Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

A lot of it depends on health and stamina. Nowadays, as others have commented, there's also the fact that some parents won't allow the grandparents to discipline. (No, I'm not talking about corporal punishment.)

My eldest cousin stayed with our grandparents over the summer holidays for a few years. I since found out that her father was reluctant, but agreed to the arrangement. (We're in Scotland; the father and his family were down in England.)

I recall staying with my grandparents when my mother was ill in hospital. They lived a bus ride away. Dad would meet the bus in our hometown and then walk me up to school before going to work.

The next time Mum was ill, my grandparents were in no condition to look after me: indeed, my grandmother was in hospital herself.

Sounds like they just don't want them to stay but don't want to just tell you that so have come up with a reason not to

If it was the same parents who shipped their kids off to grandparents, who become the grandparents who don't want to do childcare, then it's surely obvious that that's because they don't like doing childcare.

But in this instance, the op says she was shipped off, but it's the in-laws she's complaining about.

Did your dh spend a lot of time with gps as a child? If yes, then it's obviously that his parents don't like kids.

We don't know that they did benefit from that though. The OP said that she spent holidays with her grandparents. The parents that she's talking about in this scenario are her husband's parents. We don't have any idea what their arrangement was.

And even so, circumstances change. When I was growing up my grandparents were only working part-time, And my husband's grandparents were retired. But when we had our kids, my parents and in-laws were all still working full-time.

It sounds like they don’t want children messing up the inside of their house and don’t like going out in colder weather. Be easier if they just said the actual reason wouldn’t it!

Which is great just don't have "expectations" of visits and care when your in need 🤷‍♀️

Another entitled parent!

If they don’t want to provide free childcare, why should they?

I’m their age and wouldn’t have fancied having two primary aged kids to look after for more than a day or so. After all, I’ve got other activities and hobbies to attend.

A friend has her two grandsons (same age as OP's) to stay for five weeks every summer. She's seventy and on her own so it's very hard work for her and exhausting.

Some do a lot and some don't.

It’s not a “poor excuse” 🙄

Maybe they are fed up with being used for free childcare at their expense. As much as I love looking after my DGCs, there have been times when just the basics (travel and food) have cost me more than if I’d just transferred the money to pay for a babysitter. Even just having them to stay and not going out costs a small fortune. Meals, soft drinks, snacks, even “free/cheap at home activities” like baking and crafts cost money and I usually have to specially buy at least one ingredient or craft material. Small expenses like buying an ice cream at the park or bus fare to a museum start to add up. It’s hard enough keeping DC entertained at home where they have all their toys and games during the holidays but if they only bring a few toys with them, they are going to get pretty bored unless their GPs take them out, which costs money. Perhaps it is a genuine reason and they want you to step up and send spending money.

Or maybe it is a polite excuse because they don’t want to tell you your kids are hard work. TBH all kids are hard work, even perfectly behaved kids. I find it tiring now!

Do they still work? Maybe they don’t want to use their annual leave to be free childcare but actually want to use it to take a break from work…

They are all valid reasons. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to spend time with their DGC just that they don’t want to give up their free time and pay for the privilege of being your free childcare.

I'm not sure it is cheeky - just because your own parents were happy to do childcare doesn't mean you have to follow suit 🤷‍♀️

Options

1. Off to cover the costs, if it really us a cost issue.

1. They don't want to do childcare.

If they live three hours a way then it's not an afternoon childcare. How long are you expecting them to have them?

I'm not sure what's the point of this question on thoughts ... what thoughts? They have an opinion and have shared it. It's too expensive for them in their view. It's irrelevant how wealthy they are. You can either offer to pay when you send your children there or keep your kids with you. It's quite simple this one.

It really annoys me when someone watches someone else's pocket and comments on how many holidays or money they have ... so what??? It's their money thus their decision how to spend it. They don't want to spend it on their grandchildren. That's more than a valid choice.

I have my nephew to stay a couple of times a year. He is 10 and so a bit too old for parks / playgrounds and I don’t have much in my house to occupy him, so we go out to museums and galleries. Sometimes it’s cheap (science museum and a packed lunch) but sometimes it costs a bomb (Tower of London and a pizza). Either way that’s my choice and I know he won’t want to do it forever. I love him dearly, but I’m exhausted when he goes home. I guess I’m saying I can see both sides.

@Overtherainbow89 I'm not 100% clear what the scenario is exactly.

So, who suggested the boys only stay during the summer months? Is it the Grandparents or You?

You also said that you visit the GPs a few times a year, but stay because you sense their reluctance?

So what prompted this post? Have they asked you not to visit at all during the 'colder months' or have they simply said they wouldn't want the boys to stay there with them without their parents at all?

My reply will be different depending on exactly what the position actually is?

My parents have complained they are not close to their grandchildren this is while simultaneously ignoring them recently my aunt went to (adult) dds town for a day trip they invited my mom (dds nan) who she hasn't actually seen in 12 months....she said no she refused to go to see her own grandchild she didn't have to drive pay or anything just be there have a coffee and see her grandchild she CBA with her she has also refused to see her grandchildren when they are in the same town as her because she was "packing a suitcase for her dog" (they were going away the following week) another time there was something happening at 10am with the kids would have taken less than an hour she couldn't make it because the dog was due at the vets at 6pm

You get to the point where you don't bother with them the excuses are silly and pointless

Definitely! Selfish of them.
I bet when the grandkids are grown they'll complain that their grandkids aren't close to them and won't visit them. You reap what you sow!

I would just drop the rope OP. Don't beg anyone to take interest in your kids. They're too good for that and it's the grandparents loss.

Just remember it when they need help when they're older. You can suit yourself just like they did 🙂

It's not a poor excuse, to you it seems like a poor excuse. Healthy grandparents want a life too, perhaps one they've been looking forward to all their adult lives like you said they're in their early 60s! loads for them to still explore and get out of life. People of your grandparent's generation had fewer choices and having the grandkids every holiday was probably the highlight for many because what else would they do? I couldn't think of anything worse! the drudgery all over again of looking after small kids every holiday no matter how much I love them. DH and i have talked a lot about how we'd love to travel in our 60s, where we'd like to live perhaps learn a new language. I know someone's going to jump on and say 'just remember when you need care! which i find bizarre because they've already looked after & cared for you so why wouldn't you show care towards them? but even in that case, I'm against parents expecting their adult children to provide full-on care for them when they are old. Your children are your responsibility just like you were theirs.

That's not saying grandparents should NEVER care for their grandkids, that's not what I'm saying at all, but i find the expectation that they are effectively a main part of everyday childcare a bit much and many find it too much especially physically when they are no longer in their prime. A 60-year-old grandparent is very different to a 20-40yrs old mum/dad when it comes to feeding, washing, entertaining & lifting small kids. It all tells on the body.

Can you contribute financially? When we stayed with our grandparents for more than a night or two as kids my parents would give grandparents money for treats, days out etc.

It was a joke 😂

Ok this sounds like it might be personal to you and if so I’m sorry you hated having kids so much.

I don’t think that most people who sent their kids to stay with grandparents did it because they were hating being a parent and desperately needed the respite.

And even for those who did hate being parents - maybe their own DC are hating it too (after all their character may well be the same) and also need the respite??

They likely resented being parents and did the best they could without having a nervous breakdown.

You can't undo having a baby once it is here, I think a lot of people regret being a parent and if they have people in the family willing and able to take the pressure off it makes sense to use that.

It would be hard to explain to your own child that you'd rather have not had them and hated being a parent so the children expect their parents to do the same and be active grandparents.

Sorry but I think they are just not enjoying having them and this is perhaps half true/ half an excuse.

Some people as they get older do feel more insecure about money and I daresay that they do notice a difference when your boys are there in how much they are spending. The fact that they go on nice holidays is neither here nor there. I wouldn’t expect to be asked to forego holidays to be an unpaid babysitter so neither should they.

Either way they are trying to tactfully ask you to stop having your kids stay there overnight so I think you need to have the grace to accept this and move on.

It would be nice if they wanted to have them to stay but it honestly sounds like they don't and are trying to spare your feelings with an excuse.

Don't try to force people to have your children if they are making excuses to try to get out of it. It's not fair to anyone.

Was about to say the exact same thing! Only substitute the words 'massively hypocritical' for 'a bit cheeky'.

(I did not receive or ask for any help with my own kids from my parents before anyone starts).

I don’t believe any grandparents are obliged to offer childcare but I think it’s a bit cheeky when they benefited from it themselves when their kids were young, and then turn round and say nah don’t fancy doing that myself.