His GF asked him not to visit our kids anymore

Sorry OP, YANBU at all. Nothing much you can do though except lower your expectations of him, tough though it is.

I know it's not your question, but the new GF sounds vile too - I'm glad they've found each other x

Now that he won’t be travelling to see them you can get the full payment from him 😃

You haven't messed up. You have brought two lovely boys into the world. You weren't to know you took a chance and it didn't work out. You have not messed up he has not you.

You have not messed up.

He’s a crap dad and you’ve done what you can so your kids don’t miss out on having a relationship with him.

Unfortunately, there is only so much you can do and you cannot force anyone to be a good parent.

He's a shit dad.

You facilitate far too much for him. Stop making it so easy for him to be a shit dad.

He moves 3 hours away so you accept him paying less towards your shared children. Why should your kids have less because he decided to move away? That’s not their problem. You say you can cover it, no you can’t, your salary covers your share of responsibilities, your ex needs to cover his! It’s not good enough. What if one day you can’t cover it? He pays for his own travel to see the kids he made then moved away from.

He doesn’t like using his leave. Tough Shit. That’s just part of being a parent. He should be covering half the school holidays.

You think going to the CSA is the wrong thing to do because at the moment he pays less than he should, but on time. If you go through the CSA he will pay what he should pay, on time, because if he doesn’t they will take it directly from his wage and charge him for the privilege.

He can’t even be bothered sorting out seeing them unless you allow him to use your home, every 6 weeks, and now he’s coming up with reasons he can’t even do that.

He’s behaving like a child and you are helping him do this. Put in a CSA claim and let him fade out.

The gf is not being unreasonable to ask him not to stay at his ex’s. If someone on here was dating a man who would only visit his kids at his ex’s place, everyone would be like ‘he’s in love with his ex’ etc etc. He is a dick though. And honestly he sounds an embarrassment. (I’ve dated several of those so no judgement) but it sounds like you’re best off having as much control as poss over his communication with your kids. I’d just keep offering to have the gf come too - she’ll snoop on his phone and either she’ll come, or she’ll sack him off and he’ll go back to his once monthly visits 🙄

either way I would not let this man alone with your kids. He’s an abusive waste of space.

She’s answered them. RTFT.

Have no advice other than to say Fancybiscuits talks a lot of sense.
But I did want to reassure you that you aren't insane, and you've done enough.

But your questions are all for him, not OP? She's already said the arrangement wasn't one she was happy with so it's not her saying he can only see the kids in her house. He has decided that, so you need to ssk him why...

I’m sorry @Twinkiebinkieseven , he’s a real waste of space. Doesn’t want to waste his money or his annual leave on his kids 😡

” I can’t afford the bus fair to see my kids “ said no mum ever.

Please claim the child support for your kids - he won’t go hungry, really he won’t. Men like him always have some gullible woman looking after them.

Or he could just do some overtime or get a second job, since you are looking after his kids 100% of the time.

The 4% who voted you are being unreasonable are total idiots.

You had children with someone who can't take responsibility. He is behaving like a child. He lacks imagination and ambition. He's not much of a role model for your son's. You need to talk to your family and get them involved with your boys so they can teach them how to be men. My partner grew up without a dad he looked up to the men in his family and they taught him right from wrong. Don't be embarrassed you need your family.

I would not want a 6 and 12 yo on a train.

It’s up to their dad to make the effort.

He’s the one who moved away, it’s not up to OP to facilitate contact.

I apologise for being snippy. That sounds like such a hard situation and he sounds like a real piece of work.

Train? U go there ? Meet half way? Alt weekends kids going their on the train? His parents? I don't even talk tk my ex he has them sun and mon that's it but I don't bloody even see him.

Thank you I take that as a compliment nothing wrong with being odd at all. I assume because he is a cheapskate he doesn't want to book a hotel he can't even pay the full allowance to his children. The op obviously made a lot of allowances so her children can see their father. He's a dead beat dad and the op needs to put her foot down and get her childrens money plus back pay from the CMS.

All of this was said after I’d made that comment. The questions have now mostly been answered. I was just responding to the poster who thought they were somehow unreasonable.

Since he’s said that he can’t afford to take them out for the day, seeing them at OP’s house will be free or as close as which will be appealing. OP has said that he can take the kids to his for longer stretches but he doesn’t want to take annual leave.

If he’s the abusive type them this arrangement means that she can’t go out like a single woman and have fun because the kids are at home.

I’d send him a message saying if he would like them in the holidays to let you know, and then not chase him. Also add a link to the bit on each dcs school website with school holiday dates listed and say if he would like the dcs any of the holidays, to let you know and you’ll avoid booking anything on the dates he wants. Then leave it, he’s decided he doesn’t want to be a dad anymore. You can’t change that.