Is this homophobic and how to handle

that generation have quite a different stance and he probably feels they are harmless comments.

Bollocks do ‘that generation’ have that stance. Some do, probably more than in subsequent generations but ‘that generation’ were instrumental in changing rights and attitudes to homosexuality, and plenty of people remain open minded and flexible as they grow older.

Easy on the ageist generalisations . We are talking about one homophobic man, who is also a pretty poor grandparent

As a loving and protective parent, this clearly makes you feel uncomfortable so that alone means it needs addressing IMO.

Personally, I do feel it's rooted in homophobia but unfortunately your FIL may not see it that way, as that generation have quite a different stance and he probably feels they are harmless comments. With this in mind I'd be head-on and direct in addressing it, as you (or DH) don't want to be brushed off.

I'm late 60s, and the sitcoms I grew up with were full of gratuitous, cheap-laugh references to poofters, fairies and the like. It bled into the language I heard at school, especially from the lads.

Some of us outgrew this learned behaviour, but obviously the FIL here hasn't.

I have a work colleague who used to send out a lot of jokes on the women-talking-all-the-time/women-spending-their-husbands-money themes, until I and a colleague objected by pointing out they weren't funny in the 1970s, they aren't funny now, but if he wanted to rock the Les Dawson look, go for it. He stopped.

Perhaps you and your DH and son could do something similar - mock him by responding to his gibes with "the 1970s called", images of Dick Emery and the like.

After first telling him in no uncertain circumstances to knock it off.

Come on @mnreader come back and explain your very incoherent and homophonic post, few points in there I’ve heard people say over the years, would be a good learning curve on a thread with this subject matter!

And it’s offensively badly written too.

What a horrible post

What a shame you went from mnreader to MumsNet poster.

You get very incoherent, and not very pleasant from what I can actually make out, towards the end of your post.

Yes, do this — and mean it. Though it sounds like he’s had more than enough chances tbh.

Also just to add that lots of people of his age aren’t vile, sex-obsessed bullies, so the “it’s just his generation” argument doesn’t wash.

The very second the grandad says AnYTHING homophobic on a call your DH should say ‘ we talked about this’I’m going’ and end the call tell the old git gets the message.

He’s being homophobic and yes your DH has to deal with it.
I would have him speak to his dad and tell him it’s unacceptable and despite his feelings or views, he needs to keep his comments to himself.
It may seem that your son is ‘fine’ with it and thinks his grandad is just a bit of a rubbish grandad, but this kind of language is insidious and poisons everything, including your DS sense of his own worth.

WhenI was growing up it was incredibly common and I’d say a good half, maybe more of my Gay friends are NC with close family members because of their homophobia.

The world has come a long way in the last few decades but your son will still experience some prejudice - to be honest I would have pulled him up at the first comment as your son needs to know at least his family has his back. Now your hubby needs to talk to his dad and say stop with the comments or our relationship will need to stop. He could say to him it makes him very uncomfortable that an elderly man seems so preoccupied with a young adults sex life.

I would just pull the plug on the call the instant he ‘can’t help himself’.

Wow. You need to deal with your own ignorance before dishing our advice to others @mnreader

Your DS is adult, what does he want to do about his grandfather and any relationship?

He may want to go low or no contact and for his DF not to give out any information about him whatsoever.

Your FIL is homophobic and won't change but as a family you can manage your relationship with this man.

This.

Your FIL sees being gay as your son’s whole identity, personality and character and can’t see past it to all the other things about him. He needs reminding, bluntly, to get over it.

It's clear FIL has some issues getting his head around your DS's sexuality, which frankly is none of his business at all. I would definitely say that he should be told his comments are unacceptable, and he should be corrected when required.

I agree with another post which advises you to give DS permission to tell him to get lost.

However...... your DS sounds like he's got a good understanding of this man, and he sounds like he's confident in himself. This man and his low level homophobia could be a bit of a gift in some ways. DS will be confronted with some objectionable people throughout his life and the key is for him to be able to cope and build resilience. He can't correct people's thinking or control what they say but he can learn how to discern which battles are worth fighting and when it's a good idea just to ignore. He could learn some witty retorts or just decide he has no interest in his FIL. There might not be a way of stopping your FIL saying these things altogether but there are inevitable consequences for him and your DS may find this empowering.

I'd go full on zero tolerance if I were your DH. 'Dad, one single comment more about Tom's sexuality and I will cut all contact with you forthwith. He's gay, get over it'.

It’s even weirder than that, because when he heard about his son and grandson planning a day trip together, the FIL said ‘Is it a gay day?’ He appears to think that any activity involving a gay man, including a day out with his own dad, involves some kind of gay-specific activity.

Assuming he doesn’t actually think his grandson and his son are having some kind of incestuous fling, I think this tells you a lot about the FIL’s thought processes, none of it pleasant.

Yes it's homophobic, what is your DH saying about it?

Also what age is FIL? Not that it excuses his language or behaviour at all but it definitely was more common in previous generations. I know my brother who is gay, chose not to tell one set of grandparents when he officially 'came out' as they had a good relationship but he suspected they would react a bit like your FIL. They were in their 80's at the time and it was never openly discussed before they died.
Thank God we've moved on and its a lot less frequent these days. There's absolutely no place for that attitude or comments like that in modern society

Your FIL is doing that weird thing that homophobic people often do, in that he hears 'gay man' and immediately thinks of men having sex.

A lot of people do it, but your husband is right to bollock his dad every time your FIL does it.

'It's just a joke. You're overreacting. You're so sensitive'

I personally would give your son carte blanche to tell his grandfather to fuck off. Why should he have to put up with that sort of shit? If I was your son I'd want nothing to do with him. In fact, if I was your DH I'd want nothing to do with him either.

I’m a gay guy, I’m 42 and this launguge was incredibly common growing up. All that has to be said to FIL when he makes a comment like it again is something along the lines of those who are incredibly homophobic are usually gay themselves and hiding it. There have been scientific studies that have proven this and also I have experienced this out in the wild over the years, many straight people have no idea how many closeted men there are out there, many of which deflect their secret by being ‘ultra straight’ and calling everyone woofters etc, kind of hoped this had changed by now, but some still cling on. Your FIL is probably jealous of your son’s freedoms to be himself.

Yes it's obviously homophobic. If your son came out at 14 and is now an adult it's been going on for at least 4 years. I imagine the FIL was casually homophobic before he knew he had a gay grandson, too, so it's been going on all of your son's life and it hasn't stopped even when your husband rightly bollocked his dad.

Not sure what you can or should do to address it. The bollocking was one way and it didn't work. Your son is an adult now so will be making his own decisions about who he has in his life, and it doesn't sound like the granddad will be part of that. All you should really do now is support your son in that and don't try to force any relationship. The FIL will find that when you're bigoted, you reap what you sow. Personally I would reduce my own contact with the homophobic FIL as well.