To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

*sure

Thanks for the update OP

I find it rare that you regret going to something but hard to motivate yourself sometimes! I'm that your friend really appreciated you making the effort

Glad to hear you went and enjoyed it. I guess remember this next time you're tempted to cancel. I bet your friends appreciated you being there.

Nice update.

I am the same OP. I get really bad anxiety about something I know will be fun.

I am ND though. Dyspraxia and possibly ADHD.

Glad you enjoyed it! I am the same with things planned way ahead, I always get a bit anxious or tired nearer the time at the thought of going, but usually things go well. It's often the things I DO really look forward to that end up being disappointing 😕

Nice to hear you had a good time.

I’m a little like that too.. I look forward to plans made but then as the date draws near, I suddenly feel that I don’t want to go and think of a million reasons why I can’t.. but I never regret it when I do force myself to go!

@Rebeccaa1996 did you go?

If you can’t afford it then don’t go. If you really like the friend you could invite her out at a later date for coffee and cake, or get her a card and a small gift. There is a good chance that costs will spiral if this is an expensive place. You might end up being expected to also participate in alcoholic rounds and quite often the birthday person doesn’t pay for anything (the friends buy it all as a birthday treat). Has anyone paid a deposit already per head or can the group just turn up and pay? If they need to pay a deposit per head then you can’t really drop out last minute (it will need to be earlier). If no one has paid a deposit etc then you could just feign illness on the day and make your apologies.

@Needmorelego

yeah but there are ways that OP can still make it and have less outlay, she can spend less than the others.

@LuckySantangelo35 no one should spend money they can't spare to maintain friendship.
That's not friendship.

@Needmorelego

we all have to put ourselves out sometimes to maintain our friendships, that’s life 🤷‍♀️

@Needmorelego agree but you could join after dinner and not really spend anything at all. As I said there are ways around it if you wanted to be there and I don't think the OP did. Like you said maybe they're not that close. Assume she'll return the favour and wouldn't invite them to any of her occasions

@rocketgal yes but £50 is still too much if you simply haven't got a spare £50.

@Needmorelego I don't think a half hour drive is too difficult for the OP but obviously you disagree and as I said, there are ways of making it more affordable. The OP said she is more strapped for cash than her friends would know so it's not like they know she's struggling and have picked to go somewhere mega pricey. The OP said she's looking at £40-£50 for the meal which is what you'd pay in any high street chain so it's not like she's picked a Michelin star restaurant!

@rocketgal If the birthday girl really thought the OP was so important to her and wanted her there that badly she should have made sure the venue and event was affordable for everyone.
The OPs said is this is a group of old friends she's had for years but not ones she's especially close with - so it's not like she's missing the event of the year anyway.

@Needmorelego I wouldn't want a friend to put themselves out of pocket but everyone came up with ways of cutting the costs right back to the OP and it didn't seem like she was interested. Milestones are normally events you want to share with close friends and the people who matter to you. I think maybe the birthday girl considered the OP to be a better friend than what she did. Personally I think where there's a will there's a way. I wouldn't miss a close friends special birthday as it's a privilege to be invited and shows that the birthday girl considers you to be an important person in their life. If it came to it, I'd eat beforehand and drive and not drink but judging by most of the comments on here most people can't be bothered and would just say they're ill. Then you have daily threads from people saying I don't have any friends, how do I make friends as an adult. You get out what you put in. I always show up for friends even when I really don't feel like it but the flip side is people show up for me. I'm sure all these people saying just say you're ill are the people who will be crying on here that everyone's dropped out of their event or let them down and they can't understand why.

@rocketgal ok yes it is a milestone of sorts but only to the birthday person really. Not to the friend who can't afford a meal out to celebrate. I did do special things on my 30th and 40th - but they were for me and I wouldn't have expected a friend to financially suffer to celebrate it .

@LuckySantangelo35 people on MN don't seem to consider any of the milestone birthdays a thing. Apparently it's just another day. Weird because if you go in any card shops, all of the gifts are for 30/40/50... not 39 or 47 but apparently this doesn't exist in the MN bubble!

@Needmorelego

its not about that what you can do when turning 40. It’s the end of your thirties, end of that decade. So yeah why not celebrate?! 🍾

@LuckySantangelo35 why?
What can you do at 40 that you can't do at 39?
Yes it's a "0" number but it's not really a big life changing one.
(HTH 😁)

@Needmorelego

it is a big birthday. Hth.

@MrsB74 £50 is not "nothing" if you're on a low income 🙄
40 really isn't amazingly special. What can you do at 40 that you can't do at 39?
18 is special because that's adulthood.
50 cos it's half a century.
100 it's a pretty special one.
40 is just.......40 😂

In what world is 40 not a big birthday? Most nights out are extortionate these days, £50 is nothing if a half decent meal is involved.

OP tell the truth! Too many people drop out of things now, it’s just rude and lying makes it worse. You could absolutely tell them you are driving, so not drinking, and only want to pay for what you have - that is not unreasonable and given the price of everything these days hardly surprising. If you don’t want to go you should have declined in the first place.

Agree - everyone understands this, and if it was your birthday you'd prefer it if your friend opted for this rather than dropping out.