To be upset by sister’s attitude

Does she often put you in situations where you can't win so she can kick off at you OP? my sister used to do this all the time. Got married abroad when I a baby and toddlers and was furious when I couldn't go. I've been NC for 15 years now as I got sick to death of feeling like I was being tested all the damn time. My DH and our DC had to come first, I couldn't allow this batshittery to infiltrate their lives. Step-down and let her kick off-drop the rope.

The point of the wedding is for her to be married.

That will happen whatever effort you do or don't put in or even if you aren't there at all!

Put yourself & your new baby first.

Each of your updates had my jaw clanging to the desk!! She's bloody unhinged OP. But you know this already.

Think very hard; do you actually WANT to be her bridesmaid? She doesn't sound like a sister that deserves to get what she wants from you if you don't actually WANT to be her bridesmaid. If you do WANT to be her bridesmaid, you will, of course, make the day work in some way shape or form because that is what YOU WANT to do.

But are you doing it because of fear, obligation and guilt? Do you feel like you are being bullied into the role? Do you actually worry about what to say to your sister to try and get your views heard?

It's easier said than done but with the wedding dress fitting, I think I'd have laughed my head off and walked away then and there so there would be no drama now but you didn't do that. You are much nicer and more patient than me!

If she won't listen to you when she or you approach the subject then you have to say enough is enough and you won't be a bridesmaid! You'll be 10 weeks post C section for christ sake?!

By the sounds of it, from the extended family bit, you'll be well shot of the lot of them!

Edited to add: oh and I wonder what she'll be like when she's pregnant and due to give birth on a crucial date for someone else in the family!? She'll still be expecting the world to revolve around her.

for the whole experience!!!!

It's a wedding, not a DIsney ride. If she doesn't want your children to cause a disturbance I would say 'We'll all stay at home then your homage to Instagram won't be disturbed'. I often feel very sorry for the men marrying these women, one with sense would run a mile from her self centred nonsense.

You've two options here op, carry on as you are and likely regret it and be stuck in this cycle forever or stand down and take the fall out but be free forever from the ridiculous demands.

I appreciate the latter is not easy but you can't live your life like this.

Omg. This is utter madness. Step back ASAP, she is going to become more and more unhinged as the day approaches...

She sounds completely self absorbed!.
I know it's a lot easier said than done. But I think you need to start acknologying this behaviour as bring toxic. You have young children and need to break the cycle so they know it's not normal or exceptable.
If not they will be set up for a life time of just excepting peoples shitty behaviour, just because they are family.
Use your moral compass and listen to your stomach. You will know what behaviour is exceptable and what's not. "Would you except it from some one who isn't family?". If the answers no then don't except it!!
I know it's hard, but make positive changes, maybe going to councilling will help you see it clearer.

Good. So what if she throws a strop she sounds hideous. Would you be her friend if not related? Your dm needs to have your back but if she doesn't just remember your family now is you dh and your dcs. You chose them.

The only sane answer here is to tell your sister you are no longer able to be bridesmaid, you will attend her wedding if you and the baby are fit and well on the day, and then just don’t interact with her until the explosion subsides. You, your new baby and your little family are your priority, and you don’t need this stress

She sounds utterly bonkers and is alienating her family and most likely friends over a wedding- and a cream jumper…. I hope the marriage lasts or she will have caused long lasting upset for nothing. This behaviour may be moved past but it will never be forgotten, maybe in years to come she will see how family is more important than a cream jumper

With your sister actitud you are been unreasonable to entertain all her bridezilla stuff. I wouldn't bother to go to the wedding with all the things she is saying to you.
Honestly, I know you want to best for her and be there on her special day, but she is a real PITA right now and making a nightmare of it.

it occurs to me from reading the current crop of MN posts, that there is one important factor that people don't consider.
Barring miracles,It is never going to be easier to fix the problem than now.
It might be that you can only begin to fix it, or the first part of fixing it is getting financial ducks in a row or something but my comment stands. The earlier you address it the easier it will be and the less effort and aggression it is likely to take. Don't wait until you can't stand it any longer, start the fix today.

Would it be possible to speak to your Mother and get the suggestion that you drop out as bridesmaid to come from her? Then you could generously go along with it, for the sake of the wedding, blahdiblah!

Tell her that you are a new mother and your baby comes first. Ignore any comments from her and stick to your guns. This is so important when you are young so that people know your boundaries. It goes to make for easier work later on if you put your boundaries in place first thing.

That is actually mental. That is so unreasonable it's off the charts. I would not worry about upsetting her, because it sounds like she is determined to be upset by absolutely everything.

I'm not normally a violent person but my hand is itching to give your sister a good smack.

she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there

I somehow missed this line. Good Lord she is unhinged!! Never heard of this level of mental. This is controlling behaviour and not just about a wedding.

She's clearly an utter twat.

I would write her a letter and tell her you're not going to be a bridesmaid anymore and why.

Listen, this is your sister.

If she gets angry, get angry back at her! Tell her to stop being so fucking ridiculous, you'll have a tiny baby with you at the wedding or you won't be coming at all, you obviously won't be attending the hen do and if she's going to be that pathetic about it then maybe you shouldn't be bridesmaid. This is the most important day in her life so far, but it's not the overarching life priority she seems to think it is for everyone else.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like confronting family either. But either you do this, or you spend your pregnancy worrying about your sister's wedding and her behaviour.

Have a chat with her soon, just the two of you, and let her know you can’t be the bridesmaid she wants, and that you can either do it on your terms, or not at all. Those are her only two options and she can pick which option she prefers. Then if she realises she does want you as a bridesmaid even if she can’t boss you about, then hold the line from that point on, and do what works for you and your own family, and nothing more.

The cream jumper thing was completely insane and it sounds like you are all so used to being in this very very weird dynamic that you can’t see how messed up it is. Did she not have any friends there too, or anyone at all who was prepared to laugh at her and tell her to stop being a lunatic?

Your sister would combust if she experiences the series of wedding day calamities we had OP.

Luckily for my sanity, I am reasonably laid back and took it all in my stride. I suspect somebody that high strung would be ugly crying into their bubbles and finding a way to blame the bridesmaid.

I would try and have a heart to heart with her and if that doesn’t go well I’d let her know you can only do what you can and if that’s not enough that you will stand down as a bridesmaid as you can’t have the stress x

Yeah I’d be standing down too. You’ve no idea how you’re going to feel post section, how the baby is going to be, how your toddler will react to new baby, etc.

also (and I’m not sure if this has already been mentioned) but will her wedding be the first time wider family have met new baby? If so be prepared for hassle from her about that too. Stealing thunder etc. if she’s the type to kick off about a cream jumper this will probably be a kick off too!

Standing down will be the most sanity-saving option. No other option is practical because the rules of the game is that sister's way is the only way and she'll be backed up by her flying monkeys.

When you've got a demanding relative that uses blackmail to get there way, the thought of standing up to them and facing their histrionics is intimidating. But actually when you do it and you leave them howling into the wind and shut them (or their cronies) down every time they start up, it's liberating. Also make them own their choices, "If you do this, I'll do that" "ok, that's your choice". I long term improved a relationship after a few quiet years, but if it's going to be a relationship ender, it really wasn't a dynamic that was enhancing your life.

They thrive on drama. Don't feed it. Never give them anything that doesn't serve you- they'll never requite it and will only want more.

You have your own family. Your responsibility is to your health, your children (especially a new baby) and your spouse.

(I had a BM who ended up being 4m pg. She managed to adjust the dress the week of the wedding following a growth spurt. I just wanted her to come down the aisle with me, I didn't mind what she wore, and she didn't need any further stress- because she's my friend and I wanted her there for her company.)

This. She's being beyond ridiculous