Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

Obviously that can be a factor, @Differentstarts but I’m not that old! 😂

OP, you haven’t offered all that much info, but here’s what I’ve gotten:
-You have 6 and 9 year old boys, typically a very active, rowdy age
-Your in-laws live 3 hours away, so visits will generally be overnight and they aren’t able to be daily/weekly fixtures to develop a routine with your DC
-Several times per year you (DH presence unmentioned) go to stay at your PIL with your boys and that’s great

And your issue is that you want instead to drop your boys off for multiple-day (or longer?) stays without you that your PIL would be funding. Your PIL have effectively said no to doing this in the winter, but are open to trying it in summer. Otherwise they want to keep having you all to visit together.

Is that it? Did I misunderstand something?

There is no one right way to grandparent, and keeping DGC for days on end just for fun is definitely not everyone’s idea of enjoying their DGC. It’s certainly also not the only way for GP to have a relationship with their DGC. Accept their no gracefully and respectfully, and talk to them about what sort of visits do work for them. Are they happy with the full family continuing to come visit on the schedule you have been? Would they like to come visit you? They mentioned summer - is there a time they’d be interested in having the boys (together? Separate?) in the summer and you could pay for some outings?

Was this a generation where women didn't tend to have full time jobs. People don't have the time anymore

Perhaps your parents are just tired of babysitting and don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't know how my friends of my age cope. Many have claimed exhausting hours of boredom and noise.

So many people on MN seem terribly affronted if they are asked to help out another parent or family members with childcare or lifts or other favours but are then affronted when grandparents don’t want to be free childcare. I appreciate they are not the same thing but I sometimes I feel like there has been a shift towards being more selfish with each generation. Friends and neighbours were always helping each other out when I was a child. Or maybe it’s not a generational thing, it’s a (family) cultural thing - some families have a culture where everyone cooperates and helps each other out and they are attracted to like minded friends, others don’t share those values. I suspect the MNers who are greatly offended by being asked to give another child a lift to school are the same ones who won’t be doing much childcare for their DGC either.

Having other people's children when you don't have children is expensive. Your sending them to a house with no toys, games, crafts so they need to either be taken out or activities bought to do with then. They probably want specific food and drink that an adult only home might not have. This stuff adds up. When ever I send mine anywhere they go with a packed lunch and things to do and if go out anywhere I pay for it.

I had a similar upbringing so it was upsetting when Mum (mostly) and dad would avoid taking DC out or host them during the school holidays ( actually i wouldnt pick mum as being my Nan’s Daughter either.). Mums siblings are a bit peeved over how much mum leaned on Nan to care for me in those days too.

there’s not much you can do about it, however long term it’s their relationship with the grandies that will suffer. My DC won’t go out of their way to visit Mum, and when they do, little is said as mum never invested in their younger lives and doesn’t pay attention to job titles/employer, interests etc. conversation very short and limited.

you could try asking if they would prefer one on one time, they might find having 2 at the same time too much. ?

I understand how you feel.

Except they didn't my grandparents did and when I was old enough I was cooking cleaning washing and ironing their shit then I was working and gave money for the roof over my head and still doing their stuff then I was kicked out st 18 so it would have been nice for them to offer me something especially as they clearly have expectations from me (not my sister just me bizarrely)

I guess I'm unusual in that I wouldn't have wanted my parents to spend significant time babysitting my children, nor would I have wanted an inheritance. They spent significant time and money raising me, and I would want them to use their remaining time and money to do the things they couldn't do when they were responsible for raising children.

How old were your grandparents when you stayed with them over the holidays OP? Mine were both 47 when my cousin was born then my parents were in their early sixties when their oldest grandchild arrived. My son’s generation are having children even later so we’ll be in our seventies before we see grandchildren. I didn’t realise how tired and exhausted I’d be when I was old as I’ve always been so full of energy until recently. I’ve always thought I’d be a hands on GP but now I’m not sure if I’ll be able to be as much fun as I’d like which feels sad. Circumstances and expectations do change over time.

Yes I meant generally rather than OP specifically.

And yes of course if the current set of GPs are less able to offer any child care than the previous generation- whether due to work, health etc - then understandable that they don’t.

But sometimes it just seems to be “because we don’t want to” (or flimsy excuses) which generally I’d say is their choice but seems a bit rich when they themselves had lots of childcare help from their own parents.

It’s a bit like receiving a hefty inheritance but spending it all and leaving nothing to the next generation. Of course no strict obligation to pass some down but a bit of a moral one I’d have thought.

My DiL drops "subtle" hints she wants her DC to come to stay with us. I am happy to childmind at hers but I don't want their DC at mine. I'd need to childproof it!
There would be hell to pay if one of them cut their finger with my rotary cutters or Stanley knife!

You could read the 'excuse' the other way. What is the op/her dh like to them that they can't just tell the truth? The blame here for the excuse is not automatically the gps.

I don't think it's all that common for grandchildren to stay for several weeks at a time on their own, without a parent. Growing up I never did, nor any of my cousins on either side. If they live a distance away like yours they won't know their grandparents so well, will feel strange without you their and the grandparents will find it hard to look after/discipline them as they won't know your style of parenting well enough. It's wonderful you had that relationship growing up, but I don't think you can expect it of your parents/in laws.

My parents certainly wouldn't have wanted my children to stay for a week at a time. Overnight in an emergency maybe, that's exciting as a one off for the kids. But in a strange place without parents, toys or local friends, they would take a lot of entertaining, which could well be expensive.

Op, some people just don’t enjoy taking care of children, even though we might love them.

I have a beautiful nephew who is 1 year old. As I work in a school, mum and dad have asked my husband and I if we can help out, particularly at weekends and during the holidays.

We’ve said no. We like to use our time off to travel. We go abroad for up to the six weeks at a time. We love our nephew, but don’t enjoy looking after a toddler. Our children are young adults, at uni, so we are free to do as we please and value that.

We understand that we are in a position to help and that people have to work and don’t get time to themselves, but I feel like I’ve been there and done my time. I have no desire to commit to child rearing again.

It reads like your in-laws are willing to help some of the time, so that’s great isn’t it?! Make the most of the help you do have.

But again, what difference does it make?

@Naunet "Clearly we dont seeing as you're the only person asking. What difference does it make?"

I would bet half my kingdom on most people assuming that it's the dad's parents we're talking about. FYI, in case you missed it, it is.

Why? They already raised, supported and funded YOU, why do they need to do the same for your kids to expect anything back?

In fairness, when you see someone regularly there's a lot less pressure compared to when it's only 2-3 times a year.

Clearly we dont seeing as you're the only person asking. What difference does it make?

Yes, really, all she meant was they're not counting every penny to get by, like some people on the pension are. So it's a weird excuse.

id rather be told the truth (they're too much cooped up in the house & we don't want to traipse around to soft play etc and we find it expensive (not value for money).

it's too turing

we hate that the kids seem bored.

whatever the actual truth is.

plus if they actually wanted to have the children to stay, but needed some help to make it work for everyone, I'd want to help.

my mum loves my brothers kids staying, but it does cost her a lot because she feels she needs to do something fun (so they came to expect it & would ask what were they going to do today. It was her fault, not the kids!! I suggested some other activities and things improved). My mums not hard up, at all, but a lot of money (3 kids) on a day out, frequently does add up and it was more the value for money aspect.

@Overtherainbow89 we have two grandchildren staying for 5 weeks out of every 8weeks while their father is a couple of thousand miles away working. this since dd passed away. all since 2020. it is very expensive and time consuming. and our retirement plans are now way out of the window. I think the op is looking more for childcare than holidays for kids! we are doing long term full time childcare!

That's really sad. My kids see their grandparents 2-4 times a week. I would find it very sad if they said seeing my children was too expensive. No need to spend a lot. Play some games, have a meal, have a cuppa, do some gardening or odd jobs the kids can help with.

They aren't obliged to have them , it's round about way of telling you they don't want to look after them . Probably don't have the energy to be stuck In doors with them all day

Then using the excuse of it being too expensive to have the Grandchildren to stay makes no sense.

they should just be honest about why they don't want them to stay or say it's not convenient.