To be upset by sister’s attitude

She's not going to be happy no matter what you do. So you need to cater to your needs and those of your tiny baby.
Your sister has wants , your baby has needs . Those needs vs wants are mutually exclusive.

Your sister will expect you to let your little baby down, and will never thank you for it and will complain anyway that you didn't do enough.

So take a step now, announce you're stepping down from bridesmaid role and enjoy your pregnancy and newborn time. Otherwise you'll be stressed from now until the wedding.

So what if she's annoyed. She's a grown adult.

PLEASE show her this thread so she can see how unreasonable she is! She sounds absolutely spoilt rotten and out of touch. You and your Mum sound lovely but you are doing her no favours by ignoring her terrible behaviour, she needs a reality check.

OP, just seen your update.

I am so sorry.

The thing is, your family will never put your real needs first. They are weak cowards who will go along with the flow. The funeral, and now your Mum, enabling your sister, who is actually being controlling and emotionally abusive.

You don’t need to ‘call her out’. Just say you are stepping down as the needs of a heavily pregnant and post-partum mum are incompatible with the job of bridesmaid. And with the needs of a tiny baby . Tell her you don’t want to let her down so she can appoint someone who will be more available, and you are not able to let your baby down by compromising their needs to make your sisters day as perfect as she wants it.

And then just stick to your decision.

Grey rock any further discussion.

Tell your Mum you are deadly serious about this so she needs to calm your sister down and re-assure your sister that this is the best tack.

As pp have said: this is the moment you put you and your baby first and don’t continue your family’s emotional flaws by allowing the vulnerable to be trampled on.

I too would step down from being a bridesmaid.
I also think leaving the baby with your dh is a good idea.
I’m surprised she wants you as a bridesmaid, not to be awful, but with you being pregnant.

Please put yourself & your baby first.
Do what you realistically can on the day & no more.
I'd have gone mad over the jumper incident!
If you don't stand up for yourself then you're in for a lifetime of this & rest assured that if your sister becomes pregnant you'll all be expected to treat her like a princess & expect nothing from her. How you've been treated will be conveniently forgotten or completely denied.
Please stick up for yourself, she sounds awful. Your family will just have to deal with it.
You are not the cause of the problem.

I'd call your mum out in front of her, tbh.

When your husband is there so your mum can't (or will feel less able to) deny it.

Your mum is the cause of this absolute shit show by pandering to it her whole life and insisting everyone does the same.

@Remotenut

Your parents have allowed her to behave like this from childhood.

I have an older sibling exactly the same and at 51 she STILL has people running round in circles for her to their detriment.

You need to put your foot down

Stop feeding the monster and I'd have a word with your parents and tell them they've created a brat of an adult

I'm so much better now that I stepped back and don't have many dealings with them

Honestly just because she's your sister doesn't mean you have to facilitate her shitty behaviour.

You wouldn't let a non family member treat you like it so don't let her

Only because you let it happen.

Start standing up for yourself. Your sister has no problem standing up for herself does she?

The problem is, OP, that you're still engaging with this nonsense.

I understand how it has got to this point if everyone has always pandered to her. But this will never change.

But you can bet your ass that once she has a baby, everything will revolve around them too. She won't suddenly 'get it'.

This is going to impact everything in your lives.

You won't be able to go on holiday around her due date in case her baby is born.

Her life, her family, her children will always take priority over yours if you don't make a stand on this now.

Don't let your mum shut it down because that's not realistic. You are going to have a 10 week old baby. It won't just be ok. You won't be able to just leave the childen with your husband.

Don't choose to be a martyr to it all just say, "I've thought about this and it's clearly not going to work. There are no realistic, workable, practical solutions that meet everyone's needs so I'm stepping down from being bridesmaid so you can carry on planning it without me."

Let them rant and strop. The dust will either settle.or it won't; things will either improve or they won't. But you need to step off this merry-go-round.

If she accuses you of making it all about yourself, you say "no, I'm making it all about the needs of my 10 week old baby". She sounds awful. But everyone going along with her highly unreasonable behaviour also needs to take some responsibility. You've essentially created a monster who feels she's justified to behave in this horrible way because no one ever challenges her.

I know it will be hard but this is an ideal time for you to break the ties of co dependency. Your entire family sounds hard work and probably dysfunctional.

You have your own family now and you get to choose how you live. If you don’t, not only will your family continue to behave as they do and treat you badly but at some point they will treat your children the same way.

Tell your sister you don’t like how she’s behaving, that you accept it’s her choice to be that way but likewise it’s your choice to want no part of it and that you’re not going to be bridesmaid.

If that causes a major family drama that’s on them, but more importantly exactly the reason you need to pull out because your family doesn’t need to be coerced by people like them. If they drop you then you’ll know what is important to them and that’s not you and your baby

So what if it causes hell? It's a proxy wedding , not the coronation. Id drop out of being a brides maid and tell her cop on to herself.

Just WAIT until she has a child! OMG.

Poor you. She is being really awful and with no one willing to back you up, it's a frustrating and lonely place to be.

I'd like to think she will look back on her wedding behaviour in the future and cringe...but tbh she sounds like such an arsehole I doubt it.

Pull out - life’s too short.

Honestly, this will get worse.

I would say to her that the concerns she has raised have made you realise that you simply cannot guarantee that you will be able to undertake the bridesmaid job in the way that it needs to be done, and you are worried about any additional unforeseen circumstances, so to be fair to her, you need to step down as bridesmaid.

It’s just too much.

Tell her you will still be breastfeeding, that you won’t be able to do dress fittings or know what size you will be, will be post op C section so not able to do loads.

You are expecting your dearly loved second baby. The newborn stage will be ruined for you if you are presumed to be at the beck and call if your sister. Don’t do that to yourself. And don’t do it to your baby either. Sorry: no way would I contemplate leaving a newborn, under 3 months ‘for a few days’ to pander to a bridezilla.

She is holding a big party. You are bringing a new human into the world, with responsibility for a tiny baby. Get some perspective!

And your Mum is your Mum, too. She should stick up for you equally.

Then stop. Walk away from the lot of them.

she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day

and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there

Oh my god, why has no one told her to get a fucking grip of herself. Why didn't you just laugh at what was surely a joke and take your coat off??

I'd be standing down as a bridesmaid and backing far far far away from anything to do with the organisation of this wedding.

I've no idea why people pander to this shit.

Don’t go to the wedding. Or do you care more about your batshit family than yourself and your DH/kids?

You do realise that your children are going to be part of this shitshow growing up? Do you want them to get to a point where they start siding with your family over you? Start telling you not to rock the boat? Not wanting to do anything because of who it might upset? Because this is the example you’re setting for them.

If you keep pandering like this you’re going to end up like the kind of mother you have. Is this what you aspire to?

Personally I’d just go low contact with the lot of them, starting with pulling out of the wedding. So what if it ruins her wedding. Big deal. It’s just a day.

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do

If you don't want to, don't. From your post it sounds like you want to breastfeed? That is a perfectly valid reason to not leave a baby.

I'd be pulling out as bridesmaid because it's not possible for you to be at her beck and call the night before. (Even if you hadn't just had a baby, who insists on someone being at their "beck and call" 🙄).

Agree with others on this one - you will get it 'wrong' in your sister's eyes whatever you do. You could also: have the baby early and baby has health issues, have C section complications, have feeding issues, have mastitis etc. Not wanting to be pessimistic but there's a significant chance it will be impossible for you to attend regardless! Or you could as a family conveniently have a 'vomiting bug' the day before and tragically have to stay home and miss the whole debacle.

Realistically you are not going to be able to fulfill your bridesmaid duties, in the manner she requires. You'd have had a C-section, so recovering and also a 10 week old baby. Your sister is coming across as an entitled, spoilt woman, who believes she's the only important person in the world. I hope her groom, is prepared, because he's going to need to be!!! A hen do, well that may be something you can go too. The wedding itself, take your husband/children and leave them somewhere in the hotel close by. You can nip out to feed your youngest, when required. Your sister, presumably has no children, so has no clue how hard this will be for you. I agree with others, the rest of the family are enabling her behaviour by not calling her out. You need to stand up for yourself.

My god! My ds was 10 DAYS old at my sisters wedding in the pics in the church he’s always being held by someone else, it’s like where’s wally with the baby. The only wobbly bit was when she grabbed him for a cuddle before she had the pics taken and I was paranoid he’d puke or poo on her. It was the first time most of the family met him and I only stayed till the meal and had spend 1/2 the time in a side room with him. But all of that didn’t steal thunder from the bride - how could it.

if you can’t not go, I would harness the hormones and triedness of a new born and eye roll your way through any tantrums. Do what you need to do and give her pitying looks when she behaves like a toddler.