To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

And I'd hate my friends to lie about having a medical procedure to get out of something. That's not ok

Yeh I agree. Whatever you do @Rebeccaa1996 please tell the truth. You owe your friends that at least. I would either:
Go and eat minimally, drink soft drinks and drive
Or
Cancel NOW, saying I'm really sorry, but it's just going to cost too much for me right before Christmas. Hope you have a lovely time.

Cannot believe all these people saying lie and say you have some lurgy etc. Most of these excuses would be last minute surely which is even worse than cancelling now.

Drive to the event. Pay for your own food. Speak to organiser in advance to let them know you'll be needing to do this

It's really shabby to sign up for an event and then feign illness on the day. To those of you recommending it - shame on you and think how you'd feel if it happened to you

@rocketgal the OP has already tried to decline though and says it was “made difficult.” If this had been accepted she wouldn’t have had to ask on here for excuses. I’d hate to put my friends under pressure to attend an event they didn’t want to or couldn’t afford.

@DaniMontyRae you obviously live in a very different world to me because there's no way I could afford £50 on a meal out and I'm not on the "breadline" - just an ordinary modest family income.
This is all down to what's more important to the friend celebrating her birthday - some food or friendship.

Ask for your food/drink to be calculated on a separate bill.

Then you'll find out which ones are real friends

You're apologising here though

You could drive and not drink and mention that you will only be paying for what you have. I can't believe I'm seeing this again. We are in the middle of an economic crisis and Christmas is around the corner and there's still the expectation that everyone chips into meals and drinks. I've been caught out like this as a younger woman but never again!

If they force it this is unreasonable and you say you can't make it.

OP, I'd like to think that I'd have the balls to send a message to the group saying that you will be paying sperately, as you'll be driving and not drinking, and you are mindful of costs at this time of year. Because I firmly believe split bills are indefensible. Unless everyone is careful to keep things relatively equal (and some people understandably don't want to be curtailed when they go out) they usually benefit some people at the expense of others. Those who benefit are, at best, thoughtless (because you just never know other people's financial circumstances), and at worst CFs. And those who suffer are cowed into not speaking up through embarrassment and not wanting to make a fuss.

But while I would think all this, in reality I'd make up an excuse and think "sod it".

I'm with you @rocketgal I'm watching this thread with a kind of morbid fascination - can't believe how some people treat their friends, and think that it's totally fine to do so!

Wow. Just wow. This thread has made me really grateful for my friends and made me think perhaps I'm really lucky with my friendship group if people are like this!

I think if you’re presence would be appreciated message organiser, explain you’re on a budget so you’d like to come but youlk be driving and not drinking and just pay for your share. I really think most people would be fine with this. I’ve dined out many times in mixed groups with people who I’d assume are quite affluent and there is normally at least one or two who do this (ie don’t drink, ask for seperate bill) and it’s fine and I don’t give it a second thought.

It's the cost of 3 courses plus drink in a chain restaurant. I don't think it's "VERY expensive for many many people", it's expensive for those on the breadline. And like the OP said, that's the estimated cost if she split the bill, which suggests she can do it much cheaper. She could also cover the cost of the meal by driving rather than getting an uber. So it sounds like the friend has chosen something people can afford.

If cancelling I’d do it now rather than on the day. Just in case others drop out at last minute and there’s a few empty chairs at the table which will be worse.

Maybe you’ve just had a last minute phone call offering you a long-awaited day procedure as someone else has cancelled? You’ll be too groggy from the sedation. Or if you want to wait till the day of the dinner, you’ve just had an emergency house problem & the plumber is on the way/running late.

If you feel guilty (I wouldn’t), could you contact the venue and leave money behind the bar for a fancy cocktail for birthday person? I know you mentioned money issues but it’s still cheaper than attending.

Is this honestly how you'd treat a close friend @LookItsMeAgain? I find that really sad tbh and I'd hate it if I had a close friend who acted like that toward me right before a big birthday celebration.

Are you 100% certain the bill will be evenly split? My friend had a birthday celebration in a very expensive steak house. I had fish, as I don't eat red meat, and I also had no dessert so my friends reduced my portion of the bill without me asking.

You have access to a car, it's only 20 miles so if I valued the friendship, I'd drive there, not drink (well maybe 1 to celebrate), not eat, and say that you need to keep costs down but still want to wish birthday girl a happy birthday. I'd at least provide that option to the birthday girl and see what they say. I would be really upset if I thought a friend didn't come because I'd chosen somewhere they couldn't afford. I'd rather they still came and I had their company. Though I would just insist on paying for them, as an IOU (if they're resistant) to be reciprocated at a later date.

I’m really uncomfortable with this. If I received this I’d assume the “friend” was just uninterested and I’d probably be hurt.

I'd post a message on the group chat saying "Hi - unfortunately I won't be able to make the meal for X on Saturday after all. Have lots of fun and I'll probably end up catching up with you all over the Christmas and festive period. So sorry about this. All the best @Rebeccaa1996 "

If they keep hassling you, reply with "I've already said that I can't make it. I'd rather not have to explain as it's for personal reasons. Please do have a lovely time though and I can't wait to see photos on instagram about it"

Anyone who might keep hassling you about it I'd say "Look, I've been polite in saying that I can't go. I don't understand why you can't just leave it now as it's getting embarrassing for you to keep asking. It's really none of your business at this point so let's drop it"

Or something like that. I wouldn't make up an excuse, just be vague in the reason you give. It's none of their business when it comes to your finances.

I would be upfront and honest but keep it short. I'd say that cash is tight and so ill need to pay for my own items to keep my cost down, rather than splitting the bill.
When the bill comes, you pay for yours and everyone splits the balance. Even if they chose to buy the birthday person an expensive drink you've been clear that you're paying for what you've ordered.

There should be no awkwardness as it's all been made clear upfront and there's no shame in saying cash is tight. It's an expensive time of year and there has been huge cost of living increases. Many more people are feeling it than ever before.

@DaniMontyRae £40-50 is VERY expensive for many many people.
If I wanted to celebrate with friends that badly I'd arrange a get together at McDonald's if that's all we could afford.
It's all very well saying that's what she "wants" to celebrate a big birthday - but most people have to choose what they can actually afford.

Just tell the truth. I've got other financial priorities right now, I should have told you sooner. But didn't know how.

It's only 20 miles away and the OP drives - that's hardly awkward - and £40-£50 for a meal and drink out is not that expensive, either. Given the OP says that would be splitting the cost, it seems the OP could do it even cheaper, perhaps just main meal and soft drink.

Where should the birthday girl have celebrated? Because if £40 is deemed expensive that basically leaves nando's or the harvester. Not exactly what many people want for a big birthday.

I would just make an excuse for not joining the dinner but go and join in for the drinks part - you can then participate a lot more cheaply and still celebrate the birthday friend.