Is this homophobic and how to handle

Your poor DS. FIL is a narrow minded asshole. I get that older people have different ways and there has to be a little allowance for using out of date phrases etc, we'll all make errors as we age too. But that type of homophobic language should have stopped years ago. Or at worst the moment he heard his GDS is gay. He should be supporting his family. I think your DH is reasonable to be very upset by this. It also confirms that his Dad would have ridiculed and rejected him if he was gay, it makes it look like the whole relationship is conditional.

FFS. Get your Dh to say to him, Dad I need to talk to you about something serious. This has to stop. Now. All the time you make little comments about ds being gay, the gay day etc. You do it all the time. I can't have this. It has to stop. Immediately.

Why on earth hasn't your Dh said something before.

Your FIL has already been told that his comments were unacceptable and hurtful.

Yet he has chosen to continue to make homophobic comments although he knows that is hurtful to your son. Being older is never an excuse for homophobic behaviour.

Personally I would tell your husband that he is welcome to keep the relationship going with his father going but that you will no longer have any contact with him and you will make it clear to your son that you also don't expect him to continue interacting with his grandfather due to his behaviour.

was mid 80s I should say and very sorely missed 😥

You can't blame this stuff on age. He sounds horrible.

My MIL is mid 80s and when my DD told her she had a girlfriend she gave her an enormous hug, said she couldn't wait to meet her and said she couldn't care less whether her partner was male or female, as long as they loved her and treated her well.

In the 1970s, the comedian Larry Grayson's catchphrase was 'what a gay day'. His comedy was full of inuendo as hardly anyone was openly gay back then.

Your FIL is homophobic and hasn't moved on from the attitudes and language of his youth.

No wonder your son thinks he is a very poor grandparent.

I don't understand the comment smell like a poof.
Yes he deffo needs telling to stop it.

How would I deal with it? Have nothing more to do with him and protect my son from his disgusting behaviour.

It doesn' thave to be camping? The point I was making is that 99% of the things OP and her DH do with their son is completely irrelevant to his sexuality. Whether that's camping, eating dinner etc. It's WEIRD and inappropriate for someone to think that sexuality of a person has anything to do with the vast bulk of daily activities and that is what I'd be calling out day in and day out.

No one says, "I'm going camping because I'm straight" or "I'm meeting friends for a straight person's dinner".

What does your son want to do about it ?

I'm a parent to an adult, gay son. My Dad can be homophobic, DS and I discussed what/ how he wanted to tell his Grandad, and decided to just not mention it unless he asked. Of course, he heard about it "through the grapevine" as it were. He's told DS he doesn't "understand" it, but accepts it as he loves his grandson. Ds told him there's nothing to understand. Ultimately, if my dad continued to make homophobic comments we just wouldn't see him anymore.

My Grandad, who's in his 90s is also homophobic. Ds has decided not to tell him as he feels his relationship with his Great Grandad matters more than trying to change his opinions. That's his choice, and he knows I'll back him should anything change.

Bollocks to that, why should anyone pretend to be amused by homophobia?

By telling him you’re going camping you’re just joining in his little ‘game’.

Hi dad, if you comment on my son’s sexuality one mor time, you’ll never hear from us again. Shut up, or fuck off you homophobic twat.

that should do it!

He's obviously homophobic and if I were your son I wouldn't want anything to do with him

Mockery is often the best way to deal with this. It can be quite light-hearted - so he feels that his old-fashioned attitude is genuinely amusing you.

I would tell him to get fucked

Both my DC are straight (as far as I know) but I wouldn't tolerate homphobic language like that in front of them, let alone to theme.

@Ballardandbosch why can’t your DHjust say ‘dad stop with the gay comments and references we’ve had enough.”

FIL either stops and behaves or I’d be reducing contact as I wouldn’t want to constantly be waiting for the next snide comment.

Exactly this !
It's still offensive obviously but it wasn't a comment about gay activities or some weird incest thing.
It was a double entendre from a time when the word 'gay' was apparently considered hilarious.

It's a Larry Grayson catchphrase.

I think your dh needs to stomp on the language, every time. Doesn't have to be aggressive. Just consistent. "Dad, what are you TALKING about?! Why is everything abotu Tom's sexuality? We're going camping for pity's sake".

"Dad, please stop it. It's so offensive. It's embarassing for you."

etc etc etc.

Thing is, though. It's quite obvious that husband mussel said something to his father. If not, then actually the husband and wife who's asking for the advice is at fault, because this has gone on for quite a long time. It's passive micro aggression against gay grandchild. He knows full well what he's doing. Don't f rise up to it. Just say you know what you're doing.Shut up or we will cut contact.It's as simple as that.
While I get that, people have got different ideas from different generations. The first time he made that comment about being a poof he should have been told that was not on not acceptable, and perhaps that was from your time goes by, but we do not talk to the grandchild like that. So he knows for well, he's just pushing it. I'm sorry, but I would just go, right, that's it. Don't want to speak to you anymore until you say sorry

LOL! Typical mumsnet response. 'Cut contact' at the drop of a hat. This is extreme and ridiculous.

What's he's saying is inappropriate, but I think it's partly about being from a certain generation. Many times I've heard older people make comments about race that a lot people would find offensive these days, but aren't necessarily meant in an offensive way. They simply haven't moved with the times. I'd just have a quiet word with him and explain that this language is offensive to your son.

It's up to your husband as to whether he talks to his father, but if he stays in touch then needs to never be where your son can overhear, and obviously your son never sees your FIL again.

Your poor son.

Personally I'd be saying something directly to him and not leaving it up to your husband.

How have you allowed this to go on for so long.