Draining guests

When next year's visit is mentioned, tell them you already have plans, and the year after that, say the same thing. If they are only visiting you as a means to a cheap holiday, then they'll stop contact and find someone else, who lives in a nice area, to scrounge off.

Well, maybe they can start realising when you turn up for a long awaited visit - they can return the hospitality!!

Given how you've described things it sounds like they don't have a problem expressing themselves with what they want and you do.

Have you ever asked instead of waiting for them to offer? Do you tell them to bring all the alcohol for everyone for their visit and you'll sort the non-pub food? Do you ask them to drive? Or load the dishwasher?

Not everyone likes driving in unfamiliar areas and it makes sense for you to drive because you know how to get everywhere and all the quirks of the area.

They probably don't even know they're doing anything to annoy you, since you've had the same arrangement years. I don't see why them bringing flowers and chocolates would suddenly make everything okay again. And they're unable to compare themselves to your other guests, they don't have that knowledge.

It sounds like you were excited to show off your new home in the beginning and it's fizzled out.

You are clearly a lovely person OP, your ‘friends’ less so. I can relate to you - I previously enjoyed hosting, I live in a part of the world that people love to visit, I would pull out all the stops. Things have changed since having young DC and we can no longer play tour guides, chefs and taxi drivers! People become accustomed to what you initially provided and now expect that every time. Good friends will reciprocate though, or at the very least reduce the demands and increase the gratitude. They have a lot of audacity! Time for some rock solid boundaries I think, the dynamic massively needs to shift. They are taking but what are they giving in return? Don’t accept this.

Why do people tolerate this shite. Why does it become incumbent on OP to feel guilty when these royal piss taking parasites haven't got the social or emotional intelligence to realise how repugnant they are. I would've even make any excuses, just say No, you're busy...very busy....cannot accommodate and give them a list of B&Bs..good luck

Just stop doing it. You can be blunt or you can put them off with vague excuses until they get the hint.

You do not need to explain yourself. Just say 'we are not in a position to host anymore' and leave it at that.

"Sorry, we are not going to fit it in this year. Happy to suggest other places you can stay if you still want to visit the area, and may be able to meet up for a meal while you are here. Take care">

I’d go with the second part of this - happy to see them if they are visiting the area but they’ll need to book an air b n b going forward as you’ve converted the spare room into a hobby room and no longer have a bed for them…

But essentially just because you’ve hosted them in the past, doesn't mean you’re obliged to host them forever. In your situation I would be quite ruthless - what do they bring to you as a couple versus what you give back in money and inconvenience? From what you’ve said, it’s not a reciprocal friendship just a ‘keep the communication open so that we can have a largely free holiday once a year’ kind of arrangement. If you don’t truly enjoy their company, don’t feel you could reach out to them for support in a crisis, and feel that they’d stop reaching out if you moved to somewhere less touristy… then just boot them.

Telling them you are looking forward to sharing the details of your spiritual journey also works.

@FunkyGoldfish ‘dear CF, we can’t afford to continue to host you going forward but would love to catch up again if you stay in the area”.

Let’s face it - minimum contact through the year but expect an all inclusive free holiday in your home.. these aren’t friends.

can you have a holiday in their spare room? Do you get invited to their area?

CF freeloaders who only text a few times a year - and one of them is to ask "When can we come?" ?

A simple "Sorry, we're not hosting this year." Tbh I'd be ignoring any texts at all from them from now on - no reply IS a reply.

And yes, it’s perfectly possible this is true.

Oooo I want to stay at your house- sounds great!!

Seriously though just meet them for a day out instead half way between yours and theirs.

It’s not at all disingenuous to suggest people need to grow out of this particular cultural norm if, as in the OP’s case, it’s causing actual stress and displeasure on an annual basis. It’s clear these people are never going to reciprocate as this one-sided arrangement has been going on for years, and they never invite the OP to stay. It’s ridiculous to keep going along with something that they don’t enjoy purely to maintain the fiction of ‘good hosts never let a guest put a hand in their pocket’.

I bet these people are thinking to themselves “they love seeing us and we make all that effort to drive down, so it is only right that they provide most of the drinks/entertainment when we get there”.

Unfortunately they will keep thinking this (and believing this is how you really feel) unless you say or do something to change their minds.

@Anycrispsleft

If it was someone who didn't understand the rules at all - I had some German colleagues at uni for example who fell foul of this - for them I would break the fourth wall and explain what is going on

That’s so interesting you use the term “breaking the fourth wall”. I’m Autistic and have just realised that’s what I do - break the fourth wall - a lot more than others. I’m programmed to say things bluntly like this but know that socially most people don’t like it. Even the ones being treated unfairly would be shocked I had said something.

I spend so much time holding my tongue in these situations now.

@slightlygoneoff but given that this cultural norm exists quite widely in the UK, I find it odd and a bit disingenuous when pps go "how could the OP have let herself get into this situation?" and suggest she makes pointed comments that in our sort of guess culture are as good as telling the other person to eff off.
I agree though that it's always going to be quite difficult to reciprocate if one side is doing the hosting and the other side never does. I mean for me, this is why I don't host guests other than my in-laws, because I don't like hosting and I also don't like being a guest, so the rules of Scottish hospitality means I would need to follow up an uncomfortable weekend of hosting with the "reward" of another uncomfortable weekend of being a guest.

We lived in the Channel Islands for five years, it was like running a fucking B&B, have moved back to the northwest now and no longer drink alcohol and it’s crickets, no one suddenly say things like ‘it’s been ages since we saw you!’ Or as I always translated ’you are our favourite friends/relatives, we would love to see you for a cheap holiday and use your pool!’. Problem is my partner didn’t mind it or didn’t like saying no, it pissed me off, his mum practically lived with us!

My suggestion is if your not confrontational, just go silent on the matter, change the subject, never commit, say vague things like ‘we will see’ but never get back with a date, people usually move on to the next victim, sorry, I mean close friend 🙄

I'd say that you're unable to be host this time (and any further times) and that if they're looking for a night away or whatever, you would recommend X hotel or Y AirBnB and that you'd be happy to meet with them for lunch somewhere during their visit to your town/city.

That's what I'd say to them.