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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

362 replies

Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 12:42

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 13:16

Alphaalga · 19/11/2024 13:13

Couldn't you start out early and walk? 😃

It's 20 miles away Confused

OP posts:
Stirrednshaken · 19/11/2024 13:15

If it's a small group and you've agreed it's a bit shitty to drop out completely. I'd drive, say you've had a bit of a dodgy stomach so only want plain food and just order some breads or a bowl of triple cooked chips if it's a posh one. And water.

SereneFish · 19/11/2024 13:14

Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 12:46

It's not a big group which makes it feel more of a let down. I feel really bad.

You should go unless it would cause you hardship, which it doesn't sound like it will. You must know how shit it feels when friends cancel on you, especially for a special occasion.

Alphaalga · 19/11/2024 13:13

Couldn't you start out early and walk? 😃

Original poster
Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 13:12

Lindjam · 19/11/2024 12:54

Can you drive and are just getting Uber because of drinking?

If so, I would still go but drive and get a lower bill as a non drinker. If you can’t drive, is there no public transport to get there at least and just get Uber back? How do you get around normally?

It a 'unique' location which is hard to get public transport to. I could drive it, it's a long way.

OP posts:
ObtuseMoose · 19/11/2024 13:10

Cynic17 · 19/11/2024 12:46

Absolutely don't make an excuse! As suggested, just "sorry I can no longer attend. Have a good time". Don't apologise, either!

Surely saying 'sorry I can no longer attend' is an apology? That's what sorry means.

Original poster
Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 13:08

The event was arranged as a save the date. Details of venue which is expensive to eat/drink and expensive to get to was confirmed much later. I did initially try to decline but it was made difficult to do.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/11/2024 13:03

I'd just message the group and say you're looking forward to seeing everyone but money is a bit tight, so you will drive / not drink / just have a main and get your own separate bill, and you hope that's OK. If they say no then drop out. But to not go at this stage, to something that you could have checked up front, is a bit shit

FourEyesGood · 19/11/2024 13:03

Motheranddaughter · 19/11/2024 12:58

I don't think it's nice to drop out when you have agreed to go
What if everyone did that and the birthday girl was left all alone
Ask for a separate bill ,others might be glad to do that too
And maybe next time suggest a cheaper option fr

Agree with this. I bet there will be others who would be glad to pay separately (I would!).

Motheranddaughter · 19/11/2024 12:58

from the beginning

Motheranddaughter · 19/11/2024 12:58

I don't think it's nice to drop out when you have agreed to go
What if everyone did that and the birthday girl was left all alone
Ask for a separate bill ,others might be glad to do that too
And maybe next time suggest a cheaper option fr

Original poster
Rebeccaa1996 · 19/11/2024 12:58

They are old friends but not terribly close friends these days. With my close friends we would just go somewhere less costly. It's a 40th birthday celebration and the organiser had pride in organising something special so I don't want to hurt the feelings of both the birthday and the organiser.

OP posts:
Whothefuckdoesthat · 19/11/2024 12:58

If your friend means a lot to you and you could afford to pay for yourself, I think I’d be honest with her and then subtlety ask the venue for a separate bill (maybe even going to the bar and paying for yours while everyone is having pudding). You could say that you were paying separately because someone had given you a voucher for the venue you wanted to use. Nobody would expect you to use a gift to pay for them.

If it would be tight to even cover your own cost, then I’d go with mumps or shingles a couple of days beforehand. You’d have to Google it for how long it would last for, and how long you have to stay quiet for, but it’s enough to make you feel ropey, even when not contagious.

MorettiForMargo · 19/11/2024 12:57

TheFunHare · 19/11/2024 12:51

There is no shame in not having lots of cash. Just let the birthday person know you had some unexpected costs this month and for that reason you need to watch your final bill and is it OK not to split it. It seems so common now to let people down at the last minute which is just a bit mean after all the planning that goes into organising those things and the fact that she may have had to put down a per head deposit.

I totally agree with this.

Is Uber the only option OP? Could you catch a lift with someone else? If it's alcohol related could you stay on soft drinks all night and drive?

mossylog · 19/11/2024 12:55

TheFunHare · 19/11/2024 12:51

There is no shame in not having lots of cash. Just let the birthday person know you had some unexpected costs this month and for that reason you need to watch your final bill and is it OK not to split it. It seems so common now to let people down at the last minute which is just a bit mean after all the planning that goes into organising those things and the fact that she may have had to put down a per head deposit.

I think this is the way. Your friends like you and want to see you — they would rather you were there and made the bill slightly more complicated than you weren't there at all.

Lindjam · 19/11/2024 12:54

Can you drive and are just getting Uber because of drinking?

If so, I would still go but drive and get a lower bill as a non drinker. If you can’t drive, is there no public transport to get there at least and just get Uber back? How do you get around normally?

Blinked00 · 19/11/2024 12:54

Cynic17 · 19/11/2024 12:46

Absolutely don't make an excuse! As suggested, just "sorry I can no longer attend. Have a good time". Don't apologise, either!

Honestly if one of my good friends just said this I'd wonder how good friends we actually are. Surely for a good friend you'd at least apologise and say so sorry XYZ has come up??

TeenGreenBottles · 19/11/2024 12:52

I don't think it's nice to flake out fairly last minute because you haven't budgeted for it. It's not like it's a big surprise.

Go, and drive, and say at the outset that you'll just pay for yours, and just have a cheap option.

StrawberrySquash · 19/11/2024 12:51

Don't lie. It's really depressing when people actually are ill and drop out as you feel like you can't trust them.

Either tell the truth or just say you can't make it. And don't do it last minute.

TheFunHare · 19/11/2024 12:51

There is no shame in not having lots of cash. Just let the birthday person know you had some unexpected costs this month and for that reason you need to watch your final bill and is it OK not to split it. It seems so common now to let people down at the last minute which is just a bit mean after all the planning that goes into organising those things and the fact that she may have had to put down a per head deposit.

3luckystars · 19/11/2024 12:51

I don’t understand it being far away is a problem, you still have to go there and back, just less time in the middle.

Can you go and not drink?

Do you drive?

BigDahliaFan · 19/11/2024 12:51

In similar situations with a group, long standing friends, someone has said, I'm just paying for what I've had, and it's been fine, handy to say it first to someone supportive and sensible who'll back you up. We have one person who is our 'accountant' and always does the bill splitting and would understand.

LizzieBowesLyon · 19/11/2024 12:50

“Really sorry but some of my circumstances have changed since we arranged this and I simply can’t make it. Have a brilliant time, love to catch up soon.”

Needmorelego · 19/11/2024 12:48

I'd be honest. Say it's too expensive.
If these are close friends they should be understanding.

theeyeofdoe · 19/11/2024 12:48

Cynic17 · 19/11/2024 12:46

Absolutely don't make an excuse! As suggested, just "sorry I can no longer attend. Have a good time". Don't apologise, either!

Why wouldn't you apologise? You've agreed to go out for a friends big birthday and now you're flaking out.

I think you should go OP. Better to say that you're a bit broke and would like a separate bill than not go at all.