Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

Are you the grandparents of this post ?

I bet the kids start whining from the start about wanting stuff, outings or crap food because - expectations - such a delight to host entitled brats because mum and dad can't understand why you wouldn't love to provide free child care and indulge their every whim. Plus gives them time off. Good on you, grandparents!

And where would you be while the children are staying over?

They’d prefer to have your children come stay during the summer when there are outdoor options for activities. Not sure what’s confusing or in need of a bunch of thoughts, here.

It’ll be some combination of the kids seeming bored or being more difficult to manage if kept at home. These are both going to be significantly exacerbated when trying to keep kids in a home that isn’t set up for kids. Paid outings every day aren’t in their budget (which is fine, they don't need to be living a destitute life with nothing to spend on their own enjoyment in order to justify that) so they’d rather plan visits for summer when there are plenty of free outdoor options.

Assuming the goal is for your DP and their DGC to have mutually enjoyable time together this seems pretty open and shut. Plan the kids trips to stay at grandma’s and grandpa’s for summer.

I kind of get it. I have 2 toddlers and they're bouncing off the walls if we don't go out. (I'm sick at home with them today so can't go out and they smashed a window.) Playgrounds and parks are the one free thing. Everything else costs money. You could give them money towards outings if that's the genuine reason they don't want.

They could just be like my parents who realised quite soon after one grandkid that they just don't have the energy or patience for them. They're more the benevolently smiling and present-giving grandparents with my two. It's pretty obvious they don't want to look after them.

YABU… why do you think grandparents are obligated to look after your children? Whatever their reasons for not having them to stay you should respect their wishes. Maybe at their time of life they feel they’ve done their bit bringing kids up and now they want the freedom to do what they want and when they want. Why should they be tied down? Also what they spend their money on is their business not yours

The OP has not said they are obligated. Not once. The refusal was couched in terms that, on the surface don't mesh with the facts. The money situation mentioned by the OP was context, I imagine to head off the posts saying what about the money? The OP has not shown disrespect in any way, but sought ideas.

OP - ask them upfront about the expense. It may well be a polite excuse concealing other reasons. It might be they have real money concerns that need to be addressed, i.e you pay for outings. Your use of "they seem to think" implies you haven't actually asked them. Ask them.

This really
I used to come up with a range of activities that they could do with the kids
Or suggest some tv they would like, not llots but recognising my parents didn't have a clue
And making sure they had some toys at their house
But finally recognising that some of their traditional activities might also be fun and novel to the kids eg learning to knit, play chess, play cards, make Pom poms etc

I don't think a lot of grandparents are up for running round after small active children. Grandparents tend to be a lot older than they used to be with people marrying and having children later. Grandparents used to be likely to be people in their fifties - now they are more likely to be pushing 70.

My mother used to come and stay when my husband and I went on holiday for 10 days to get somewhere warm and have a rest. But there was a nanny living in for the duration and the freezer was packed with home cooked meals for reheating. I left plenty of money for outings. My mum really enjoyed spending time with the children even though she was nearly 70 when the first one was born. I don't get the idea of grandparents looking after children as an alternative to a school holiday program though. They have done their time in the child rearing trenches.

Kids usually get exhausted if they’re out every day.

And are just as happy with a nice walk somewhere as they are a paid activity.

Suggest you talk to the GPs and check if money’s the real reason and how you could overcome this.

YABU… why do you think grandparents are obligated to look after your children? Whatever their reasons for not having them to stay you should respect their wishes. Maybe at their time of life they feel they’ve done their bit bringing kids up and now they want the freedom to do what they want and when they want. Why should they be tied down? Also what they spend their money on is their business not yours.
We are in our late 60’s, we’re retired having worked really hard for what we have, we absolutely love our freedom to come and go as we please. We would not want grandchildren clipping our wings whilst we still have the energy to go out and enjoy ourselves, we want to enjoy every moment whilst we are fit enough to do so.
Stop being selfish, they are your children so take responsibility, financial and otherwise.

Sounds like an excuse. Maybe they find it too stressful looking after 2.

Thoughts please….?

The grandparents don't want the children to stay.

Sounds to me like they are trying to be polite instead of just saying they don’t want to do it, and they have no obligation to either

It's not about the money.

It's about them not wanting them in the house for some reason and not wanting to go out with them in the winter.

But people often don’t tell the whole truth, to spare people’s feelings or their own pride.

It can be hard to say, look, this is too much for us at our age. Or, look, you’re taking the piss expecting us to mind your kids all the time when we want to enjoy our retirement.

Thoughts are how long are they having them for? A couple of days , a week or more ? It’s certainly true kids activities are expensive if taking them out . Although there are freebies but I’m guessing they are talking about the price of ice cream and takeaway food also . I think you should offer to pay in that case and I don’t know why you had to mention that they go away on holidays themselves and are not on the bread line . Maybe they scrimp to be able to do that . And I can see it would be boring to stay inside in the summer .

I’m an older mother (48 with an 8 year old) and I am exhausted when we’re all indoors all day. I can’t imagine doing that at 60 or 70. Don’t come back to your parents and argue all the reasons they absolutely can keep looking after your kids - they’re telling you they can’t and aren’t up for it.

When you’re young you can’t imagine how knackering it is looking after little kids when you’re older, and particularly when you haven’t done it full time for 30 years or so and have got used to a bit of calm and quiet.

Find other childcare.

And therefore they aren't telling the truth about the reason they don't want the grandkids to stay.

Not sure why people are finding this so hard to comprehend.

It doesn’t sound like money is the issue if they go on several holidays a year… more likely they simply aren’t interested in spending large amounts of time with them and/or don’t want the hassle, but obviously can’t tell you that! My DC’s wealthy boomer grandparents are like this.. Bit disappointing but not much you can do.

Wondering if you're my cousin 🤔 My aunty has her grandchild to stay and has recently confided in me that she ends up spending so much money that she simply can't afford to keep doing it with the same frequency. The kids don't behave particularly well which is harder to manage when stuck inside the house, they complain of being bored if not constantly entertained and the activities they request are really expensive. She wants to be a good grandma and give them a good time, but it's costing her hundreds of pounds to have them over for a few days. She struggles to say no to all the requests when they are there so she thinks the way forward is to reduce the number of visits.

There's a strong whiff of entitlement coming through in your OP which makes me wonder if there's something similar going on.

So are you saying that how much grandparents help out now should have no impact on how much you later help out grandparents?

Because that's not how it works.

It's really clear that they are trying b to find a polite way of saying enough is enough.
My children are aged between 10 and 16 and two of them stayed for one night with my parents about ten years ago when DH and I had been invited somewhere really important, but other than that, they have never stayed with either set of grandparents. They're our children, we chose to have them and I wouldn't expect anyone else to have to look after them overnight.
It's hard, we work full time, some of our children have additional needs, but this is what we chose. My parents chose to have two children nearly 50 years ago, I don't think they should still be parenting -it's hard bloody work.

I think they find it too much in whatever way Tiring, messy, expensive
Just because you think they have money, it's entirely their choice how they spend it.
Do they see them regularly?

My parents always used to give my grandparents some money when we stayed, for days out etc. My grandparents are fabulous but they just wouldn't have had the money for outings.

Sure trips out are not obligatory, but they are probably doing it as much to keep themselves sane as for the children's sake so offering some expense money seems reasonable to me. Many wouldn't take it from their adult child unless they need it, I suspect.

They don't want them indoors and in the summer can take them to the park ect which is free.
But I also feel they've had their kids and should not feel they have to have their grandchildren if they don't want to, I think a lot of people expect that their parents should want to have their children, it's not a given, they've done their bit and it's now their time to enjoy their life without the responsibilities they once had.
( I'm not saying this is how you feel saying some people in general )