Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

Maybe they're not really into kids, OP? I'm not, apart from my own, and I can't imagine for a second wanting to do hands on grandparenting.

Am wondering whether they instigate the visits or you do? Ie have they called and asked if the children would like to visit or have you implied/conveyed an expectation that they should have them?

My iLs asked us if the kids could visit, and when they first asked were very nervous we’d say no so explained how they’d keep them safe, take them out etc. They had an expectation of having the children for the odd week every year because my DH and his Dsis always went to their grandparents and the iLs were excited to continue the practice. We only asked them to have the kids once (I had major surgery, DH was away with work), but let them know they could have them whenever they wanted and just to ask and we’d make it happen. My children went to stay 1-2 weeks from the ages of 4 and 7 and both parties loved it. I have one of each, so not sure whether 2 boys are more of a handful,

It sounds, though, as though your iLs may find having to lively boys rather tiring and don’t feel they can entertain them at home for extended visits without taking them out - and that bad weather/winter visits make being stuck in doors more likely and going outside in shite weather a bit of a trial. Tbf two adults and 2 kids going to the zoo, cinema, petting farms have become extortionate over the last few years, so can understand why they would baulk at the cost especially if forcing themselves to do it on wet and cold days.

At the end of the day, if they’d really rather only have them for short visits in the summer/spring, I think they are within their rights. And if you can offer some money towards day trips to facilitate their stay, that would probably go some way to soften it for them - but I really would allow them to initiate when/how long stays are by asking them to contact you to arrange visits when they feel up to it.

Hmm no I don't think it's the norm. I grew up in an Asian country, close to the grandparents, saw them often, occasionally stayed over, but several weeks with a 6 and a 9 year old. No no no no. I mean my own kids drive me mad over the holidays, I can't deal with other people's. And yes, the grandparents will have to do days' out because the kids will be bored at home (in a home that's not their own) and will be moaning.
So in this specific instance I'm very much Team Grandparents.

Going back a few decades, but my both my grandparents would play board and card games with us, or we'd go for a walk somewhere, or we'd talk about things... There were no expensive day trips, or gifts (maybe a chocolate bar from the newsagents) or anything else. Just some quality time is what most kids need, I can't imagine it's that different today, asides from the potential distraction of some form of electronic screen.

It is expensive and exhausting when grandchildren come to stay. If they feel they can't do it is their choice. They don't have any obligation to have them overnight. How they spend their money is irrelevant.

In YOUR family it's normal for grandparents to have the children to stay. So send them to your parnets. It's not normal in your DH's family. Frankly, I don't think its that common at all anymore although I think it probably was more common in the past. DH did spend quite a lot of time with his grandparents and his nephew and neice did with his mum when they were young - but she was a very young grandmother to those children who now are old enough to have children of their own! Certainly, she's never done it for us as she isn't up for it anymore.

Depends on how long they would be staying and is this just during the day or staying overnights as well. How old are the children? How old are the grandparents?

Healthy people in their sixties are usually aware how lucky they are, but also aware that they may have only a very short window of time before their health and mobility start to decrease. Those years are very precious and not everybody wants to spend them doing unpaid child care.

This is sad. My mum and dad used to have ours regularly but we'd supply things for them to do when they were there just in case. They never took them out.

Absolutely.

Boys at 6 and 9 are a bloody handful. Im talking from experience!!

Its too much for the grandparents.

Personally I would never expect my parents to take on huge chunks of childcare so I could enjoy a child-free holiday 🤷‍♀️

There's helping out and then there's being taken advantage of. OP's expectations seem to fit the latter category imo.

To be clear, you want to be able to dump your kids at DGPs during school holidays and you and DH bugger off?

YABVU

Sure, some people will be happy with that, but many won’t.

It reads to me like your expectations were to leave your kids with their grandparents for several days at a time while you have a break?

Honestly, I don't think that's very realistic or fair - I don't know anyone who spends days at a time with grandparents unless there's been some kind of emergency.

I wouldn't want grandchildren staying every holiday. If they're early 60s are they not still working?

Maybe they feel they want to make the most of their healthy years travelling, meeting people and doing their thing. Not everyone is going to be a doting grandparent. Can you not book a couple of night in a B & B and visit from a distance with the children?

I wonder how many grandparents are just say in their rocking chair knitting waiting for the grandchildren to turn up

Some may actually have full time jobs? Well of course the grandfathers may be, mothers and grandmothers are only useful for breeding and raising the next generation they don't have any other purpose in life

Same. It’s possible that they leave the children for a few days or even more.

@Overtherainbow89 this is so sad 😢 me and my sibling used to love going to our grandparents house and we would play all day!! Just with each other, with my nan sometimes joining in, sometimes baking or whatever. It was all very normal.

I would be hurt if my parents or in laws had said this. I think it is normal and healthy for grandparents to want to spend time with grandkids. Especially at 6 and 9 where they are more independent!!

Only thing I can think is would your parents travel and stay at your house for a couple of days - one day they have them while you work the next day you can all be together?

They are telling u that they rnt willing to have yr children, just pay for childcare like everyone else.

My parents had all their grandchildren regularly - the first was born when they were only in their 40s and they really loved having them. I remember them having both of the first 2 gc - both boys - when they were primary age, however and taking them on holiday for a week. My parents were still only early 50s but came home and said they had no idea how hard it was going to be entertaining these 2 energetic and demanding boys.

And by the time the youngest, my niece, was around and going to them regularly (they did a couple of days of childcare every week for my brother, who is 12 years younger than our older brother AND had his children a lot later and SiL), it was 25 years later - and they found it exhausting.

As pp have said, it's almost certainly not really the cost - it's that you can pay a lot for activities that don't fill the day and then you've still got 2 demanding boys cooped up in your house and bored. In summer, it IS a lot easier.

Grandparents are not a monolith. Some will want to have their grandchildren to stay and others won't. It doesn't mean they don't love them.

Maybe they simply don't want to provide childcare and feel uncomfortable saying so? Which is entirely their right. There should be no expectation for grandparents to provide care for grandchildren

OP I think your expectations are unreasonable.

I'm a widowed grandparent and have been looking after my GC for almost 20 years (eldest is 21, youngest is 4 ) I've committed to 2 days a week childcare since the eldest was a few months old and also done endless babysitting and weekends so the parents could go out and have a break. It is very expensive to entertain them during school holidays and at weekends. It's also exhausting!

I have never looked after any of the DGC for more than a weekend and it wouldn't have been asked/expected from my DC, although DIL suggested that I have her 3 DC for 6 weeks each summer holidays

Accept any help that GP offer gratefully. I know it's not a popular opinion on MN, but they've done their child rearing and may not want to continue with the next generation.

I’m noticing a pattern that people who remember going to their grandparents a lot don’t have parents who want to be with their grandkids.

Both my husband and I spent weekends and holidays at grandparents, but our 16 & 18 year old have only ever slept at their grandparents for 5 nights in total (that’s between both sets of grandparents and 2 of those night were because I was in hospital recovering from an op).

they were useless parents and are useless grandparents.

i already know I’ll be a hands on grandparent as I love being a parent.