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AIBU?

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Original poster

His GF asked him not to visit our kids anymore

163 replies

Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 19:24

Hi all,

Just pondering. So the ex is in a relationship. His GF threatened to end things if he didn't stop seeing the kids at mines which he's been doing for the last few years about every 4-6 weeks. We only had this arrangement because he moved 3 hours away.

So now, the kids will see their dad a handful of times a year now.

I feel pretty angry about it TBF and can't believe he would choose her over his kids. I'm struggling to stay amicable. AIBU to think he's a terrible dad or am I unreasonable?
Fyi - I really don't care that he's in a relationship as he was a horrible partner but anything that hurts my kids, hurts me.

OP posts:
FancyBiscuitsLevel · 18/11/2024 21:11

If he can’t manage his money, your dcs shouldn’t miss out. Even if you don’t need the extra, save it for them. The reduction was his travel costs - he will have the same amount going out each month now.

if you don’t, now he doesn’t have travel costs, he’s going to make money on being a shit dad. that’s not ok.

Quitelikeit · 18/11/2024 21:07

Pop them on the train? Problem solved

fingfong · 18/11/2024 21:05

Hi h

Winter2020 · 18/11/2024 21:04

This man sounds like an utter waste of space. Doesn't want to use his annual leave on his kids. I'm sorry he is such a selfish POS.

ThatTealViewer · 18/11/2024 21:04

ThatRareUmberJoker · 18/11/2024 20:37

These are your questions and you think she is peculiar 😳

Show quote history

Yes. They are several people’s questions, actually. If you find it surprising we’d wonder why he can’t see the kids anywhere other than her house, I find you quite odd, as well.

mumedu · 18/11/2024 21:02

Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 20:01

Kids are 6 and 12. They do love their dad which is why this hurts so much 😢

Keep the door open for him and make it as easy as possible for him to see the children (even if you have to get counselling to manage the anger/rage that you, rightly, feel). This is hard.

Original poster
Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 21:02

@Wonderi I totally agree. The main positive is I no longer have to oblige him by having him in my house. He also smells of damp clothes as he can't seem to dry his clothes properly 😂so no more airing my house when he leaves.
I am on the fence with regard to CSA. I earn more than him so we are ok with what we get and he does pay on time. If I claimed more it'd probably bring him to his knees as he's not good with money.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 18/11/2024 20:57

Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 19:57

Luckily he pays albeit not as much as CSA would like because I agreed to a lesser amount to accommodate the travel costs.
I don't blame the girlfriend at all. He cheated on her and tried to get back with me whilst with her a few times so she's probably insecure due to his scummy behaviour.
As much as he's proven himself a lying self obsessed snake, I thought he loved his kids enough to keep up the contact.

Back to the csa and don’t give in to any of his requests again .

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 18/11/2024 20:51

How painful for your DC that their father is so flakey (at best).

Original poster
Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 20:49

@tjr

OP posts:
Wonderi · 18/11/2024 20:48

It’s crap for the kids but I’d use this time as a chance to put your boundaries in place.

He has tried getting back with you and it probably won’t be the last time he tries.

Going forward, I wouldn’t have him at your home.

For the moment, the new gf can be the excuse but if they were to break up then he’d try worming his way back in, so it’s best to set your boundaries now.

Then he can’t accuse you of stopping him seeing the kids just because you won’t let him in your home.

It’s not great for your kids but I’d try and see the silver lining, which is him not using your home as part of his control tactics.

Codlingmoths · 18/11/2024 20:48

Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 20:44

@Silvers11 THAT is a very good question. I've asked when he wants to have them over the Christmas holiday. He can have them anytime he wants (I've got enough friends family to keep me busy so I'm not precious). Again, h said he's not sure about using his annual leave and will get back to me!

Have you replied ok we are, like everyone else, booking in Christmas events so you will have to fit in when you eventually decide. Also, I have put in a maintenance claim through cms now you’re not travelling so much.

Lindjam · 18/11/2024 20:45

Bizarre that he wouldn’t just take the kids out.

If he’s that useless then it’s no great loss for your children is it? So many shit dads about 💐

Original poster
Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 20:44

@Silvers11 THAT is a very good question. I've asked when he wants to have them over the Christmas holiday. He can have them anytime he wants (I've got enough friends family to keep me busy so I'm not precious). Again, h said he's not sure about using his annual leave and will get back to me!

OP posts:
ThatRareUmberJoker · 18/11/2024 20:40

Make an application to the CMS and make him pay. You're trying to keep this man in your children's lives but he doesn't care. Make him pay for them.

whynotwhatknot · 18/11/2024 20:40

get im to tell them dont youd o it

an go to cms to get the right amount

averythinline · 18/11/2024 20:39

Just go to CMS re maintenance if hes not travelling you don't need to adjust...

Equally I wouldn't let him in your house either.....

He's a shit dad and an ex stop inflicting him on yourself....

Alittlebitwary · 18/11/2024 20:39

OP this is so sad for your children and it must be heartbreaking to see them hurt.
Your ex is awful for putting a woman who he's not even in a solid relationship over them, or if it's a lie then he's a shit for just not doing the best by his kids.
Ultimately though, the best thing you can do is let him make his own choices, and tell the children why. Make it crystal clear why, even though it hurts. Children will clock and they will know what's going on anyway. It's clear he isn't putting them first, and you facilitating an arrangement that makes it look like he does only sets unrealistic expectations for them, and sets them up for future disappointment. Sounds like he's edging further away and seeing how little contact he can get away with.
They will see him for who he is, and their relationship with him will reflect the effort he puts in. They won't care as much when inevitably further down the line he does something else or stops seeing them altogether.
Sorry he is such a twat.

Original poster
Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 20:38

@Fireworknight @purple. He doesn't want us to meet as he's worried where her questions might go. Thats what he tells. But meanwhile I have no doubt he's making me out to be the monster. Id love a third party drop off. You have no idea how much I'd love the extra free time to myself.

OP posts:
ThatRareUmberJoker · 18/11/2024 20:37

ThatTealViewer · 18/11/2024 20:33

You haven’t told us;

  • Why he couldn’t see them somewhere other than your home - stayed in a hotel, for example.
  • Why he can’t take them for holidays.
  • Why his girlfriend couldn’t just come with him to see the kids. He can hardly cheat on her if she’s there.
  • Whether you intend to continue letting him pay less than he should be.

Like I said, it’s all a bit odd.

Show quote history

These are your questions and you think she is peculiar 😳

Silvers11 · 18/11/2024 20:36

So when IS he going to see them @Twinkiebinkieseven You said now they are only going to see him now a handful of times a year? What is the new plan?

ThatRareUmberJoker · 18/11/2024 20:36

ThatTealViewer · 18/11/2024 20:21

There’s a lot of questions you’re not answering, OP. This whole thing is a bit peculiar, tbh.

Do you have any questions for her?She has come here for a hand hold and trash talk her nasty ex. Nothing peculiar about that. I think what you posted is peculiar it adds nothing to the ops life or help with how she is feeling.

Anotherworrier · 18/11/2024 20:36

He wouldn’t be seeing my kids at all. They deserve more.

Zanatdy · 18/11/2024 20:34

Well I understand her reasonings after your update, but i’d certainly be telling him what a selfish arse he is. And he can up his CSA given that he won’t be travelling as often.

ThatTealViewer · 18/11/2024 20:33

Twinkiebinkieseven · 18/11/2024 20:25

@ThatTealViewer ok?!

You haven’t told us;

  • Why he couldn’t see them somewhere other than your home - stayed in a hotel, for example.
  • Why he can’t take them for holidays.
  • Why his girlfriend couldn’t just come with him to see the kids. He can hardly cheat on her if she’s there.
  • Whether you intend to continue letting him pay less than he should be.

Like I said, it’s all a bit odd.