To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

I really feel for you OP.

I have a friend with more money than me who is regularly asking to go out, do a spa day, dropping hints about the theatre. We went out recently for her birthday and the bill was over £80 each. We had a lovely time, but I thought I’d been sensible when I’d budgeted £50. I’m now paying for it for the rest of the month and it’s really put me off doing it again.

The problem is it’s difficult to explain without making other people feel bad, and sometimes they will blame you for making them feel bad.

I think the advice to drive and make sure you at least buy a drink for the birthday friend is good. But you will need to stick to it and not get guilted into anything and make sure you have fun and don’t let your worries about the situation put a damper on anything.

maybe ask the organiser in advance if they’re planning to do anything for the birthday friend, like cover her bill, so you can make sure you feel like you can contribute fairly.

Splitting the bill makes it tricky, as you aren't going to be able to stick to a budget. If others are drinking, and add on the birthday person's food/ drink (as its sometimes custom to not let people pay on their big day), it can add up.

I've been in this position, and if you've been told about the event long in advance, and they've made it difficult to say no.... they might get upset about you not saving in advance. (Sounds petty but I know some people who would get upset if I told them I couldn't afford it)

I would either say you're ill on the day, or just say sorry I can't make it. Neither is ideal, and some would disagree, but thats me .

This is what could have been said when the invites went out, not to close friends as an excuse a few days before the dinner.

Just be truthful, u had no idea of the cost and it’s out of yr budget.

Absolutely this. Just be honest. Why would you lie/feign illness/ not show up without a reason to a close friend on a big birthday? I'm glad some of the PPs are not my friend!

Why?
Doesn't upset anyone (as long as its beleiveable) and might actually protect some peoples feelings
I don't do it because I rarely agree to things I don't want to do but in some cases it is the best option if you don't want to get into your finances or give other personal information.

It’s an invite, not a summons - you won’t enjoy yourself for worrying about costs, so just say that - as you’d originally told them - you won’t be able to go.

Send a nice message maybe along the lines:

So sorry I won't be able to join you this time, but sure you'll have a great evening. Look forward to the pics!

I've had this before OP and I put a message like " I can't wait for this but heads up- I'm skint at the mo so I'd like to just pay for my own and I'll only have something little- don't need anyone to help me out- I'll still love being with you all"
Turns out, loads of people said they were relieved and also had wanted to broach the subject but didn't know how to!

I’m really shocked at how many people would agree to go, then fake an illness at the last moment, I think that’s disgusting behaviour.

@rocketgal yes plenty of eating places near where I live that I could get a meal for under £20.
I live in London by the way.

I was thinking this.
Remember the Friends episode where the poorer 3 were asked to contribute to the full cost of an expensive meal, including covering the birthday person's costs (Ross 🤔)

I wouldn't go at all to be honest.

I would say:
"Ah really sorry guys, unfortunately i'm not going to be able to make this after all 😔Love to the birthday girl, Hope you all have a fabulous time and catch up with you all in the new year"

I would drop a repeat similar note to the birthday girl on her birthday aswell, wishing her well.

Making people think you are going and then lying about it is way ruder than just being honest. People aren't daft, it's obvious when people do this.

Hello @Rebeccaa1996,

There is a big and nasty cold/flu type bug going round right now ... I have just had it, my best friend just had it as did her husband and the kids too ... and we were all meant to go out together to celebrate a big birthday at the w/e ... sadly we had to cancel as we were all too ill!

It lasted a good two weeks too ... you know what to do OP ... just don't go and do not give yourself the stress of it all.

It is OK to say no OP.

x

You are very thoughtful and genuine OP and I can totally understand that you can't justify this amount of money just b4 xmas. Given your thoughtfulness, I think it would be best if you told them u can't make it this time and leave it at that

@Needmorelego no need, hopefully they're within a five mile radius of where you live too

I’m sorry but that says more about your friends then the person that left.

if it's a big group it won't be so bad not going as plenty of people still will. If money is tight, I wouldn't spend that either. Covid is still doing the rounds...

Someone did that at my friend's Hen meal (Michelin starred restaurant), which was fine in principle.

But people were a bit pissed off after she left that she hadn't contributed to the friend's share or the tip as it made everyone elses contribution go up. If she'd have left some cash on the table towards it then that would have went down much better. So if you did this OP just remember to leave some cash with the organiser before you leave.

If they're your friends then just tell the truth. You want to but will be driving. That immediately saves you £60-80 and makes the dinner more doable.

honestly I prefer to just pay for a friend and actually get to see them, than not see them at all

Yes, I would do this if I was in this situation. If i could afford it, I’d take a gift a few days later eg bottle of Prosecco.

The other alternative is to drive, not drink, and pay your own way - but that can be awkward. The worst is just to say you can no longer go. That looks rude to me - like you’re not prioritising it.

We just got an email from school to say hand, foot and mouth is doing the rounds at the moment. Maybe you'll catch it.

@rocketgal plenty of places. I'm not going to list them for you.

Suggest " No Thanks, I can't afford it"