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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

engagement ignoral

92 replies

mamechange · 18/11/2024 11:37

AIBU to be a bit pissed off with my sister for not congratulating my son and fiancee on their engagement. Not even a like on facebook or insta. And I picked up my parents who were staying with her that day and said" it will be nice for mum to see the ring and give GS and fiancee ( name) a kiss"". Sis said nothing. Saw them all together again next day , which happened to be the day after my birthday and she said really loudly" no mum it's just a present from you and dad - nothing to do with me" Twice ( my parents are getting pretty deaf but I'm not)
I don't think she likes me does she?

OP posts:
Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 24/11/2024 05:41

1 less wedding invite needed?

Delphiniumandlupins · 24/11/2024 05:36

If my nephew announced his engagement on SM I wouldn't choose that medium to respond. If he phoned or messaged me directly I would reply/issue congratulations.

Original poster
mamechange · 24/11/2024 05:32

disagree

OP posts:
Original poster
mamechange · 24/11/2024 05:30

She's angry with me, not him. It's a when do we put the parents into a care home, and we diagree

OP posts:
Original poster
mamechange · 24/11/2024 05:19

IdaClair · 23/11/2024 16:00

Someone telling you they have got engaged is an odd one. I’m not sure what my reaction would be as I’m not sure anyone has ever told me that. I’d probably say that’s nice?

To my ears, it’s someone telling me that, at this point in time, they have found someone who they like and who likes them enough that, at some unspecified point in the future, they plan to, and may or may not, make a vow. One that they may or may not keep, that they have a relationship that they’d like to last so they are going to make it as legally complicated to end it as they can. But they can end it if they want to of course. Which is nice and I’m glad they are happy.

Im trying to think of any point in my life where someone has told me they are engaged or posted about it on social media and I’m drawing a complete blank. Maybe she is the same and doesn’t know what to say?

If you aren't lying then this is obviouly a cultural clash. You guys don't have engagement parties? OK Fair enough. Every country is different. I'd be crankier and pull you up on your lying ( I don't believe for a second that nobody has ever told you in your entire life that they were engaged - well unless you have zero friends). Most people don't have a party but everyone knows. Sometimes the girls get together.
Still in shock that the UK does not ackowledge engagements.
Lucky pp that you have my favourite Grandmas middle name as part of your handle. ( Ida)

OP posts:
JustinThyme · 24/11/2024 05:07

When my niece got engaged I congratulated them both and gave her a hug when I next saw her. I didn’t phone her or send a card or say something on social media.

Original poster
mamechange · 24/11/2024 05:00

Schoolchoicesucks · 23/11/2024 17:44

It sounds as though your DS and his aunt aren't particularly close.

He hasn't made a special effort to let her know the news. She hasn't liked his social media post.

You say that he is "handling" the snub better than you. This is bonkers. What is there to handle?

If they were close, maybe he would have phoned or messaged her, or visited her with fiancee to show off the ring. Maybe she would have sent a card.

This feels like a lot of hot air and that the issue is in the backstory not this non-event.

They live 3 hours away. I get you with the card ( that she didn't send( but she ignored his last birthday so where do you stop( besides him sending presents to her, her DH and her daughter every year).
I know this is MN and I'll be told I'm at fault or my son is . Does anyone have any suggestions for another forum? I can't walk well at the moment. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
mamechange · 24/11/2024 04:55

EmotionalSupportPotato · 23/11/2024 18:51

Maybe she doesn't think it will last

Haha They have been together for years, and I know that is not a guarantee but I am personally stunned at the enormous amount of people in the UK who couldn't be bothered to write "congratualtions" or click a like if one of your very few relatives announced his engagement on FB and INsta. We are a very small very family as I said. I always thought you were nice people and wanted to live there!
My DS and his DF had about 200 comments , "so happy " " congrats" etc from his friends , and at least double that just pressing like. My sister could not be bothered even doing that. Wow. I can see the stiff British upper lip still reigns supreme. And no he hasn't had a falling out with anyone. Sheesh.

OP posts:
EmotionalSupportPotato · 23/11/2024 18:51

Maybe she doesn't think it will last

Schoolchoicesucks · 23/11/2024 17:44

It sounds as though your DS and his aunt aren't particularly close.

He hasn't made a special effort to let her know the news. She hasn't liked his social media post.

You say that he is "handling" the snub better than you. This is bonkers. What is there to handle?

If they were close, maybe he would have phoned or messaged her, or visited her with fiancee to show off the ring. Maybe she would have sent a card.

This feels like a lot of hot air and that the issue is in the backstory not this non-event.

Threetrees745 · 23/11/2024 17:40

Why would you not know what to say? It's fairly normal for people to say nice remarks when something nice happens to someone. What planet is everyone on today??

Is this part of the mumsnet alternative universe where we have to pretend we don't like weddings, answering the door, having friends or celebrating your own birthday?

Ejvd · 23/11/2024 17:34

Congratulations on what?? An engagement is hardly an achievement!! Maybe she would feel like a phoney/liar saying congrats when (understandably) she wouldn't mean it or didn't feel it was something worth congratulating on.

But it's normal to say something nice like "that's nice". So it would be weird if she didn't say something when addressed specifically and directly.

Boomer55 · 23/11/2024 17:13

I couldn’t get worked up about social media - I miss most of the posts. Your son is just her nephew. I really wouldn’t worry. 🤷‍♀️

5128gap · 23/11/2024 16:50

I think she's been ingnorous. The sheer ignoramy of it cannot be ignorated. At least you've not covered yourself in ignory OP, so are the better person here.

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 23/11/2024 16:24

Threetrees745 · 23/11/2024 10:03

It's definitely not normal in the UK to ignore. I'm from the UK and lived here all my life and that would be considered a very deliberate snub. Even if you don't do social media it takes two seconds to send a quick text.
I find all the people posting saying engagements are meaningless are really bizarre.

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Same here. I might not communicate directly but if my nephew or niece got engaged I’d say something to my sister like ‘that’s so exciting, send them love and congratulations’. To not acknowledge it at all when it comes up in conversation is weird.

InSpainTheRain · 23/11/2024 16:19

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. There is clearly a back story as well so it's difficult to fully understand. If someone tells me they got engaged, or if I hear that someone in the family got engaged from MIL (DH has a bit family) then I get a card and a John Lewis voucher or similar. But some people don't worry about such stuff, I think the only reason I do it is because it's tradition and maybe I'm a bit old fashioned.

IdaClair · 23/11/2024 16:00

Someone telling you they have got engaged is an odd one. I’m not sure what my reaction would be as I’m not sure anyone has ever told me that. I’d probably say that’s nice?

To my ears, it’s someone telling me that, at this point in time, they have found someone who they like and who likes them enough that, at some unspecified point in the future, they plan to, and may or may not, make a vow. One that they may or may not keep, that they have a relationship that they’d like to last so they are going to make it as legally complicated to end it as they can. But they can end it if they want to of course. Which is nice and I’m glad they are happy.

Im trying to think of any point in my life where someone has told me they are engaged or posted about it on social media and I’m drawing a complete blank. Maybe she is the same and doesn’t know what to say?

daisychain01 · 23/11/2024 15:59

mamechange · 20/11/2024 11:10

I'm still giggling about this. It is a great word. I can't even remember what I meant to write!!

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Well, I guess it's better that a title of "Engagement Ignorance" Grin

c'mon @mamechange facebook is so passé, don't fall out with your DSis over something some trivial.

don't sweat the small stuff as they say, or you'll drive yourself nuts.

DazedAndConfused321 · 23/11/2024 15:54

Meadowfinch · 23/11/2024 13:32

I'd wait until I saw them and congratulate them, face to face. Much more personal than some faceless social media platform, where I'd just be one of a stream of comments.

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Oh, that makes total sense. I'm not one for grim social media slushy comments so I'd do the same, I thought you meant you wouldn't congratulate them at all!

crockofshite · 23/11/2024 15:40

mamechange · 23/11/2024 09:37

OK According to the vote I'm wrong, but I sent a congratulations card to one of my DC's oldest friends when they got engaged. I just thought it was kind of normal to congratulate people ( particularly a close relative like a nephew). Maybe it's an Australian thing. I'm a bit stunned that everyone in the UK finds out that their niece or nephew is engaged and just ignores it. Not a card, a phone call, a text, a like on SM. Well you learn something new everyday!

Britishers really are weird.

Dotto · 23/11/2024 13:39

Oh, you say she is angry with you at the moment. Just ignore her. She wants you to react.

Meadowfinch · 23/11/2024 13:32

DazedAndConfused321 · 23/11/2024 10:49

This is an odd reaction to have- you wouldn't congratulate your own nieces and nephews for getting engaged? I genuinely cannot believe there are people out there like this

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I'd wait until I saw them and congratulate them, face to face. Much more personal than some faceless social media platform, where I'd just be one of a stream of comments.

CrispWinterSunshineBright · 23/11/2024 12:49

Sounds to me like you know she's pissed off with you and you're looking for reasons to be annoyed/offended

Why not try to sort out the original rift, instead of projecting OP?

MoreHairyThanScary · 23/11/2024 12:30

If there's a back story she may well have blocked you and your family on sm?

And it may well be why she is not involving herself....

McSpoot · 23/11/2024 12:24

mamechange · 23/11/2024 09:37

OK According to the vote I'm wrong, but I sent a congratulations card to one of my DC's oldest friends when they got engaged. I just thought it was kind of normal to congratulate people ( particularly a close relative like a nephew). Maybe it's an Australian thing. I'm a bit stunned that everyone in the UK finds out that their niece or nephew is engaged and just ignores it. Not a card, a phone call, a text, a like on SM. Well you learn something new everyday!

Your sister may be thinking the same thing - that is kind of normal to let close family know directly, rather than leaving them to find out with everyone else on social media.

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