Man at bus stop

You have to be firm. He has taken you to be a friend since he sees you often so is approaching you as one. My son used to be like this, though constant redirection, repetition and reminding him that he is in personal space has made him much more aware though friends and family. It is harmless but not any less unnerving for a stranger. If someone talked to my son then they were his friend and if he saw them regularly then he would be excited to see them and get too close, just because he couldn't wait to see them and talk to them. He practically sat on a poor blokes knee at the bus stop he sat so close to him. Apparently he talks to him regularly and I had to remind him that sitting that close is inappropriate and to keep his bubble to himself. I also told the bloke he is autistic and doesn't understand subtle hint or social niceties, so if he bothers him or gets too close to please tell him and not in a round about way. Please tell the man he is welcome to talk to you but he isn't to touch your arm even if it is warm. He may have a slow processing speed too so instructions must be simple and 1 at a time. He goes to come too close say too close, stay there, then continue. He won't take offence. You aren't being unreasonable at all about your feelings just be very direct.

This is the problem when people (usually girls) are raised to be nice and polite and smiley. When they’re adults people (usually men) take advantage of that.

It doesn’t matter what his issues are it’s time to drop the smiling, waving and niceties. Say ‘No I don’t want to talk so please leave me alone now’ or hold your hand up and say ‘don’t come any closer.’

I’m afraid like it or not you’ve got to get shitty - he won’t get the message otherwise. Men are generally fixated on their own wants and needs and it’s only curtness that breaks through.

And just remember this experience if and when you’re raising daughters.

If he has learning difficulties, other posters are right, he is not going to understand hints about social boundaries unless you are very clear.

”Please could you move away from me, you are too close”, “I want to read now, please go and sit down over there”, “you are standing too close to me, please move back two paces”. “I asked you to move back, please do not keep moving closer again”. “I don’t want you to touch my sleeve, please let go and go and sit down over there, and stay there until the bus comes”.

He’s unlikely to be offended by this, if you are using clear language.

I sympathise, when I was 14 there was a man with obvious learning difficulties who used to follow me around the bus station as I waited to go home from school, and was oblivious to me awkwardly moving away from him. Then one day he decided I was his girlfriend (after all of our “dates” at the bus station) and lunged at me, pinning me against a wall, sticking his tongue down my throat, and groping me. It really traumatised me, I was a small 14 year old and he was much much bigger and stronger, and I only got away when my bus arrived. There’s a lot I should have done differently in retrospect, but I didn’t want to be mean.

Maybe tell him you don’t like anybody being close to you so you can deliver your message without being too personal. If he keeps crossing lines you’ll have to tell him straight that it’s inappropriate and to keep his distance

He's adopted you as a friend, lonely not so bright people can get very attached to people who are just being casually polite. I don't know if his intentions are more than that which is where it gets scary. Is there anyone else at the bus stop you could strike up a conversation with? Even explain that 'that guy' is making me uncomfortable. Could you walk to the next stop if it's not far or start/finish work 15 minutes earlier or later to miss him at the bus stop. Get someone from work come and stand with you until the bus comes for a few days until he hopefully loses interest. Otherwise you may have to be really rude to put him off, but he could react unpredictably and might get angry.

'I want to handle it sensitively'

Well there's your problem.

Be fine and tell him to stop standing so close etc.

Having learning difficulties isn't an excuse to harass and intimidate.

Think about it this way: be clear and direct is kind because you're helping him to understand what is appropriate and what's not.

I have a sibling with a learning disability and over the years a few of his friends have invaded my personal space and/ or tried to touch me when I don't want them to, and I've learnt to say very clearly "that's inappropriate behaviour Gavin, I want you to stop doing that now", it always goes down absolutely fine.

In your case it already seems to have gone a bit further than that though and I think you probably need to say something like "turning up outside of my work is not acceptable and I don't feel comfortable chatting with you anymore, if this happens again I might need to speak to the police okay?" I would also tip off your work about what's happening just to be on the safe side.

Balaclava or baseball cap and sunglasses, with your hair tucked in.

Maybe with a disguise he won't recognise you 😂

My sister has learning disabilities and can act very socially unacceptable, wanting to cuddle
strangers, speaking to absolutely everyone and
asking very personal questions.
i tell her to stop, and if she does it to others who look uncomfortable, I tell them to just tell her to stop. And she does. She has the mind of child so basically needs to be told not to something, she cannot work it out for herself. She isn’t offended or upset, she just moves onto the next person 😂

don’t be scared to tell this man to stop, or say no firmly. Actually, don’t be scared to tell anyone to
stop.

sing/shout (so other people can hear you) the boundary song to him that I have taught my 4 year old.
"please stop! I dont like that! I'm feeling uncomfortable, I need more space! Not around me, don't take this personally, it's just a boundary, it's just a boundary". It's a kids song on youtube which has helped her, as a boy keeps pushing her in the queue at school.

Failing you wanting to do the above, report to your local police, and ask them to keep an eye out. Your voice is your best weapon. Hope it gets sorted.

The thing is - you are so well socialised to be polite that while you say you’ve asked him to stop - you haven’t.

You just told him you were moving away. He may not know what you mean.

Tell him firmly “Please stop touching and talking to me I don’t like it. Please move away from me”.

Totally reasonable to feel the way you do. You’ve tried to hint/gently redirect him but you need to be extra clear now.

“I don’t like people standing close to me, please move further back”.
“Hello. I don’t feel like chatting today/I don’t have time to talk today.”
Once you are unambiguous, if he goes against what you have explicitly requested, then you can ramp it up with, “I feel uncomfortable because I have asked you not to do X and you keep doing it.” Louder and stand near other people.

Similar thing happened to my colleague and we had to eventually involve the police as the person started hanging out at their home address as well. It started innocently enough but escalated over a year or so.

A few ideas:-

Tell them to go away, you don't want to talk to them. (A lady on a train once asked me to pretend to be her friend as a man was bothering her.)

Any other regulars at the bus stop you could buddy up with?

Big coat, hood up, scarf round your face.

Would a colleague let you jump in their car and drop you off at a different bus stop or different bus route?

Can you talk to your employer and see if you can switch up your working hours to sometimes get an earlier or later bus? Any colleagues that could stand with you? My colleague's stalker used to scamper if another colleague walked out with them chaperone style.

Does your work have a security team member who wouldn't mind coming with you and waiting for the bus? A major employer in our city is doing evening security patrols from the three office buildings to the car park as it's a few roads away to ensure staff feel safe going about their business knowledge the darker nights.

I've had similar happen in a shop I worked at as a teen and the older supervisor read the situation quickly and instructed me to go in the back everytime he came in and eventually he was asked to stop entering the premises.

Have you got a PCSO locally ? Have a chat with them. I would imagine this man lives with someone, the PCSO could find this out, and have a chat with them.

Sometimes sensitive don't work. Tell him to leave you alone or you may have got yourself a stalker. Take care.

The police would be able to check their records and assess the level of risk.

Please let us know how it goes. If you fear for your safety, call the police because it seems almost like stalking now. Also you need to just stop all contact. No talking or chat or anything.

You said where you work is in the middle of nowhere so perhaps bus stops aren’t as close to each other as they are where I live…. Could you walk to the next stop to avoid him altogether.

You shouldn’t have to do that, I know, but it would allow you to avoid being direct and assertive with him. And depending what is causing him to behave the way he is he may not remember what you have told him from day to day so you might have to go through those direct instructions every time he sees you.

Similarly, I don’t think the police could do much more than tell him to keep his distance and again he might forget. However, if he was to follow you he to the next bus stop they would have reason to take more robust action, possibly finding out if he has a carer/care home and speaking to them.

You need to be more direct.

“ I don’t want you to touch me or get near me.”

“ you are making me uncomfortable by getting into my personal space”

“back off”

I would suggest telling your employer the situation and asking if you can alter your schedule slightly for a couple days to see if he’s there.

If he is actively waiting at that stop through the afternoon for you, then you need to speak to the police to find out what you can do, because you are being stalked.

what @Auvergne63 said. My DS has no understanding of personal space at all so you need to be clear in what you are saying. “I’m moving away now” doesn’t mean anything. “You need to move back please, I need space” is a clear instruction,

As the mum of a disabled child I really think it’s lovely of you to engage, and echo what PP have said. I do worry about what will happen when my cute 5yr old is a hulking great adult, if people will be nice to them.

It’s not rude to state you like personal space, how you say it can be rude, but the request is fine.

Some people just need it explaining in simple terms.

As others have said you need to be firm and consistent in your approach. Tell him he needs to stay out of your personal space and please do not touch and are busy so cannot talk to him. Do this calmly but firmly
If you think he is following you tell him he can't do that. Maybe even ask him who looks out for him or does he have a carer and does he have a number for them and call them.
He most likely thinks you are his friend now because you have been friendly in the past but with direct, clear communication from you Boundaries can be established that make you comfortable.

It would be completely acceptable to talk to the police about this.

Someone having learning difficulties doesn't make them harmless.

Can you speak to work and ask someone to accompany you? Or get a taxi or change what time you finish

He will probably be in assisted living, maybe find out where and let his workers know? He obviously has a lack of understanding of boundaries but at the same time if he’s able to go out independently, he’ll have to know that he’s negatively affecting others.