot of us live in very different worlds. I have loads of friends who simply cannot justify that much money no matter how close the friend was. If any of my friends couldn't make it due to money I would know they've had to prioritise other things and I simply would not place a value judgment on our friendship.
Sometimes can't can look like only being able to justify putting unavoidable expenses on the credit card or going into overdraft for. Some will not have savings or credit facilities.

If they said they couldn't make it because something had come up, I'm likely to be concerned that it's something bad. So bad that they're unable to talk about it at that time.

Just wondered, maybe the birthday girl secretly has plans to pick up the whole tab for everyone on the night? I have an old friend who, about 15 years ago, arranged for about 30 of us to attend her 40th dinner and dance, with a live band, in a cozy restaurant. We had assumed we would be paying our own way, and budgeted accordingly, but were surprised when we were told she had paid the whole bill (yes, she was quite wealthy, but all the same!) so that was a very pleasant surprise. Of course, you have to be prepared to cover costs if you do decide to go and it's not a 'free' night out.

I think the estimated meal cost is only slightly dearer than a typical meal out, but if you end up paying for the birthday girl and added drinks, and Uber then you could be looking at total of about £100. I guess it depends on how much you like this person and the whole group, as bailing out might be seen as a rebuff by your friend, but if you could afford it I'm sure it would be appreciated, as you said that you have been talked out of pulling out with your previous excuses, so it sounds like she really wants you there. let us know if you end up going or not, I would like to know how you get on.

As previously suggested, just say you are unable to go now without specifying a reason. You could put it like this "I'm so sorry, I can't make it now, something has come up - hope you all have a brilliant night without me"

You're not really 'fibbing', as something HAS come up - the reality of the cost of this night out not fitting in with your budget at present.

It is a shame to miss out on a special birthday meal, but if you are more concerned about the expense then sharing celebration with the birthday person, then they can't be that special to you and you wouldn't be at ease on the night anyway worrying about how much the end bill is going to cost you.

The op didn't make it clear that it was a set menu so I think that changes things.

If there's no way to order as an individual I would then go with saying that I didn't have the cash this month. If this feels embarrassing, I would tell whatever white lie made me feel more comfortable with saying I didn't have the money. As in having some extra expenses this month that's made cash a bit tight until it evens out in the new year.
I think that's a better approach than making up an excuse - that will be fairly obvious. Women aren't daft and I think treating other women as if they were born yesterday stinks.

If they offer to pay for you be ready to say that's really kind but would feel uncomfortable and you'd prefer to sit it out.

Can you not just drive don't drink say you are on Anti biotics or something, I quite enjoy the non alcohol lagers . Quite often driven to parties and events because taxis so hard to get where I used to live.

If it's going to be such hard work trying to get out of it then just go.

You might enjoy it more than you think.

Don’t over think it. Just say you’re sick.

You don’t need to tell the truth. They’ll never know you’re lying - no harm done to anyone. And anyway, they stopped giving out gold stars for unnecessarily heroic honesty.

You’re broke right now, you don’t want to make a big deal about it, and your don’t fancy going out with this group of friends.. just flake on them, big whoop..

If you were my friend, and you lied to me, I wouldn’t care, because i wouldn’t know you lied.. other posters who have the opposite view need to stop being so idealistic. Being broke isn’t fun and sometimes we don’t always want to make a big deal about it. So don’t. It’s your personal shit, no one needs to know - you shouldn’t be forced to talk about it. End of!

Enjoy your night in and have a lovely Christmas.

I don't understand splitting the bill within large groups, especially if it's somewhere pricey. Just pay for what you ordered. Why contribute towards what you didn't eat or drink?

You don't have to accept charity though.

If you were my friend I would rather you told me you were broke than lied to me. I would feel quite insulted if you felt you had to lie.

I agree with this, but understand if you really can't afford it.

As it's a Sunday (who does big birthday meals on a Sunday?!) could you say you won't be drinking as you need to be fresh for work. Might save a bit.

She doesn't have to accept charity.

I can't abide liars though.

Exactly what I would say, sorry I'm sick. I can't keep anything down.

Out of interested why are you saying don't apologise. It's so rude. If you're letting people down of course you apologise. Having said that you started your quote with "sorry" so that's confusing too