To be upset by sister’s attitude

Your sister is being a massive twat.

You need to start standing up to her or this will continue for the rest of your lives. It's hard - I get it and have been there - but tiptoeing around a tantrumming sister does her and you no favours as she'll never improve.

You need to start gently pushing back and standing up to her. She'll have a fit and be furious - and she'll make you feel like a horrible horrible person. But so what? What's the worst that can happen? Let her. And then slowly you might find your relationship improves.

OMG that’s batshit! You have my condolences. Makes me more grateful for my daft brother.

Maybe it's time to distance yourself from your unreasonable family members. You have your own children to think about. Do you want them to grow up believing this is normal?

Tell DS you cannot fulfil the bridesmaid duties so you have to pull out to be fair to her.
your baby is your priority it can’t be provided for by anyone else.
you can’t be in two places at once, that’s life and just how it is.
she sounds spoilt and it makes you wonder how long the marriage will last anyway!

Congratulations you’re expecting.

YANBU to be upset.

Your sister is being unreasonable. Weddings aren’t a ‘performance’ that has to be perfection. They should be a celebration of love, where everyone the couple loves should feel welcome and comfortable.

I wouldn’t go on your own. Why should you have to do that? If you’ve given birth a couple of months before, you’ll need your baby with you, or close by, as well as your DH for support. At least see how you feel much nearer the time. Could you book an hotel or self-catering place for a couple of nights nearby, so your DH could pop back and forth with the DC if it all gets too much.

As you well know, pregnancy and having a child is a wonderful blessing. Anyone who loves you should feel that. They shouldn’t be making you feel stressed. I know it must be hard, but try to let all your sister’s stress wash over you. As long as you’re reasonable and considerate to her, that’s all you can control.

sorry edited to say that I’m highlighting this to show speaking up is considered the worst thing in my family

And you want your children to grow up learning this too?
Walk away from the wedding. For one thing do you need the stress so soon to giving birth? That’s not good for you.

This is utterly ridiculous. Stop letting her yank your chain! Every time you cave in to these ridiculous demands you are re-enforcing her notions that she is the Queen of the World and only her needs and desires matter.

Your new baby / your family are absolutely your priorities. This is incompatible with her demands so tough. Do what suits you and if she strops and sulks then let her. Ideally step down from bridesmaids duties - tell her you cannot be available to the extent that she needs.

Honestly, I'd get your husband to get in touch to explain that the doctor has advised that you need to take it easy for the rest of this pregnancy and spend proper time recovering. You're really devastated to pull out, but unfortunately, the doctor thinks it would be too stressful for the baby.

You're carrying his child and you have a shitty family. I'm sure he would support you in taking the heat for this with your sister, as he presumably knows how batshit she is. Let your husband support you on this occasion. Setting boundaries is hard, it's even harder with your own family, and everything is harder when you're full of hormones you can't control.

In general, I'm all for child-free weddings. But I think you have to accept that some children cannot be left with anyone, whether due to their age or complex needs, and that means you have to scale down your expectations of their parents (which often includes your expectation that they will attend, let alone be in the wedding).

Big girl pants on and tell her to fuck the fuck off

Ok after the dress shopping story she sounds absolutely nuts. Way past normal bridezilla territory.

nothing you do for her will be enough, time to accept that now. Therefore I would just plan the day as it best suits you and your baby, then tell her your plan and just say; “sorry that’s not possible” on repeat to any other demands. If any family members try to say anything, just repeat the line to them: “sorry mum, that’s just not possible with the baby”.

If she pulls the “you knew when the wedding was” line, just reply with “and you know I had problems conceiving, so time to be supportive of your pregnant sister!”. I’d also pull the “this child is your niece/nephew, don’t you care about them? (Head tilt)”

Another for stepping down, I did this myself as it was clear the bride expected me to act like the baby didn't exist and just too stressful. The bride never really understood but it was the right thing to do. I only ended up going to the ceremony as baby was breastfeeding and wouldn't take a bottle. The night of the reception was a marathon feeding/ nappy session anyway so it wouldn't have been much fun. Pretty unrealistic to have a bridesmaid with a young baby unless you are prepared to be quite flexible in duties which is not the case here

I would tell your dsis that you'll do your best but that she needs to back off with all the bridezilla nonsense otherwise you won't attend the wedding at all.
And mean it.

Small human who is totally dependent trumps her wedding by some considerable margin.

It sounds like she's ruled the roost for far too long.

I'd step down as bridesmaid. Let her rant and rave. You have your own family now, and their needs are your main priority. Let everyone blame you - and they wouldn't really be blaming you for stepping down, they just don't want the discomfort of having to deal with yet another tantrum. Somebody needs to stand up to her.

The thing is, if you won’t stand up to her and you won’t step down as bridesmaid, I’m not entirely what it is you want us to say?

I think you have to either stand down or agree that you can only be part time bridesmaid and someone else, a nominated close friend or someone can step in. You can't possibly be organising the hen and you will be leaving early even if you are there, as a bridesmaid that might seem poor form but as a pg woman you have to. I agree you have to bring the baby but maybe you could pay someone to sit with the baby so you can be present between feeds, try to arrange feeds so you are in the church while the baby is going for a walk with a minder, for example. It's the best you can offer. She sounds awful but I do think you need to offer some meet in the middle. My family was close like this and I understand the dynamic is difficult. I remember when my DSis organised her day abroad her and my other sis told me I'd better not be pg, knowing I spent a while ttc DC1.

I think I'd stand down as her sister as well. She sounds like a nightmare!!!

Your sister is seriously nuts! Stop trying to pander to her - just tell her what is possible for you and say you are happy to stand down as bridesmaid if that does not suit her. If she rants sufficiently, her partner might realise what a nightmare he will be taking on and call the whole thing off!!

Respectfully, so what? You can’t change other people’s complicit behaviour. All you can do is limit the unpleasant effects of their behaviour on your life.

Offer your sister, civilly, the choice of you continuing to be bridesmaid on terms you are comfortable with (in terms of what you are and aren’t prepared to do etc), or tell her you’re stepping down because it’s not possible to be bridesmaid in the way she wants.

That way she has a choice and will have to abide by its consequences, either way.

And because you keep saying she and your family will say you’re ’making it all about you’ — of course you’re making it all about you! Your own life is all about you! Behaving as though you’re a background character in someone else’s narrative is madness.

I think a childfree Bridezilla is not a reasonable person. You might need to step down as bridesmaid as it sounds like she is just going to be awful to you as she is pissed off you got pregnant. I would figure out what works for you and just tell her what your plan is. Then if she isn't happy, don't go. Personally, I think I would try and have a close friend or family member I trust (who isn't at the wedding) staying at the hotel to look after the baby where you can pop back throughout the day to feed and check in.

I had a friend who tried to complain that one of her bridesmaids had got pregnant before her wedding and why couldn't she have waited until after the wedding. Even worse, her main issue seemed to be that, bridesmaid had been a bridezilla and she had been looking forward to her turn being the bride to get her revenge. I like to think friend realised how ridiculous she was when she struggled to conceive herself. But I doubt it.

I'd stand down from being her sister too.

ok, you're right

🙄

This is perfect - fully agree with this. Whatever you do your sister will find a reason why you messed something up - not attentive enough to her on the day, called your DH to see how the kids were which was selfish, went off to pump breast milk which took up time you should have been attending to her etc. There will be drama either way - so dropping out in advance is the best way of avoiding that drama affecting her wedding day itself. And protecting you and your family.

Drop them and go NC is neither easy, nor sensible. Or appropriate. Methinks you’re projecting.

She may have found him, but the jury’s out on whether she can keep him !!